The Jungle Book (1967)

Directed by Wolfgang Reitherman
Written by Larry Clemmons, Ralph Wright, Ken Anderson, Vance Gerry, Floyd Norman and Bill Peet. Based on The Jungle Book by Rudyard Kipling.
Premiered October 18, 1967
78 minutes
Rated G

Synopsis
Ten years after a baby human boy is adopted by a she-wolf in the Indian jungle, the wolf pack is dismayed by the return of the vicious tiger Shere Khan (George Sanders) who hates all human. They decide the "man cub", Mowgli (Bruce Reitherman), must return to the "man village" for his own safety (and their's as well). Mowgli is tricked into going on the journey with the pragmatic panther Bagheera (Sebastian Cabot), but he would rather stay in the jungle, insisting he is savvy enough to do so. On his own, Mowgli bonds with a care-free bear named Baloo (Phil Harris), evades the hypnotic python Kaa (Sterling Holloway) and is kidnapped by the orangutan King Louie (Louis Prima) who is interested in learning Mowgli's knowledge of fire. 

Before We Begin
This was the last DAF ever touched by Walt Disney himself before he died in 1966,  nearly a year before the theatrical release. But he had his hands in the production and saw a lot of it. And it did really well at the box office. Like really, really well. Like the highest grossing movie of 1967 well, which means it made more money than The Graduate and Bonnie & Clyde. Yup.

As for me, I was given a VHS of The Jungle Book soon after its 1991 release. You might recall from my Fantasia review that I did not play favorites with my Disney videos; I watched them equally. Even though there were only three female characters (a wolf, an elephant, and a singing girl), let alone no princesses, I rather enjoyed The Jungle Book and to this day, I rank it surprisingly high.

Mötley Müsings

• Just putting this out there: The Jungle Book is a really shitty title for a movie. And kind of a shitty title for a book too.

• Mowgli, yet another Disney orphan. Parents died in a canoe accident? And like Tarzan’s parents, I wonder why the beast who ate the parents didn’t eat the most helpless thing!

• I think there are actual cases where she-wolfs have raised humans.

• “I knew there’d be no problem with the mother, thanks to maternal instinct.” BOO!

• Tarzan vibes.

• So, Mowgli is ten years old.

• Sher Khan killed his parents, right? Right? Like who else? (I bet he did in the 2016 live action remake. Still haven't seen it.) Note: I started watching the live action version on Netflix and that's totally what happened.

• I just realized that Mowgli doesn’t give a shit about leaving his wolf parents. What a dick!

• I haven’t watched this in so long!

• Bagheera is my favorite.

• “Oh, my ssssssinussssss.”

• That baby elephant has a Beatles haircut.

• “I’m putting in for a transfer to another herd.”

• This British colonel schtick is great.

• “Here it comes. The Victoria Cross bit again.”

• Real elephants apparently have great memories.

• Yeah…Mowgli’s a little shit.

• Bagheera and Tigger have similar designs. Bummer.

• Here comes Baloo.

• Well, I’ll give you this, Mowgli isn’t a coward.

• “Oh no! It’s Baloo. That shifty, stupid jungle bum.”

• “Right on the button!”

• “The Bare Necessities” is the best song in the movie, but not my favorite. Also, it was nominated for Best Original Song but lost to one the worst winners ever from Doctor Doolittle.

• The monkeys kidnap Mowgli and take him to King Louie who wants to learn how to act human and “make fire”. K.

• I am entertained.

• “While you create a disturbance, I’ll rescue Mowgli.” And that’s exactly what happens.

• I like Baloo and Bagheera doing this “two gay dads” thing.

• “Well you don’t exactly look like a basket of fruit yourself.”

• Moral of the story: Parenting is hard.

• Again, I’m bugged that Mowgli doesn’t want to go back to his wolf parents. This would work much better if he was just sort of feral…raised by ALL the jungle but no one in particular.

• I love how Bagheera is both feline and masculine.

• You’ve been calling him a bear, of course he has an identity crisis.

• Sher Khan ain’t no Tigger.

• Hey look, it’s Bambi’s mom.

• George Sanders…such a villainy voice.

• The characters are so delightfully British (except Baloo who is an ugly American for sure).

• Kaa is a tricky dick.

• This film was released in 1967 and yet no sitars!

• Sher Khan is a sophisticated bully.

• These vultures were supposed to be voiced by the Beatles, which would have been AMAZING. But they had better things to do. Like writing Sgt. Pepper and being bigger than Jesus.

• “LET’S DO SOMETHING!”

• Holy Bass!

• Mowgli is super brave and super stupid.

• “Now I’m going to close my eyes and count to ten. It makes the chase more interesting. For me.”

• Baloo to the rescue.

• Fire via the Hand of God deus ex machina lightning.

• And then what happens? Does he burn to death or what?

• What a lovely eulogy.

• Since Mowgli kicked Sher Khan’s ass—his biggest adversary—he should be able to stay in the jungle now. I mean, if the biggest issue was Sher Khan and Sher Khan is gone now...am I wrong?

• I. Love. This. Song.

• I thought only married Indian women wore the red dot.

• “She did that on purpose.”
“Obviously.”

• Her “come hither” glance is not age appropriate.

• And Mowgli just entered puberty.

Final Thoughts

Okey dokey. What brilliant thoughts and analysis do I have to share on The Jungle Book?

None. Sorry about that.

All I can say is it's a movie I enjoy. Yes, the main character is a bit of an annoying little shit, but thanks to nostalgia, I hardly notice. Bagheera rocks. "My Own Home" is hauntingly beautiful.

Peace.

