Alice in Wonderland (1951)

Directed by Clyde Geronimi, Wilfred Jackson and Hamilton Luske
Written by Milt Banta, Del Connell, William Cottrell, Joe Grant, Winston Hibler, Dick Huemer, Dick Kelsey, Tom Oreb, Bill Peet, Erdman Penner, Joe Rinaldi, Ted Sears, and John Walbridge. Based on Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking-Glass by Lewis Carroll.
Premiered July 26, 1951
75 minutes
Rated G

Synopsis
A proper Victorian English girl named Alice (Kathryn Beaumont) is distracted from her sister's history lesson by a White Rabbit (Bill Thompson) in waistcoat and decides to follow him down a rabbit hole. This leads Alice to a strange world where animals talk and nothing makes sense. While wandering around Alice meets a wide cast of characters including the twins Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum (J. Pat O'Malley), a pompous hookah smoking caterpillar (Richard Haydn), the mischievous Cheshire Cat (Sterling Holloway), and has a tea party with the Mad Hatter (Ed Wynn) and March Hare (Jack Colonna). Finally Alice is introduced to the Queen of Hearts (Verna Felton) who challenges her to a game of croquet.

Before We Begin
Perhaps there is no other Disney Animated Feature that my opinion has waxed and waned the most about. As a very young child, I loved the basic fantasy elements of Alice in Wonderland (as well as Peter Pan and The Wizard of Oz) but as I grew older, the nonsense, the randomness of the story, the lack of character development and the lack of stakes (it was all a dream!) became very unfulfilling, especially when compared to Peter Pan and The Wizard of Oz. From my teens to my mid-twenties I had a lowish opinion of Alice in Wonderland; it was well-executed artistically, the songs were pleasant enough, and there were a few laughable moments, but what was the point of it all?

My opinion is decidedly higher now. Let's see why.

Mötley Müsings

• Alice in Wonderland has more songs in it than any other DAF. #themoreyouknow

• Also, this movie did very poorly at the time of its release but gained popularity in the late 1960s because…you know…LSD.

• Alice’s sister is reading to her about William the Conqueror’s ascension to the throne in 1066 following the Battle of Hastings. :-)

• Kathryn Beaumont is a better Alice than Wendy.

• Oh, Dinah.

• “In my world, you wouldn’t say ‘meow’. You’d say ‘Yes, Miss Alice.’”

• “In a World of My Own” < “Over the Rainbow”

• “It must be something awfully important. Like a party or something.”

• This Doorknob fellow was not in either of the Alice books.

• Myth: Crying solves nothing. Fact: Crying can be a necessary way to process emotions.

• That green parrot looks an awful lot like Jose Carioca. Hmmm…

• Have I mentioned to you how much I love bunnies? I totally don’t blame Alice for running after one.

• “That’s logic.”

• One day, I will watch this after eating a great big pot brownie.

• “THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!”

• “The Walrus and the Carpenter” shows that curiosity can be your death. Which is true. Like if you get curious about what goes down on Venice Beach after dark…

• Mmmmm…vinegar.

• I’ve eaten raw oysters. Probably never will again.

• “That was a very sad story.”
“And there’s a moral to it.”
“Yes, a very good moral, if you happen to be an oyster.”

• Who is Mary? Why is there no live action spinoff about her??????

• “Goodness! I suppose I’ll be taking orders from Dinah next.”

• Stop eating things, Alice!

• “Poor Bill.”

• I love how everything in the White Rabbit’s house has rabbit ears.

• “You mean bread-and-butterflies.”

• “Of course we can talk, my dear.”
“If there’s anyone around worth talking to.”
“Or about!”

• This flower drummer! So heavy metal head banger! This movie is from 1951!!!! Is no one else impressed by this?

• “I think she’s pretty.”
“Quiet, Bud.”

• Caterpillar with human hands and feet. Ew.

• I smoked hookah once. Because I was dumb and in college.

• “Keep your temper.”

• “One pill makes you larger and one pill makes you small…” LOVE that song.

• “But I don’t want to go among mad people.”
“Oh, you can’t help that. Most everyone is mad here.”

• Today is my unbirthday!

• I love all these tea pot visual gags.

• Remember what the Dormouse said.

• What the hell is a dormouse? It’s a type of mouse.

• “Why yes, I’m very fond of tea.”

• “B-b-butter?”

