Directed by Chris Buck and Jennifer Lee
Written by Jennifer Lee. Based on The Snow Queen by Hans Christian Andersen.
Premiered November 19, 2013
102 minutes
Rated PG
Synopsis
Once upon a time in the Scandinavian kingdom of Arendelle, there was a princess named Elsa (Idina Menzel) who was born with magical powers--specifically the ability to make and manipulate snow and ice. She used these powers to entertain and bond with her younger sister Anna (Kristen Bell), until an accident freaked out her parents enough to demand Elsa conceal her powers from everyone, including Anna. The children are eventually orphaned (because Disney) and Elsa deals with this by isolating herself. On the day Elsa is to be crowned queen, starved-for-affection-and-companionship Anna meets, falls instantly in love with and becomes engaged to Prince Hans (Santino Fontana). Elsa's disapproval of the events leads to her ice powers being revealed. Rather than be persecuted, Elsa abandons Arendelle for a life of solitude in an ice palace. Anna, with the aid of a rustic ice-cutted named Kristoff (Jonathan Goff) and a naïve talking snow man named Olaf (Josh Gad), sets out to return her sister to the throne and lift the eternal winter she has left plaguing Arendelle.
Before We Begin
Gather round, children, and let me tell you a story...
Once upon a time, there was a Danish writer named Hans Christian Andersen. He wrote fairy tales. Some of his best known works include "The Little Mermaid", "Thumbelina", and "The Princess and the Pea". He also wrote a story called "The Snow Queen". It was about a nice little boy named Kay who turned wicked when a shard from an evil mirror got stuck in his eye. After he is taken by a mysterious and powerful woman—the titular Snow Queen—his best friend Gerda sets out to find him. This story—one of Andersen's longest and most imaginative—was adapted to screens both silver and small several times. In 2002, the Hallmark channel adapted the story into a three hour TV movie which
Kay Kai and Gerda were turned to star-crossed teenage lovers and the Snow Queen was a power hungry seductress played by Bridget Fonda. A young Disney Doxy watched this TV movie when she was an impressionable and hormonal fourteen. It struck a chord with her.
In the early 2000s, as you may recall, Disney Animation was having a bit of an identity crisis. They were making action-packed adventures aimed for tween boys. They were struggling financially. When the Disney Doxy searched the corners of the internet for all she could find on Andersen's "The Snow Queen", she discovered this...
Concept art. For a Disney animated musical adaptation of "The Snow Queen". The Disney Doxy was thrilled. It was an amazing story. One of friendship, love, sacrifice and most impressively, a fairy tale in which the girl saves the boy. But 2D animation was eventually sent to the guillotine in favor of Dreamworks/Pixar copycats. All traditionally animation projects were canned. Indefinitely.
Enter John Lasseter and his creative overhaul.
The Princess and the Frog came to be. Then
Rapunzel Tangled. Suddenly, fairy tales were back. They were making money, picking up Oscar nominations. A second Disney Renaissance? Maybe. And the next fairy tale to be adapted? Hans Christian Andersen's "The Snow Queen".
I carefully avoided all promotional material. When commercials came on, I looked the other way and hit mute. Still, I saw a talking snowman and heard the “Gerda” character (who had been renamed "Anna" because "Gerda" is a fat chick's name) was the Snow Queen's sister. Okay.
Beauty and the Beast and
Rapunzel Tangled had major changes to their fairy tales and that turned out okay. Fine.
FINE. Stay positive.
Folks, the only thing
Frozen has in common with "The Snow Queen" is a woman with wintery powers, someone gets their heart frozen and its vaguely set in in Scandinavia. There's also a reindeer.
Sigh.
I have issues with
Frozen. Lots and lots of issues. And here is my platform to complain about
Every.
Single.
ONE.
Mötley Müsings
• It's been at least 2 years since I've watched
Frozen and I believe I've only seen it twice. Yeesh. My opinions could have changed. Let's be positive.
• Oh right. This is rated PG. For no fucking reason.