Favorite Character

Bagheera

Favorite Moment -- The end
Favorite Song -- "My Own Home" performed by Darleen Carr

Tarzan (1999)

Directed by Kevin Lima and Chris Buck
Written by Tab Murphy, Bob Tzudiker, and Noni White. Based on the novel Tarzan of the Apes by Edgar Rice Burroughs.
Premiered June 12, 1999
88 minutes
Rated G

Synopsis
Deep in the African jungle, a human baby is adopted by a female gorilla Kala (Glenn Close) after his parents are brutally attacked by a vicious cheetah. Kala's mate and leader of the pack Kerchak (Lance Henriksen) disapproves of the human intrusion and refuses to accept the baby--now named Tarzan--as a part of the family. Many years later, Tarzan (Tony Goldwyn) is a grown man still struggling to find his place among his gorilla mates but  nonetheless has a gorilla friend, Terk (Rosie O'Donnell) and elephant friend, Tantor (Wayne Knight). Tarzan's world changes drastically with the arrival of biologist and researcher Archimedes Q. Porter (Nigel Hawthorne) and his beautiful, intelligent daughter Jane (Minnie Driver). As Tarzan and Jane connect, the Porters' guide Clayton (Brian Blessed) is eager to kidnap the gorillas to be sold.

Before We Begin -- Part Une (written c. December, 2016)
By the time I was eleven years old, I really didn't care about Disney movies anymore. I was one of those eleven year old girls that liked boys and embraced puberty rather than one of those eleven year old girls who desperately tried to cling to her childhood by keeping her Barbies around. I just didn't care when Tarzan came out, although, I was still watching the Disney channel and saw heaps of previews and promotional material. Yes, Deep Canvas and surfing Tarzan, sure, whatever, please show me more Britney Spears music videos, now.

I eventually did see Tarzan. On the Disney channel. Like, a year later. I was bored, because by then I was twelve, soon to be in the seventh grade, and it really wasn't happening. But since the Disney Independent Study Course of 2006, I have seen Tarzan a good many times. And...it's...okay part of the time...good some of the time. Just not my favorite.

Before We Begin -- Part Deux (written c. February, 2017)
Soooooooooo.....if you're paying attention to the timeliness in which these blogs are posted, you make have noticed a huge gap. True, Christmas was partly to blame. But the other part was Tarzan itself, a movie I just can't get excited about. A movie that feels like an absolute chore until I get into it. But, shit or get off the pot, right?

Mötley Müsings

• Looks good.

•  Ugh. Phil Collins. Why him? Obviously the producers/directors must have been fanboys.

•  Those are some HUGE sausage curls.

• The treehouse is badass, we can all agree.

• Tarzan's mom is pretty.

• I mean, why didn't the cheetah eat the baby! It's not like he couldn't smell it.

•  And the cheetah has a name. Well, I suppose the gorillas could have named him.

•  We're only 7 ½ minutes in. Oh boy.

• Mama gorilla saves baby. Kala.

• How would Kala know what he is?

• Honestly, she should probably consult her life partner before adopting a child.

• “Tarzan? Okay, he's your baby.” My reaction to basically everyone's baby name choices.

• “You'll Be in My Heart”. Best Original Song winner at the 1999 Academy Awards and the best song in the film. EASILY.

•  So green! I like the green.

•  All right, the Baby Tarzan section was okay, but this Kid Tarzan section is downright...arg, arg, grumble, grumble.

• Oh yeah. The days when you would put Rosie O'Donell in your movie...

• “Terk, can I come?”
“Yeah, if you could keep up. But, you know, you can't really keep up.”
HE DOESN'T QUITE FIT IN.

•  So is Terk his friend or not? More like a frenemy, it seems. She's far too concerned with fitting in with the other gorilla children. Which, this sort of thing is accurate to childhood, but Terk is still a jerk.

• The elephant hair mission...it just goes on, doesn't it?

• Emo Tarzan. Ugh...I just don't care about this child's problems. Why do I not have sufficient sympathy for him? Adult Tarzan is just fine.

• Time for another song. Montage: Tarzan tries to learn what he is. And he becomes a vine swinging, tree surfing adult. I'm coming aboard.

• Ah, Newman from Seinfeld, because NINETIES.

• That damn cheetah! How come the cheetah can't speak? Or does he just let his teeth and claws do the talking?

• The backgrounds in this are seriously amazing. Such texture!

• Kerchak, how can you still have a problem with Tarzan?

• A fart joke. Never a good sign.

• A gunshot! Humans! YAY! The good part of the movie.

• Maybe now is the time to talk a little bit about the book... Tarzan of the Apes was written by Edgar Rice Burroughs and published in 1912. Tarzan was the son of a pair of shipwrecked nobles—Lord and Lady Greystoke. The mom dies of, I don't know, let's just say “womanly sickness” and the dad is killed by Kerchak, the wicked leader of the apes. Tarzan is adopted by Kala, eventually kills Kerchak and becomes leader of the apes himself. Then along come the Porters who are accompanied by Tarzan's cousin, William Cecil Clayton, who is current Lord of Greystoke, because, you know, the original Lord went missing in the African jungle and somebody needed to do the job.

• Jane! One of the most underrated Disney heroines! Partly, because there is no way she can be a princess. (Just a lowly Lady if they followed through with Tarzan reclaiming his birthright as an English noble.

• Jane is a little bit of a rehashing of Belle. And not just because of the brown hair and yellow dress. (Love the bustle! Don't like the color. But they were obviously going for contrast against the GREEN GREEN GREEN of the jungle. Plus, something like safari gear always being khaki, I'm assuming.) But anyway, Jane is obviously intellectual and has an adventurous spirit, but she's far more neurotic and excitable compared to Belle. That also fits with the tone of the movie.

• Oh, and she has a short, eccentric, elderly father. Archimedes is cool, tho.

• Yes, love the bustle! The shorter hemline is inaccurate but the most practical part of her clothing for traveling through the jungle.