• “Mustard? Don’t let’s be silly! Lemon, that’s different…”

• The true moral of this version of Alice in Wonderland is “be careful what you wish for.”

• “When I get home, I shall write a book about this place.”

• “I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it.”

• Finally, Alice wants to go home. She has a motivation other than finding out what the White Rabbit is late for. Also, we hear about the Queen of Hearts.

• “Not pink.”
“Not green.”
“Not aquamarine.”

• Whoa. These cards. Kinda makes me want to play Solitaire.

• “…and the king.”
“Hooray!”

• “YES! Your majesty.”

• “Curtsy while you’re thinking. It saves time.”

• Why is the Cheshire Cat such a dick?

• “NOTHING WHATEVER!”

• “Twinkle, twinkle. What next?”

• I wonder how many candles that is…

• Don’t eat them both!

• It was all a dream! Which is true in the text, unlike in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy actually goes to Oz.

Final Thoughts

Around age 26 I listened to an audiobook of Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and realized that the book itself is just as nonsensical. There is a lot of wandering around and talking to strange folk with no ultimate end game. Alice has no mission, not even to find her way home unlike Dorothy Gale. There is no real adversary like Captain Hook or threat of adulthood. There is no "journey to finding oneself". And you know what? I don't care. If the story of Lewis Carroll pulling ideas out of his ass to entertain three young sisters on boat ride is true then of course Alice isn't going to be a well-thought out piece of literature with themes and symbols and foreshadowing. I doubt very much Lewis Carroll thought his writings would ever be closely dissected. In my opinion, you have to dig very deep to superimpose a literary theme to this story and where dots can be connected, it's more coincidence than anything. (Alice's changing sizes represent her anxiety about puberty, my ass.)

So while I used to be annoyed at Alice in Wonderland's lack of reason, I now celebrate it. It is a very basic adaptation (of course it cuts and pastes a few things, but oh well.) It's true to the tone without being boring. And I suppose in this post-modern world where everything must have a deeper meaning, it's nice to just let the story be.

Favorite Character

The King of Hearts

Favorite Moment -- Alice with the flowers.
Favorite Song -- "Golden Afternoon"

The Jungle Book (1967)

Directed by Wolfgang Reitherman
Written by Larry Clemmons, Ralph Wright, Ken Anderson, Vance Gerry, Floyd Norman and Bill Peet. Based on The Jungle Book by Rudyard Kipling.
Premiered October 18, 1967
78 minutes
Rated G

Synopsis
Ten years after a baby human boy is adopted by a she-wolf in the Indian jungle, the wolf pack is dismayed by the return of the vicious tiger Shere Khan (George Sanders) who hates all human. They decide the "man cub", Mowgli (Bruce Reitherman), must return to the "man village" for his own safety (and their's as well). Mowgli is tricked into going on the journey with the pragmatic panther Bagheera (Sebastian Cabot), but he would rather stay in the jungle, insisting he is savvy enough to do so. On his own, Mowgli bonds with a care-free bear named Baloo (Phil Harris), evades the hypnotic python Kaa (Sterling Holloway) and is kidnapped by the orangutan King Louie (Louis Prima) who is interested in learning Mowgli's knowledge of fire. 

Before We Begin
This was the last DAF ever touched by Walt Disney himself before he died in 1966,  nearly a year before the theatrical release. But he had his hands in the production and saw a lot of it. And it did really well at the box office. Like really, really well. Like the highest grossing movie of 1967 well, which means it made more money than The Graduate and Bonnie & Clyde. Yup.

As for me, I was given a VHS of The Jungle Book soon after its 1991 release. You might recall from my Fantasia review that I did not play favorites with my Disney videos; I watched them equally. Even though there were only three female characters (a wolf, an elephant, and a singing girl), let alone no princesses, I rather enjoyed The Jungle Book and to this day, I rank it surprisingly high.

Mötley Müsings

• Just putting this out there: The Jungle Book is a really shitty title for a movie. And kind of a shitty title for a book too.

• Mowgli, yet another Disney orphan. Parents died in a canoe accident? And like Tarzan’s parents, I wonder why the beast who ate the parents didn’t eat the most helpless thing!

• I think there are actual cases where she-wolfs have raised humans.

• “I knew there’d be no problem with the mother, thanks to maternal instinct.” BOO!

• Tarzan vibes.

• So, Mowgli is ten years old.