• I also am going to be drinking some pinot grigio during this. You've been warned.
• Is this what "ethnic music" in Scandinavia sounds like? It's a little too...Polynesian sounding?
• I think I neglected to mention that I saw this in theaters. With a bunch of fucking talking children with no respect for cinema. Which is why I'll probably never see a kids movie in a movie theater ever again.
• Ice diggers sing about the power of ice. Days before refrigerators.
• Young Kristoff and Sven. Okay.
• Look...I don't have a sister...so...
• ALL RIGHT. GRIEVANCE NUMBER ONE. WHY DOES ELSA HAVE THESE POWERS? Where did she get them? Why does no one else in her family possess them? Why am I the only one who asks this question?
• How is it when she called "Mama! Papa!" that no servants came first! They live in palace! AND WHY ARE THE PARENTS NOT IN THEIR FUCKING PAJAMAS!?
• The princess has ice powers, let's consult the rock trolls.
• Why bother reducing the staff? THEY SEE NOTHING AS IT IS!
• "Do You Wanna Build a Snowman?" is a fine Disney tune.
• "Hang in there, Joan."
• “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”
• Dead parents. And so no on rules the kingdom for three years? The plot holes in this are killing me.
• Wow, even my hair doesn't look that bad in the morning. But she fixed up nicely. But that dress shows too much skin for daytime.
• "Why have a ballroom with no balls?"
• Also like "For the First Time in Forever".
• "Wait...what?" Oh, 2010s.
• You know...I was totally fooled by Hans. I'm going to keep my eye on him.
• Like I said before, I don't have a sister so I can't begin to understand what it would feel like to be emotionally cut off from one.
• "Chocolate!" Cause girls like chocolate.
• "Love is an Open Door"...also a fine tune.
• To be fair, Anna and Hans do spend far more time talking than Snow White and Ferdinand, and Cinderella and Prince Charming, and Aurora and Phillip. And technically Ariel and Eric...seeing as how she can't speak at all.
• What do EITHER of you know about true love? And "true love" is a romantic concept. Familial love--which this movie is about--is a whole other ball of wax.
• "SORCERY."
• And no one's like "HEY ANNA, DO YOU HAVE POWERS, TOO?"
• All right, I guess the faux-villain asks. But...no one's asking HOW she has these powers? Why HER?
• Thirty minutes in. Anna sets off on a journey.
• Here comes the show stopper.
• The cold bothers ME.
• You know...CGI fabric never looks right.
• Side braid. #2010s Thank you, Elsa. Thank you, Katniss.
• So, Elsa abdicated. That makes Anna queen and she can now marry Hans.
• Anna, maybe you should have changed your clothes before you left on a journey through eternal winter. Just sayin'.
• Well, naturally the boots and dress fit her!
• I like Kristoff.
• "Reindeers are better than people..."
• For the third Disney fairy tale in a row, the heroine goes on a mission with the aid of the hero. THAT is getting a bit repetitive.
• "Didn't your parents ever warn you about strangers?"
• "What's his last name? What's his favorite food? Best friend's name? Eye color? Foot size?" Yep. I like Kristoff.
• Olaf. I like Olaf, too. Even though he's the dumb comic relief character. They've come a long ways since Gurgi.
• "I like warm hugs."
• "And who's the funky looking donkey over there?"
"That's Sven."
"Uh-huh. And who's the reindeer?"
• "Yeah. Why?"
• "I'm gonna tell him."
• So.....like what does Elsa do now that her palace is built?
• The "For the First Time in Forever Reprise" is...supposed to be dramatic and give you feels but it's just overblown. FEEL SOMETHING. THIS IS DRAMATIC. TALK-SINGING. (If you ask me, the only time talk-singing has ever worked was in
Les Miserables.)
• Seriously, drink every time someone says "Wait...what?" in this movie.
• "Does it look bad?"
"No."
"You hesitated."
• So, the trolls adopted him, um, because Disney kids can't have parents.
• "Because I love you Anna, I insist you run."