• And Tarzan's all twitterpated because HUMAN WOMAN.

• “Oh, look, bananas!” Minnie Driver is charming. A very good casting choice. Did you know the original Jane was American? #themoreyouknow

• This rescue is great. Definitely one of my favorite action sequences in all the DAFs.

• She's probably never seen a man that unclothed before.

• At least she tried to hit him for invading her personal space.

• “Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!”

• This is a very romantic and intimate scene.

• But here's “Trashin' the Camp” to come and fart all over this movie's earlier attempt at maturity. A total waste of time. Terk, Tantor, and friends marvel at Victorian technology and then destroy it. Let's not the forget the kids watching! They need something to entertain themselves seeing as how the previous scene was totally not for them.

• “And, Daddy, they took my boot! And I was saved! I was saved by a flying wild man in a loincloth!”

• Kerchak = Chief Powhatan. Tarzan = Pocahontas. Jane = John Smith.

• Oh good, Jane is wearing something far more practical.

• Damn, she can draw as well as a Disney animator.

• “Oh, shall I leave you and the blackboard alone for a moment?”

• “If I can teach a parrot to sing "God Save the Queen", then I can certainly teach this savage a thing or two.”

• The music...just doesn't lure me in.

• Tarzan falls in love with Jane while he learns about humanity. Jane starts wearing a camisole because it's probably way too fucking hot and humid in the jungle to keep wearing that long sleeved bustle getup.

• “Jane must stay with Tarzan.”

• Clayton uses Tarzan's love for Jane to get him to reveal the gorillas. Right from the Captain Hook playbook. "Even if you hadn't grown up a savage, you'd be lost. There are no trails through a woman's heart."

• IT'S A TRAP.

• So....yeah...I stopped watching this because I got bored...and now I'm back. With twenty-six minutes to go.

• Tarzan protects Clayton from angry Kerchak.

• Not a man, not a gorilla. WHERE DOES HE BELONG!?

• Kala helps him decide when she shows Tarzan's parents' badass treehouse.

• Dapper.

• I don't like Terk.

• But, oh no! Clayton is going to kidnap all the gorillas!

• “I've had it with you and your emotional constipation!” Okay...that's pretty funny.

• You guys really weren't suspicious? Really?

•  Animal friends to the rescue! They've got to be good for something.

• How is it suddenly nighttime?

• Strangled by vines...and Tarzan tried to save him.

• Kerchak is all humbled and calls him son...this is so...lazy?

• And it's raining because SAD. (Wow, I'm getting bitchy.)

• Is he going to take his place on Pride Rock and roar? Nope, just a chest beat.

• Jane jumps ship. Nice kiss. Very nice. Yes, yes.

• Jane has a bikini now. Boy is she going to miss some things....some feminine hygiene type things.

Final Thoughts

Well...I think it's very telling that it took me three separate tries and several months to get through Tarzan, don't you think? I obviously don't like it that much. I like portions of it, certainly. Pretty much anytime Jane is on screen and speaking. I like Tarzan and Archimedes, too. If Clayton were given a deeper motivation beyond making paper, he would be a more compelling villain. I can't help but think of the Beast vs. Gaston in Beauty and the Beast as an example of hero/villain foils. Who is the real beast? (Which also applies to Quasimodo and Frollo in The Hunchback of Notre Dame too. We'll get there.) The movie tries to put this out there in a half-assed sort of way. ("Not a man like you!") But there's just not enough. Also the loving adoptive mother and the cold-shouldered father figure seem...overplayed? There is nothing really fresh here.

It's a common belief that Tarzan marked the end of the Disney Renaissance. It's a belief indeed held by me. Tarzan just feels tired, you know? Another big, epic musical. Another heteronormative love story. Another Academy Award nomination (and win) in the Best Original Song category. It's a little paint by numbers and the burn out is showing around the edges. No wonder Disney wanted to branch out with something new. And hey, fine. Dinosaur is a worthy experiment, at least visually. Fantasia 2000 finally got Roy Disney to shut up. I don't really have the time to get into The Emperor's New Groove, but the end result is zany, buddy picture fun. But not everything worked (Atlantis, cough! Brother Bear, cough, cough!) which is why we're now back to singing princesses. Fine by me.

The hallowed Renaissance had to come to end some time and it could have been worse. The stunning visuals and Jane Porter save Tarzan from the Meh pile and just barely at that.

(On a personal and rather selfish note,  my entire childhood was basically enveloped by the Disney Renaissance. The Little Mermaid was released when I was 1 ½ and Tarzan was released when I was eleven. #humblebrag.)

Favorite Character

Jane Porter

Favorite Moment -- Tarzan and Jane's first meeting.
Favorite Song -- "You'll Be in My Heart" performed by Glenn Close and Phil Collins

Peter Pan (1953)

Directed by Clyde Geronimi, Wilfred Jackson, and Hamilton Luske
Written by Milt Banta, William Cottrell, Winston Hibler, Bill Peet, Erdman Penner, Joe Rinaldi, Ted Sears, and Ralph Wright. Based on the play Peter Pan by J.M. Barrie.
Premiered February 5, 1953
76 minutes
Rated G

Synopsis
In Edwardian London, pubescent Wendy Darling (Kathryn Beaumont) regales her younger brothers John (Paul Collins) and Michael (Tommy Luske) with stories of Peter Pan (Bobby Driscoll), a flying boy who never grows up, and his nemesis famed pirate Captain James Hook (Hans Conried). On the same night Wendy is banished from the nursery by her father (Hans Conried again), Peter and his pixie Tinkerbell come to the Darling house to get his shadow back, left behind while listening to Wendy's stories. Peter decides to take the Darling children to Neverland to show them a world where no one has to grow up. Meanwhile, Captain Hook is intent on capturing Peter so he can finally take revenge on the boy who cut off his hand and fed it to a crocodile.