• Sher Khan killed his parents, right? Right? Like who else? (I bet he did in the 2016 live action remake. Still haven't seen it.) Note: I started watching the live action version on Netflix and that's totally what happened.

• I just realized that Mowgli doesn’t give a shit about leaving his wolf parents. What a dick!

• I haven’t watched this in so long!

• Bagheera is my favorite.

• “Oh, my ssssssinussssss.”

• That baby elephant has a Beatles haircut.

• “I’m putting in for a transfer to another herd.”

• This British colonel schtick is great.

• “Here it comes. The Victoria Cross bit again.”

• Real elephants apparently have great memories.

• Yeah…Mowgli’s a little shit.

• Bagheera and Tigger have similar designs. Bummer.

• Here comes Baloo.

• Well, I’ll give you this, Mowgli isn’t a coward.

• “Oh no! It’s Baloo. That shifty, stupid jungle bum.”

• “Right on the button!”

• “The Bare Necessities” is the best song in the movie, but not my favorite. Also, it was nominated for Best Original Song but lost to one the worst winners ever from Doctor Doolittle.

• The monkeys kidnap Mowgli and take him to King Louie who wants to learn how to act human and “make fire”. K.

• I am entertained.

• “While you create a disturbance, I’ll rescue Mowgli.” And that’s exactly what happens.

• I like Baloo and Bagheera doing this “two gay dads” thing.

• “Well you don’t exactly look like a basket of fruit yourself.”

• Moral of the story: Parenting is hard.

• Again, I’m bugged that Mowgli doesn’t want to go back to his wolf parents. This would work much better if he was just sort of feral…raised by ALL the jungle but no one in particular.

• I love how Bagheera is both feline and masculine.

• You’ve been calling him a bear, of course he has an identity crisis.

• Sher Khan ain’t no Tigger.

• Hey look, it’s Bambi’s mom.

• George Sanders…such a villainy voice.

• The characters are so delightfully British (except Baloo who is an ugly American for sure).

• Kaa is a tricky dick.

• This film was released in 1967 and yet no sitars!

• Sher Khan is a sophisticated bully.

• These vultures were supposed to be voiced by the Beatles, which would have been AMAZING. But they had better things to do. Like writing Sgt. Pepper and being bigger than Jesus.

• “LET’S DO SOMETHING!”

• Holy Bass!

• Mowgli is super brave and super stupid.

• “Now I’m going to close my eyes and count to ten. It makes the chase more interesting. For me.”

• Baloo to the rescue.

• Fire via the Hand of God deus ex machina lightning.

• And then what happens? Does he burn to death or what?

• What a lovely eulogy.

• Since Mowgli kicked Sher Khan’s ass—his biggest adversary—he should be able to stay in the jungle now. I mean, if the biggest issue was Sher Khan and Sher Khan is gone now...am I wrong?

• I. Love. This. Song.

• I thought only married Indian women wore the red dot.

• “She did that on purpose.”
“Obviously.”

• Her “come hither” glance is not age appropriate.

• And Mowgli just entered puberty.

Final Thoughts

Okey dokey. What brilliant thoughts and analysis do I have to share on The Jungle Book?

None. Sorry about that.

All I can say is it's a movie I enjoy. Yes, the main character is a bit of an annoying little shit, but thanks to nostalgia, I hardly notice. Bagheera rocks. "My Own Home" is hauntingly beautiful.

Peace.

Favorite Character

Bagheera

Favorite Moment -- The end
Favorite Song -- "My Own Home" performed by Darleen Carr

The Black Cauldron (1985)

Directed by Ted Berman and Richard Rich
Written by  Ted Berman, Vance Gerry, Joe Hale, David Jonas, Roy Morita, Richard Rich, Art Steven, Al Wilson and Peter Young. Based on The Book of Three and The Black Cauldron by Lloyd Alexander.
Premiered July 24, 1985
80 minutes
Rated PG

Synopsis
In the ancient land of Prydain, a young farm boy named Taran (Grant Bardsley) dreams of being a courageous warrior instead of the lowly assistant pig-keeper of Hen Wen, who is the pet of master Dallben (Freddie Jones). However, Hen Wen is no ordinary pig and she is captured by the minions of the evil Horned King (John Hurt) who wishes to use the pig's clairvoyant powers to locate the Black Cauldron, an object capable of creating a deathless army. Taran sets out to recapture Hen Wen and meets annoying, cowardly, gluttonous Gurgi (John Byner), brave Princess Eilonwy (Susan Sheridan), and bumbling minstrel Fflewddur Fflam (Nigel Hawthorne) who aid him on his mission to find the Black Cauldron before the Horned King uses it to rule Prydain.