• WHY IS IT THE TROLLS KNOW ABOUT MAGIC AND LOVE?
• WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?
• "Only an act of true love..."
• Look at Hans, trying to do some stuff.
• And, you know, I've never gotten a lesbian vibe from Elsa, but I have horrible gay-dar.
• Well, if you can't lift the winter, they're going to want to keep you prisoner as punishment. Duh.
• Of all the villain reveals in recent DAFs, this one is the best. I did not see it coming and I totally should have since they played with this "love at first sight" nonsense in 2007's
Enchanted.
• Hans, you really should have waited until she was actually dead, man.
• Technically, Anna and Kristoff have known each other only a little while longer than she and Hans. IF HE HAD BEEN HER CHILDHOOD FRIEND, THOUGH, MAYBE YOU COULD HAVE RIDDEN THAT HIGH HORSE, DISNEY.
• "Love is putting someone else's needs before yours; like, you know, how Kristoff brought you back here to Hans and left you forever."
• Anna, haven't you learned anything!? But I understand your confusion because, like I said earlier, the phrase "true love" has only ever been linked to romantic love.
• Can you actually ride a reindeer like a horse?
• Okay, how did they all get out on the frozen lake? What did I miss?
• I cried in the theater. And then some dumb kids started asking their dumb mommy about what happened. Fuck children.
• Ugh, this chanting really bugs me.
• A piss bucket on the head is a good punishment for Hans. But not good enough.
• I like Anna's last dress.
• NO. NO ONE WANTS TO ICE SKATE IN SUMMER. No one but Olympic hopefuls.
• But seriously, they would burn Elsa at the stake.
• And this was rated PG WHY?
Final Thoughts
I already talked about how Frozen is not an adaptation of "The Snow Queen", so there's no need to go into that again, although I will reiterate my severe disappointment in all the wasted potential. I have to look at Frozen simply as a Disney Animated Feature.
They threw a bunch of stuff that worked in previous films at the wall and used what stuck. I am reminded of Disney's previous sloppy offerings
The Sword in the Stone and
Robin Hood where they (they being the writers and producers) played it safe, hitting certain beats but never delving too deep. However,
Frozen wants to say Something. All that stuff about Elsa hiding her true self to fit in, but relishing once she declares her independence, yadda, yadda, yadda...
Cool. Not every DAF needs to be a bucket of yuks.
But
Frozen is so damn unfocused. It gets from point A to B to C, but it drags its feet. It seems to not have any idea where it's going, like the writers were playing a game of "what if?" and "now what?" and then saying, "Yeah! That works!" It feels like a first draft, which is a real laugh considering how long this thing spent in development hell.
There is so much going on--Elsa's powers, Elsa's feelings, Anna's feelings, Elsa and Anna's relationship, the coronation, the weasel guy and his trade stuff, Prince Hans, Kristoff, the trolls.
Too much stuff and not enough time. It makes my head spin.
All right, characters. I find Elsa boring. Yup. And Anna is just doing Zooey Deschanel's "adorkable" shtick. Kristoff, Sven, and Olaf are all entertaining. Hans is the most interesting to watch once you know the twist. The songs are mostly good. Looks good and all. Mmmm-hmmmm.
But apparently, I'm wrong about
Frozen, because the populace loved it, ate it up, and begged for seconds. Seconds are on their way, which I'm not happy about. (Sequels have no place in the Disney canon, if you ask me. It's lazy.) But maybe they will clear up the ridiculous number of unanswered questions and plot holes. What a drag.
Look, guys, Frozen is way overrated. Time will show that. Remember when people were going fucking crazy over
Shrek? (I was one of those people :-|) And now everyone agrees it's just not that good? Same thing will happen here. Mark my words. Not a film that deserves to be destroyed or forgotten or anything, just one that everyone needs to calm the fuck down about.
Favorite Character
 |
| Kristoff |
Favorite Moment -- Kristoff and Anna's first conversation.
Favorite Song -- "Let it Go" performed by Idina Menzel. Duh.