Before We Begin
Peter Pan was the first Disney movie I ever owned. I know this because there is a picture of me gleefully holding the clamshell case on Christmas morning when I am but three years old. I loved Peter Pan. It was my first favorite Disney movie, until Beauty and the Beast superseded it not long after. As I got older, the princess movies took over in my heart, but I still thought of Peter Pan fondly. Then came 2003.

That was the year P.J. Hogan's live action true-to-the-play version was released. It was (and still is) better than the Disney version in every way possible. It came out when I was a hormonally raddled teen and to put it bluntly, it ruined Disney's version for me. This one is a mere cartoon, childish and shallow with not much (if anything?) to offer.

To be fair, I did not read any of the J.M. Barrie books until two years ago, so I will not slavishly be comparing and contrasting why this movie sucks for not including this or that. I'm also not going to play the "this could have been better if..." game I am so fond of, because if you want to know how it could have been better, just watch the 2003 version.

I sound harsh. Way harsh. Let's see if it's as mediocre as I remember...

Mötley Müsings
• I am feeling very indifferent. That's never good.

• It looks pretty good though.

• I wonder what the age difference between Mary and George Darling is. He scored big time.

• I like Wendy's nightgown.

• A dog as a nanny!? What!?

• Children are messy little shits, aren't they?

• "You old bilge rat."

• Chalk would fuck that shirt front up.

• "Captain Crook! Peter Pirate!"

• A room of her own? What an asshole father!

• "Poor Nana..."

• "You're really not a nurse at all." Um, YEAH! Get a real nurse.

• "He?" Mary's thinking "My daughter is fucking crazy."

• "Goodness gracious! Whatever shall we do!?"

• Tinkerbell...giving girls a complex about their hips since 1953.

• You know, this seems like it would be a great animated film but there's so much depth that gets lost.

• "Girls talk too much."

• "Get on with it, girl."
"My name is Wendy Moira Angela Darling."
"Wendy's enough." What a prick.

• That window is dangerously large. Kids would topple.

• Oh right. Let's jam the kiss thing in here.

• "My name is John."

• "She says you're a big ugly girl!" Disney's 14th Animated Feature: Girls Like Assholes.

• On our way to Neverland.

• "I've almost forgotten how to slit a throat."

• This Captain Hook is often among favorite villains lists...and I disagree. He's okay...and he has a couple great moments, but he's just too silly most of the time to be taken seriously.

• He did just kill someone in cold blood...for singing. Which speaks of psychopathy more than anything else.

• That bird is a hard sleeper

• "Some more of those scurvy brats." Just how many kids has he brought to Neverland?

• Here's the part where Tinkerbell tries to get Wendy killed by the Lost Boys...who are dressed in Furry pajamas for some reason.

• How is it an entire franchise has been built around this psychotically jealous twat pixie? People are all worried that Snow White, Cinderella and Aurora are negative influences, but at least they don't try to murder anyone. How is Tinkerbell a good influence? She's the most villainy of the non-villains. It's bullshit.

• Well, Peter banishing her is a start...

• "I shall try to be worthy of my post."

• "Injuns." "Quite savage, you know." UGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH.

• I cannot imagine the Lost Boys ever besting these Indians.

• "Didja miss me?"

• You're just encouraging him to be more of an asshole! STAHP!

• "And in her nightdress, too!"

• "We were only trying to drown her."

• "There is no path through water to the Happy Hunting Ground." See, when Hook is racist, it's okay because he's a villain and we're supposed to hate him.

• Comic gunplay.

• A rapier vs. a dagger?

• Ugh. I can't believe I ever liked a preteen boy. They're such assholes.

• "A jealous female can be tricked into anything."

• This "What Makes the Red Man Red?" part is just...sigh...a product of its time.

• "Good! This should be most enlightening." No, John. No.

• How come Tiger Lily gets to dance and Wendy has to fetch firewood?

• You tell her, Wendy.

• This is Hook at his best--manipulative gentleman.

• "...tossing her aside, LIKE AN OLD GLOVE."

• "It's that Wendy who's to blame!"

• "Take this down, Smee."

• "Big Chief greets Little Mother. HOW!" "Ugh." Ugh, indeed.

• "Everyone else thinks I'm wonderful." Everyone else is an asshat.

• "I had a white rat!"

• Who would want to come back?

• Tinkerbell tries to redeem herself...and Peter realizes how important she is to him...but it's all too little too late.

• Wendy, I understand your proper British girlness doesn't include piracy, but don't choose death.

•...and Tinkerbell survived a bomb going off. K.

• So why does Peter choose not to fly during this fight? Honor or something? That's a laugh.

• "Tinkerbell and the mermaids!" WHO TRIED TO KILL YOU, DON'T YOU REMEMBER?

• "Mary, I'm going to bed."

Final Thoughts

Man...I hate to do this.

So I watched this movie in two parts because that's how I had the time to do it and I was not in any rush to finish it, either. It was then that I realized I was not On the Fence and my feelings were far too negative to even feel Meh. So I have relegated Disney's Peter Pan to Something Amiss.

I never thought I'd see the day. But if I'm being perfectly honest, that's where it belongs. Even if I pretend Peter Pan 2003 doesn't exist, Disney's version is still so childish. The "family film" of the 1950s is going to be far more innocent than the "family film" of the 21st century--I get that--but even using those standards, it's still pretty Playskool.

Oh yeah. And Peter is an asshole. When one of the movie's main characters is so unlikable, it doesn't make for a very "fun" viewing experience. And while Wendy can be charming on her own and has much potential, you become frustrated with her misguided and dogged adoration of Peter. Thank goodness she goes back to London in the end.