Before We Begin
It's quite likely that you've never heard of The Black Cauldron. The story of its troubled production and box office failure is one of legend. More detailed accounts can be found elsewhere on the internet and in the 2009 documentary Waking Sleeping Beauty, which I highly recommend.

But if you ain't got time for that, here's the quick and dirty version: In the 80s, Disney's animation department was having an identity crisis. Instead of adapting a fairy tale (which they hadn't done since 1959) or doing another talking animal movie (which they had been doing since 1967) they decided to go darker and make a Sword & Sorcery animated feature out of The Chronicles of Prydain series, (which they happened to own the rights to) to appeal to the preteen boy movie goer. It did not go well. The film lost money mostly due to its violence induced PG rating and was quickly swept under the rug, only to be quietly released on VHS in 1998.

I don't remember that video release. Do you? It wasn't until my independent study Disney course that I even realized The Black Cauldron existed. I was fascinated by its production especially since I loved another 1985 dark fantasy Disney box office bomb: Return to Oz. That movie is sadly underrated, but The Black Cauldron? Um....

You know we are in the Fondness portion of this journey through the canon so you know my feelings are mostly positive. But why?

Mötley Müsings

• Fun fact: I attempted to read The Book of Three after college. Attempted.

• Whoa, this VHS is not in good shape. Given that this is one of the widescreeniest of the widescreen DAFs, it should probably be viewed in its proper format in HD. Oh well.

• Let me just mention that I totally dig the early 80s Sword & Sorcery aesthetic which is what this movie is.

• Mythic prologue recitation by Hollywood legend John Huston.

• A cat with eyebrows! So fat!

• The Black Cauldron is a prime example of the classic “Hero’s Journey”. It's friggin' textbook.

• “But I was going into Tosche Station to pick up some power converters!”

• Look, if Lord of the Rings went back in time and knocked the boots with Star Wars, The Black Cauldron would their love child.

• Taran is not terribly likable. Rather bland and whiny. And not as sympathetic as Luke Skywalker. Or Frodo. Or Harry Potter.

• Hen Wen is cool though, especially for a character who doesn’t talk. And she’s a girl.

• The Horned King is grotesque in appearance but generically evil. All powerful, yadda, yadda, yadda…What’s his deal? We never find out. And it doesn’t really matter in the context of this film.

• Oh no. It’s Gurgi, the most grating part of this movie. Stupid, useless, cowardly “comic relief” character who brings nothing but frustration to the table. Until later.

• NAZGUL!

• Blood! Blood in a Disney Animated Feature!

• Taran, you done fucked up.

• Big breasted gypsy dancers. That’s one way to go about getting the teen boys into the theater.

• So violent with Hen Wen! BLOODY CHOPPING BLOCK!!!

• Admittedly, I’d like to watch Lord of the Rings now.

• Princess Eilonwy! And her computer animated bauble! I love her dress and hair.

• How are we supposed to like Taran when he is a grave robber?

• Flewddur Fflam…he talks too much. 

• I say, the constant violence keep this thing alive.

• Magic glowing phallic symbol.

• Horned King Force choking his minion. I don’t know if George Lucas was ripping off Lloyd Alexander or if Disney was ripping off George Lucas.

• “You? I’d say it was the sword’s magic.”

• Childish fight reminds me of Ron and Hermione. Taran is wrong, but Eilonwy overreacts.

• But they make up. Sha na na na.

• Gurgi. Has. Come. Back.

• Plot update: So our group gets sucked into a whirlpool which takes them down to Fairyville where Hen Wen is chilling out. The fairy king reveals the Black Cauldron is hidden in Morva. So they go to Morva to destroy the Black Cauldron before the Horned King gets to it. And just how are they going to do that?

• Three witches, one of whom is very big buxom and fond of Fflewddur Fflam. “You don’t mind if I pluck your harm, do you, handsome?” 

• This is very rapey.

• Taran trades the sword for the Cauldron. But it cannot be destroyed. However, to stop its power, a living being must willingly climb inside. But they will never come out alive. DUN DUN DUN!

• Budding romance…kinda?

• NAZGUL!

• Everyone is captured, except Gurgi who runs away. The Horned King has the Cauldron. Wickedness ensues. Blood. Skeletons. 

• Gurgi frees everyone and Taran decides to sacrifice himself because he’s a moody teen, but Gurgi jumps in instead. I’m okay with that.

• The Horned King gets sucked in. Flesh first, then bones. It's pretty gross.

• “Hero? Gurgi was the hero.” Sigh…it sure looks that way, doesn’t?

• “Oh, I adore forceful men.” Eep.

• The witches want the Cauldron back, so they give them Gurgi back in return. 

• And then he makes Taran and Eilonwy kiss. Eh? 

Final Thoughts

If you consult the history books, they will tell you The Black Cauldron was a box office failure because of its violence and dark tone, that teenagers were never going to be interested in Disney Animated Features no matter how much blood and tits you threw at them. That very well may have been true in 1985. But 32 years later, The Black Cauldron has still failed to become appreciated for "daring to be different" or being "ahead of its time".

It's not the story. You could call it "predictable" but I would call it "tried and true". It's the Hero's Journey. It will never, ever get old. No, it's what was done with the characters--the hero, the sage, the maiden, the villain, etc. Nearly all of them either fail to leave an impression or annoy the ever loving shit out of you. During production, I think the creators were far more focused on developing a gruesome high fantasy environment, fiddling about with Eilonwy's CGI bauble, and making sure they weren't being too twee. (They failed with the fairies, btw.)

Now, how much Lloyd Alexander is to blame for the characterization, I don't know. (That's probably why I tried to read the book in the first place.) So maybe Disney was working with already weak characters. Or maybe they weren't. I couldn't tell you.

But for a hero, Taran isn't very heroic. He wants to be a hero, talks about being a hero, but basically bumbles about making a real ass of himself in the process. He does not prove or redeem himself. The glory falls on Gurgi, whom everyone universally loathes, so the victory feels very hollow. We're happy to see him go and don't want him to come back. Fflewdurr is...eh, as is Dallben. The Horned King is EVILLLLLLL, but so what? So fucking what?

And then there's Eilonwy. She used to be my favorite character in this movie, but this viewing...something was off. She shines sometimes. She speaks her mind, acts bravely--which was pretty progressive for a Disney princess given that her predecessors were Snow White, Cinderella, and Aurora--and she's realistic. She isn't perfectly poised all the time. She, like many a preteen girl, is emotional. And that's fine. Oh, but she likes Taran, which, unfortunately, is perfectly believable given that preteen girls seem to have a predilection for liking boys who are unworthy of them. But I don't have to like it.

Everything I've said about The Black Cauldron can pretty much also be applied to the previously reviewed also action driven, also PG rated Atlantis: The Lost Empire. Too much world-building, not enough character development. And these movies suffered similar fates at the box office. To this day, both of them (and another we have yet to get to) are viewed as mutant children, sentenced to be locked away in the moldy rat infested corner of the Disney Vault.

My comments have not been positive and yet The Black Cauldron is in my Fondness category. A lot of it is sheer pity, to be honest. I don't blame the Disney animators for wanting to do something different. The Fox and the Hound was artistically unsatisfying (more on that later) and things were pretty bleak, so why not go balls to the wall in another direction? Also, I don't like everyone shitting on The Black Cauldron. I feel oddly protective for some reason. It's not that bad, people. It's just weak.

Fine, The Black Cauldron is not a "good movie". But I am fond of it.

Favorite Character

Hen Wen

Favorite Moment -- Hen Wen being a pig.
Favorite Song -- N/A

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937)

Directed by David Hand, William Cottrell, Wilfred Jackson, Larry Morey, Perce Pearce, and Ben Sharpsteen
Written by  Ted Sears, Richard Creedon, Otto Englander, Dick Rickard, Earl Hurd, Merrill De Maris, Dorothy Ann Blank, and Webb Smith. Based on the fairy tale by the Brothers Grimm.
Premiered December 21, 1937
83 minutes
Rated G

Synopsis
In a bucolic European kingdom, a vain Queen (Lucille La Verne) daily consults her Magic Mirror (Moroni Olsen) to learn who the "fairest one of all" is. When the mirror names the Queen's beautiful stepdaughter Snow White (Adriana Caselotti) as the fairest, she sends her loyal huntsman (Stuart Buchanan) to do away with her. However, the huntsman cannot bring himself to do the deed and sends Snow White running for her life. Deep in the forest, Snow White stumbles upon the cottage of seven little men--Doc (Roy Atwell), Happy (Otis Harlan), Sneezy (Billy Gilbert), Sleepy (Pinto Colvig), Bashful (Scotty Mattraw), Grumpy (Pinto Colvig), and Dopey--who work as diamond miners. She offers her services as housekeeper and cook until her Prince (Harry Stockwell) somehow manages to find her. However, once the Queen learns of Snow White's whereabouts, she sets in a motion a plan to take down the princess herself.