As flawed as this version is, "Peter Pan" as a story--with its various characters and set pieces--is a creative masterpiece. Disney doesn't stray too far from the source material which helps this movie stay out of the Bottom of the Barrel. Plus, it looks good, there are a few quality moments, and there's that Nostalgia Factor I can't entirely shake.

The main problem with Disney's Peter Pan? I grew up.

Favorite Character

John Darling

Favorite Moment -- Captain Hook's manipulation of Tinkerbell.
Favorite Song -- "The Second Star to the Right"

Robin Hood (1973)

Directed by Wolfgang Reitherman
Written by Larry Clemmons, Ken Anderson, Vance Gerry, Frank Thomas, Eric Cleworth, Julius Svendsen, and David Michener. Based on the English legend of Robin Hood.
Premiered November 8, 1973
83minutes
Rated G

Synopsis
In 12th century England, King Richard the Lionheart is off fighting in the Crusades and has left his greedy younger brother Prince John (Peter Ustinov) in charge. While he taxes the poor residents of Nottingham--governed by the cruel Sheriff (Pat Buttram)--and Sherwood Forest, outlaw fox and skilled archer Robin Hood (Brian Bedford) and his best friend Little John (Phil Harris) rob from the rich to feed the poor. Prince John is reasonably frustrated and decides to hold an archery contest to trap Robin Hood and uses his ward Maid Marian (Monica Evans), Robin's childhood sweetheart, as bait.

Before We Begin
You know how there's that chick at school who always does her makeup, styles her hair, and wears cute clothes? And then one day she shows up to class with a bare face, a messy bun and yoga pants and you're like "Man...I'll bet she's going through some shit..." Well, Robin Hood is the Disney Animated Feature version of that.

Walt had been gone for seven years by the time Robin Hood came out and the Disney company was making most of their money from theme parks and their live action flicks. The animation department--which was once upon a time the heart and soul of the company--was the unattractive spinster nobody wanted to dance with. But out of tradition or guilt or something, they kept it going. Robin Hood? Sure! It's a classic story (or premise, rather) that everyone knows! But let's make the characters animals! That's fun and child friendly, right? Right! Yayyyyyyyyyyy!

Mötley Müsings
• Oh, this is going to be so relaxing!

• Ah...the book. I love the book.

• "You know there's been a heap of legends and tall tales about Robin Hood, all different too. Well, we folks in the animal kingdom have our own version. It's the story of what really happened at Sherwood Forest." Sure. Why not?

• Anyone remember "The Hamster Dance"? It's from this movie.

• Opening credits to pad this thing out. Reused animation that we haven't seen yet.

• "Take a look at your hat. That's not a candle on a cake."

• "Rob? That's a naughty word. Tsk, tsk, tsk. We never rob."

• Sir Hiss is basically Smithers. YESSSSSSSS.

• "This crown gives me a feeling of power! Power! Forgive me a cruel chuckle. Heh-heh-heh. Power."

• Our heroes in drag! Blue eye shadow! #1970s

• "Female bandits? What next?"

• This is pretty fucking ballsy. Robbing the king prince.

• Let's do this: King Henry II had five sons--William, Henry, Geoffrey, Richard, and Baby John. By the time Henry II kicked the bucket, his three eldest sons had as well leaving Richard the king. However, Richard disliked England and preferred to live in France (where his mommy, Eleanor of Aquitaine, was from). So even though Richard was king, he decided he wanted to fight in the crusades and Eleanor was all "why don't you leave John in charge while you're away?" And he's like "Okay." John pretty much did what he wanted and tried to take over England, but when Richard got back, he forgave him and made John his heir because he didn't have any legitimate heirs. The people of England were thrilled.

• I thought that crystal ball was way cool when I was a kid.

• Of course your name will go down in history, John, you're one of Henry II's sons.

• "Solid gold hubcaps."

• Like they would carry around the treasury like that.

• HOW THE HELL DID ROBIN GET JOHN'S ROYAL ROBES? WHAT!?

• John's mommy issues...whoa...

• You know what would be fucking awesome? A western version of Robin Hood. Instead of a skilled archer, Robin could be a sharpshooter. Sheriff of Nottingham. Maid Marian could be a school marm. Prince John could be like an evil mayor. Friar Tuck is like a preacher...It writes itself. How has this not been done? I mean, there's a Ratpack version!

I wasn't kidding.

• Bunny rabbits!

• "One whole farthing!" Sounds like a lot of money c. 12th century England. (It's a 1/4 of a penny, btw.)

• The main boy bunny--Skippy--looks a lot like Rabbit from the Winnie the Pooh shorts. AND HIS FATHER IS MISSING! #disneyconspiracytheories

• "Yes, mine yo mannows."

• "If I tattle tale, I'll die til I'm dead." Toby the Turtle is Milhouse.

• Maid Marian's gown looks like a 70s bridesmaid dress. Nice.

• "What a bonny wee bunny."

• Lady Kluck is a HUGE chicken.

• What's the deal with Maid Marian? I ask this concerning every version of Robin Hood. She's like Prince John's ward, but how and why? They never explain this. Robin Hood just needs a girlfriend.

• So...Robin Hood and Maid Marian were childhood sweethearts. And somehow Robin was allowed into Prince John's "back yard" and carved his and her initials in a tree. Then she left for London. Now she's back. And somehow

• "Do you have any kids? My mom has a lot of kids."

• "Your uncle King Richard--" WHAT? A LION IS HER UNCLE? SHE'S A FOX. WHAT?

• "Absence makes the heart grow fonder."
"Or forgetful."

• But no, Robin hasn't forgotten Marian. He happens to be dreaming of her right now. Because...he heard she's back from London?

• "You're burning the chow!"