Before We Begin
I've always held the belief that just because something is the first, doesn't mean it's the best. Cars, anyone? Computers? Is the first of anything ever the best? Many people, such as the hacks at the American Film Institute, would have you believe Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs is the best Disney Animated Feature and the best animated feature of all time.

No. Just no. Tis only the first. It is a technical achievement and the beginning to one of the most successful film franchises of all time. (Yes, if you ask me, Disney Animated Features is a franchise.) And that fact should not be overlooked. If Snow White had been mediocre and failed to turn a profit or leave an impression, then we wouldn't have Pinocchio, Bambi, Cinderella, The Little Mermaid, right on up to Moana. And then there are the hundreds of other non-Disney full length animated features as well. No Pixar. No DreamWorks. No Don Bluth. No Hayao Miyazaki. And also no TV animation! No Simpsons! Not a world I want to live in.

But I am not really concerned with historical context here. I want to look at Snow White like I've been looking at all the others--what do I think about it? What are my opinions, thoughts, and feelings? I first saw Snow White after its first home video release in 1994. I was six. I didn't care about context then, but I did compare it to the other princess movies.

To be fair, even if I was "on the fence" about Snow White (which I'm not obviously), I would probably be a little kinder to it given that there was no precedent. But that's not necessary.

Mötley Müsings

• Look, when Disney Princesses became a “thing” in the late 2000s, Snow White was generally the least popular because…she wasn’t blonde like Cinderella or Aurora? I’m not sure, because they’re all kinda bland compared to the 80s/90s princesses and beyond. I feel sort of protective over Snow White. She can’t help that she’s a product of her time, so I am here to make a case for her.

• This VHS is over 20 years old. This VHS can legally vote. And drink.

• The book! Bring back the book!

• DAMN. 1930s makeup. Check out those skinny brows and the deep set eyeshadow.

• So, like no one else in the kingdom is concerned with Snow White working as a drudge?

• Speaking of the 1930s…chin length hair. The only princess with short hair and it’s bound to remain that way. (Rapunzel's Dido hair is not her fault.)

• People hate Snow White’s voice but I’m not one of them.

• Oh. The Prince knows her song.

• Yes, do run away. He’s a stranger. A serenading stranger. You have no idea what his intentions are.

• By the way, Snow White is supposed to be fourteen or so. According to Disney. And this prince is at least seventeen. Also, his name is Ferdinand. #themoreyouknow

• Why does Snow White get to change out of her rags to go flower picking? And isn’t she concerned that she is allowed to do something so frivolous? But she’s so sweet and trusting. She probably thought her stepmother had come around because she sees the good in everyone.

• The huntsman’s name is Humbert. #themoreyouknow

• And she’s so kind to little baby birds.

• This forest sequence is scary as fuck.

• How can you blame her!!!!

• BUNNIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

• Positive outlook, all things considered. At least she’s not wallowing. Good for Snow White. We could all learn a thing or two from her.

• “Oh, it’s adorable. Just like a doll’s house!”

• True story: I went to Disneyland and met Snow White. She told me I had “perfect princess hands”.

• Breaking and entering.

• “A pick axe? A stocking too!”

• “We’ll clean the house and surprise them. Then maybe they’ll let me stay.” Now, Snow White gets a lot of flack for cleaning the dwarfs’ house. But 1) Women of this era (meaning pre-WWII) had very few career choices and one of the most frequent while still being respectable was domestic work. 2) Snow White has done this kind of work for most of her life (as far as I can tell) so it seems natural she would use her specific set of skills to secure a roof over her head. Stop the judgement, everyone.

• Dwarfs or dwarves? Apparently “dwarfs” is correct. J.R.R. Tolkein popularized “dwarves”. #themoreyouknow

• We spend a lot of time with them, but to be fair, they’re in the title unlike some certain rodents I might mention in Cinderella. Ahem.