• "What do I have to offer her?"
"Well, for one thing, you can't cook."

• Archery contest? It's a trap!

• Robin Hood's disguise is pretty damn good.

• And Little John's Sir Reginald, Duke of Chutney is an inspiration. Even if his costume is from the 16th century.

• "P.J.!"

• Helium balloons?

• "Yay, Dad!"

• "I suspect you favor the gangly youth."

• At least he wasn't naked underneath.

• "My dear, emotional lady, why should I?"

• Chase scene. Fighting....

• Mmmm...blackberry pie...

• I always want Little John and Maid Marian's lady-in-waiting to get together...

• Yay! Now it's time for the Academy Award nominated "Love"...This looks so beautiful. And this flower ring with the firefly!

• "The Phony King of England" ...but John did eventually become king because Richard didn't sire any legitimate heirs.

• "Too late to be known as John the First/He's sure to be known as John the Worst"...well, he was (and is) the only King John of England

• So much recycled animation...

• "Old Rob'll snatch his underwear..."

• Here's one of the most melancholy Disney songs..."Not in Nottingham."

• The Sherman Brothers were the go-to songwriters for DAFs in the 60s, but for some reason (????) they branched out in the 70s. In 1973, Hanna-Barbera's Charlotte's Web came out with songs penned by the Sherman Brothers. And I think it's their best work. Yep. I said it.

• I used to think the cookie crumbs the mice eat was from one of those Little Debbie oatmeal cream cookies. #childlogic

• The mouse bed is a shoe. Adorable.

• "THAT'S THE POOR BOX!"

• "GET OUTTA MY CHURCH!"

• Damn...Friar Tuck has blown a gasket.

• Money still doesn't make Prince John happy...because he ain't got no respect.

• My fiancé just walked in and said "I know this...it's The Emperor's New Clothes." No, Babe. :-)

• Hang Friar Tuck? It's another trap!

• I'm not gonna lie: when they start the "jailbreak/heist" portion of this movie I completely check out...

• Ha! Hiss sleeps in a cradle.

• "Praise the Lord and pass the tax rebate!"

• Robin, man, just let him keep that last bag of gold. Is it worth it?

• They're shooting arrows at that little baby bunny!

• If they made this movie today, Marian would be in on it and helping with the exodus ala Eowyn.

• "He's just gotta make it!"

• "Now, look what you've done to your mother's castle."

• And King Richard returned and straightened everything out....meaning he put John to work in a rock quarry. No. If anything, he'd be put in the Tower or something.

• Cinderella wedding music.

• Why is Little John dressed like Sir Reginald again?

Final Thoughts
Oo-de-lally. I don't think I could have picked a better movie to follow my review of The Princess and the Frog. I had so much (too much?) to say about that movie and now I have Robin Hood...which is easily the crappiest Disney animated feature ever made. Now "crappy" doesn't mean, "not entertaining", it is literally just not very well made. It is lazy. It is a lazily told story that lazily reuses animation. But I obviously like it well enough if it's in my On the Fence category and not lower.

I mean, there's some funny moments and the voice work is great. I like the songs because I like 70s music. And that's about it. I'm not saying it deserves to be on any Greatest Animated Movies lists (Oh God, no.) I like it, but I know it's weak.

I shunned The Sword in the Stone for not doing more with Arthurian legend, so why am I not doing to the same for Robin Hood? Um...nostalgia? Yep. Nostalgia. I'm gonna go with that because I can't think of any better excuse. My grandma owned Robin Hood on VHS, so it was an oft watched DAF growing up. When you're seven, what's not to like? So yes, let's all blame nostalgia for my giving Robin Hood a passing grade when it doesn't deserve it.

Favorite Character

Prince John

Favorite Moment -- Robin and Marian walking around to "Love".
Favorite Song -- "Love" performed by Nancy Adams

Winnie the Pooh (2011)

Directed by Stephen J. Anderson and Don Hall
Written by Stephen J. Anderson, Clio Chiang, Don Dougherty, Don Hall, Kendelle Hoyer, Brian Kesinger, Nicole Mitchell, and Jeremy Spears. Based on the Winnie-the-Pooh stories by A.A. Milne.
Premiered July 15, 2011
63 minutes
Rated G

Synopsis
It's an ordinary day in the Hundred Acre Wood and teddy bear Winnie the Pooh (Jim Cummings), always with a rumbly in his tumbly, goes on a search for honey. On the way, he misinterprets a note from his owner Christopher Robin (Jack Boulter) and asks for help from the educated Owl (Craig Ferguson). Owl is convinced Christopher Robin was kidnapped by an evil monster named the Backson. Pooh gathers up his companions energetic Tigger (Jim Cummings again), neurotic Piglet (Travis Oates), mother and son Kanga (Kristen Anderson-Lopez) and Roo (Wyatt Hall), mature Rabbit (Tom Kenny) and depressed donkey Eeyore (Bud Luckey) to rescue their boy.

Before We Begin
For some reason, unbeknownst to me, I resented Winnie the Pooh throughout my childhood. I think I can pin point it to my mother, who also, for some reason, unbeknownst to me, resented it. Thusly, no video featuring the stuffed bear was ever purchased, rented or viewed until my junior year of high school. I finally bit the bullet and watched The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh simply because it’s part of the canon. I thought I was going to hate it. But I was wrong.

I found it incredibly endearing, sweet, and cute as hell. Instead of being insipid and “preschool” as I had originally thought, Many Adventures introduced me to a delightful cast of characters I had only seen in passing and on the sweatshirts of women at Walmart.

You know the stuff.

So when I heard about a new Winnie the Pooh movie and that it was traditionally animated (!!), I was all for it. And when I finally saw Disney's last (for all we know) traditionally animated feature, I was...disappointed.

Let's see why.

Mötley Müsings
• Fact: this is exactly the third time I will be watching this movie.

• Coming off of Disney's longest animated feature, I am looking forward to this movie's brisk 63 minute run time. (SPOILER: Ten of those minutes are end credits. I shit you not.)

• Live action room! "This could be the room of any small boy." Judging by the serious lack of video game consoles, I'd say any small boy from forty years ago.

• UGH. Zooey Deschanel. TWEE.

• Animation is cleaner than Many Adventures which is to be expected.

• It's very charming.

• And I like the font used in the book. I think it's the same one from the Harry Potter series.

• Eeyore breaking the third wall.

• "Chapter 1: The Birth of a Genius."

• "You have such a talent for speaking and telling us what to do."

• Dude, Pooh is just a G rated version of Homer Simpson.

• Gah. Tigger. I. Don't. Like. Tigger. He's that obnoxious guy your friends always invite to parties and you spend the evening trying to avoid.

• "My tummy is feeling a little eleven o'clockish."

• "Is there honey in this paragraph?"

• So, Eeyore's tail is missing. And now so is Christopher Robin. The "plot" begins.

• The chalkboard sequence! This is good.

• "Back soon? Sounds like Backson." There are no stakes and even the movies knows this. It just feels odd.

• Rabbit...there is something not quite right about you...I liked you better when you were a cranky old fusspot. Now you're just goofy.

• "I probably deserved that."

• "Do you want to come to party Saturday night?"
"Will Tigger be there?"
"Yeah, man, Tigger's a blast."
"...I suppose."

• I get what they're trying to do by pairing up Tigger and Eeyore, but I just feel exhausted.

• "No honey before honey, honey."

• All right...I want some honey.

• Rabbit's day dream. Nice.

• "Something tells me I was better off with Tigger."

• "It lags a bit in the middle." Uh-huh.

• Cartoony.

• Oh look. Christopher Robin is back.

• A balloon can't eat honey!

• Owl, you didn't notice it was Eeyore's tail? Like, really?

• Damn, that's a lot of honey.

• 53 minutes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Final Thoughts
Well, I was wrong. I certainly shouldn't have ranked this so low. It was enjoyable. An enjoyable piece of fluff. An enjoyable, somewhat insignificant piece of fluff.

Look, it's only 53 minutes long which is unheard of when it comes to major motion pictures released by giant movie studios in the 21st century. I have not read any of the Winnie the Pooh books by A.A. Milne so I don't know how many of the stories were already used up by The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh and the various TV series and Direct-to-Video features. I'm guessing a good chunk if they couldn't pad this out to 70 minutes including credits.

Is it the running time that's really bugging me? No. The stakes in WTP are just so very low. Of course, the stakes in the three shorts that make up Many Adventures are also low. But that film is segmented. Three beginnings, three middles, three ends. The stakes don't have to get high to hold our attention. As consumer of adult entertainment (no, not that kind), I am used to more conflict and I just feel too old for this movie. It is a truly G rated kids film. There is nothing to upset the delicate sensibilities of little children here.

(Isn't it fucking bonkers that The Hunchback of Notre Dame is also rated G? I digress...)

So yes, Winnie the Pooh does not belong in the Something Amiss category. (I reserve the right to rename these categories as I please.) I liked it and I appreciate its existence, but if Disney ever wants to resurrect classic 2D animation, it's going to need something far more grandiose.

One last thought: nothing dates this movie more than the inclusion of Zooey Deschanel.

Favorite Character

Winnie the Pooh

Favorite Moment -- The chalkboard sequence about the Backson.
Favorite Song -- "A Very Important Thing to Do" sung by Zooey Deschanel

Oliver & Company (1988)

Directed by George Scribner
Written by Jim Cox, Tim Disney and James Mangold. Based on Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens
Premiered November 18, 1988
73 minutes
Rated G

Synopsis
In New York City an orphaned kitten (Joey Lawrence) is mesmerized by the streetwise Jack Russell terrier Dodger (Billy Joel) and falls in with his gang of pickpocketing canines--fast talking Chihuahua Tito (Cheech Marin), sophisticated English bulldog Francis (Roscoe Lee Brown), sassy Afghan Hound Rita (Sheryl Lee Ralph), and a Great Dane ironically named Einstein (Richard Mulligan). The group of dogs is lead by bumbling thief Fagin (Dom Deluise). Eventually the impressionable kitten is adopted by poor little rich girl Jenny Foxworth (Natalie Gregory) and named Oliver, much to the dismay of her spoiled poodle Georgette (Bette Midler). After the gang discovers Oliver's pampered new life, Fagin decides to kidnap the kitten and hold him for ransom to pay off his various debts to cruel loan shark Sykes (Robert Loggia).

Before We Begin
My only exposure to Oliver & Company as a child was through the many previews on my many Disney VHS tapes. It looked...okay, I suppose, but not entertaining enough for me to beg my mom to rent for me. I liked the princess movies, truth be told, and Oliver & Company lacked princesses. In fact, I'm not sure if any of the previews featured Jenny--a character I could relate to, you know, with her being a little girl and all. Even my childhood obsession with kitty cats didn't spark my interest. Something about Disney's 27th animated feature just didn't interest me.

I can't recall when exactly I finally sat down and watched Oliver & Company. High school, I imagine. And by then I was a lost cause. If you don't first watch this movie in the deep throes of childhood and create warm fuzzy feelings in the process, then you're never going to like it. It is a kid's movie, through and through.

Two years ago, I had a job which allowed me to listen to audiobooks while working. I began burning through the classics and among them was Oliver Twist. Knowing the source material all the better, I kept thinking..."Wow...Oliver & Company sucks more than I even knew." Don't worry, I'm not going to do a play by play of how Disney mangles Dickens. 'Twould be a exercise in futility.

Mötley Müsings
• New York City. Something about Disney in a "contemporary" setting is just...questionable.

• Huey Lewis #80s

• Those clothes on the humans! Dated!

• Gah, this doesn't look so good. We are still in the "scratchy" Xerox era.

• Look, Disney straight up needs to make more cat movies. Look at all the internet cat videos! People love cats!

• I mean, of course we're going to feel sorry for this poor little kitty. No one wants him. It's raining. He escaped those vicious dogs. Points for Unnamed Orange Kitten.

• Yankees hat #2. We get it. The movie is set in New York City. The opening song said that about twenty times.

• Rap! Rap makes its first (and last?) appearance in a DAF. And also the first appearance of a black character? I'll check back in with you after The Rescuers, because I think there might be some African dignitaries at the UN.

• Hot dog vendor is grotesque.

• Here comes Dodger. Ew. Kissy faces at the Pekinese bitch (proper term). I am not keen on street harassment.

• Dude, I could have sworn Joey Lawrence was my age...nope, I'm mistaking him for his younger brother.

• Dogs from previous DAFs making a cameo. I choose to think of it as homage instead of plain ass laziness.

• Francis watching a production of Macbeth. Props to Disney for not just doing the "to be or not to be" scene from Hamlet.

• Tito is obnoxious.

• Here comes Fagin, voiced by Don Bluth favorite Dom Deluise. He is also grotesque looking. And unlikable. Dickens's Fagin is deplorable for using little children to steal for him. Disney's Fagin is just pathetic relying on dogs to do his dirty work.

• Sykes. In Oliver Twist, Bill Sikes is a thief. Here, he's a loan shark. So like, what did Sykes lend money to Fagin for? Since he live in a shitty boat in a sketchy harbor, I'm going to say drugs.

• Roscoe and Desoto are pretty good toadies. And by good, I mean evil and threatening.

• And Unnamed Orange Kitten scratches one of them! Go, kitty, go! Oh, and he's found a family.

• Oh no. "Streets of Gold". Sassy 80s R&B by way of the Pointer Sisters. Does this add anything? The opening sequence showed how dangerous New York can be.

• "Don't worry. I'm sure they'll be home for your birthday." "No." DAMN. Jenny is bland like Unnamed Orange Kitten, but we sympathize.

• Yes, Jenny, it seems your parents don't give a shit about you. If they're on a work trip and can't leave, they can easily afford to fly you and Winston the butler anywhere, but they choose to be selfish assholes. (And their poodle has a nicer room than you do!)

• "Perfect Isn't Easy" is pretty entertaining and absurd.

• Georgette doesn't have an equivalent in Oliver Twist.

• Unnamed Orange Kitty is finally named Oliver.

• Georgette fears Dodger will, erm, have his way with her and then is disappointed when he tells her she's "barking up the wrong tree". Ugh...

• And Tito kisses Georgette and gets smacked.

• Seeing Oliver's fancy cat collar, Fagin hatches a plan to hold the kitten for ransom until his rich owner pays up. This feels darker than it should because all that JonBenét Ramsey stuff has been on lately. :-/

• All right, the shot of Georgette eating a box of "chocolates" while watching an aerobics video is pretty funny.

• Well, obviously Oliver's "rich owner" is just a little girl with a piggy bank. Poor Jenny. But Fagin tries to do the right thing, but Sykes is having none of it and kidnaps Jenny to ransom her parents. Who are in Europe. And don't give a fuck about her.

• Oliver and company to the rescue!

• "Heigh-ho" from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs makes an appearance. uhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

• And Sykes gets hit with a train and everyone lives happily ever after!

• Except Jenny's parents STILL don't return home for her birthday. It's Disney! You'd think they'd pop in to surprise her! But Winston gets a call saying they're returning tomorrow. Tomorrow doesn't matter when you're turning [rewinds tape to count Jenny's birthday candles] eight. Fuck's sake, why not just animate them walking through the door? It's not like the actors were on another project! What is this shit!?

• And they better show up soon, because if I found out my butler allowed a bum to my kid's birthday party, I'd be pissed.

• Ew. And this romance between Tito and Georgette is awkward.

Final Thoughts
Eh...what can I really say? Oliver & Company is just...unpleasant. Not unpleasant like a golf shoe to the face, but unpleasant like waiting in line at the DMV. Slightly frustrating. And for someone like me, who forces herself to watch these movies, it's necessary like standing in line at the DMV. Look, it's just trying so hard to be hip and that's never hip. In fact, it dates the movie horribly. It might even be the most dated of all the DAFs. I'll get back to you on that.

It's just so 80s. Not awesome Back to the Future, The Empire Strikes Back 80s. Not fun, campy He-Man 80's. Just embarassingly "We Are the World", shoulder pads, Small Wonder, New Coke 80's. I mean, just look at the voice cast. This is some of Disney's most shameless celebrity casting. Dodger is streetwise! Let's get Billy Joel. He has a New York accent! And Georgette, she should be flashy...ah ha! Bette Midler! And Tito the Chihuahua, he should be Mexican, of course. Who is the most famous Mexican circa 1987? Cheech Marin! No one does a bad job, per se, but...it's pandering. And not so very different from the slough of animated features in the 2000s. (I'm looking at you Shark Tale.)

Even though we have Oliver and Jenny who are circumstantially sympathetic, they don't have much else to them. Dodger and Fagin are unlikable. Sykes is intimidating, but we don't spend enough time with him to get invested. And the supporting characters are broad stereotypes which is never ideal.

So...yeah. It's not a movie one hates, but what's to like?

Favorite Character

Francis

Favorite Moment -- I suppose I was most entertained during "Perfect Isn't Easy".
Favorite Song -- "Why Should I Worry" performed by Billy Joel