• “What funny names for children!” And Snow White is perfectly sensible.

• Can you blame her for sleeping after all that cleaning?

• So…are the dwarfs brothers or what? What’s their deal?

• “My cup’s been washed. Sugar’s gone.”

• I have a sudden urge to mop my floor…

• Now that I think of it, that’s a huge cottage. It has two floors!

• To be fair, I’d be pissed if I found some stranger sleeping in my bed after I got home from work.

• “Angel, huh. She’s a female. And all female’s is poison. They’re full of wicked wiles.” Grumpy…what’s your story?

• Bashful is probably the only animated male with visible eyelashes.

• The dwarfs have heard of Princess Snow White.

• Although Grumpy is kind of a misogynist prick, he correctly identifies the Queen as a witch. Is this a lucky guess or does he really know something? Do I detect a possible origin story? A live action spinoff? (Oh God, shut up! Shut up! Disney is rebooting everything! But never mind, a Snow White spinoff is coming already. It’s about her sister “Red Rose”. Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.)

• Lessons learned from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs: Without a woman’s care, men practice poor hygiene, keep messy houses, and can’t cook for themselves.

• Forcing someone to bathe is…torture? This gang-wash is a little disturbing.

• “Supper! Food! Hooray!”

• The Queen’s name is Grimhilde. #themoreyouknow

• And she’s just found out that she has the heart of a pig instead of Snow White’s.

• If you want something done right, you’ve got to do it yourself.

• I am surprised a woman this vain actually changes her appearance so drastically. But there were no prosthetics or makeup then, so magic was the next best thing. And damn, is it a drastic change. But what if the spell doesn’t wear off? Eep.

• All right…Snow White has said nothing about that rando prince who sang to her earlier in the week. And now she’s in love. But that’s fourteen year old girls for you. It was a meet-cute, I’ll give you that, but we didn’t see anything else significant.

• “And please make Grumpy like me.” Because working for someone who hates you sux.

• Maybe you should have checked if there was an antidote before you made the poison apple. “Love’s First Kiss? No fear of that. The dwarfs will think she’s dead. She’ll be buried alive!” You would think…

• The Queen is very hands on in this, rowing a boat, walking through the forest. She learned her lesson with the huntsman.

• They all warn her to look out for the Queen, but her kind heart gets the best of her. (Plus, I think she would never suspect the Queen to mar her good looks for any reason.)

• “Why Grumpy, you do care.” Kisses are powerful.

• My pies never look that good. And I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried to do cursive with pie crust.

• She’s not acting suspicious AT ALL. The forest animals sense danger.

• Magic Wishing Apple. Oh boy. She’s a goner.

• “Maybe the old Queen’s got Snow White.”

• “Don’t let the wish grow cold!”

• Maybe ONE of the dwarfs could check on Snow White while the other six chase down the Queen. Am I wrong?

• Crushed by a boulder. Gnarly way to go.

• Okay someone must have noticed that she wasn’t decomposing and that’s why they didn’t bury her.

• WE know Love’s First Kiss breaks the spell, but no one else does so what business does the Prince have in kissing her? Or even touching her? In the original story, the prince tells his men to carry her coffin back to his castle. The oafs drop it and she coughs up the apple and wakes up. #themoreyouknow

• They’re gonna have a hella big kingdom. That is, if someone didn’t swoop in and overtake hers after the Queen “went missing”.

Final Thoughts

Just what I thought. I like Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. It is a good film. It held my attention. I didn't hate any of the characters. While many of the songs served as padding (as was the case in the 30s) they were all pleasantly earwormy. 

However, the millennial in me is longing for a bit more character stuff and less visual gags. Unfortunately, that's just the way fiction is these days. Everyone is expected to have a tragic back story. (The Queen's vanity comes from her abusive stage mother. Snow White befriends everyone so easily because she is starved for socialization. The huntsman can't kill the princess because he has PTSD from fighting in the Crusades. Grumpy once crafted a beautiful diamond necklace for the Queen, which he did for free because he was so enchanted by her beauty and "wicked wiles" and now he hates women.) You see what I mean? We expect this sort of thing nowadays and it's hard not to get frustrated when everything is kept on the surface level and when there are questions left unanswered.

(By the way, I've never watched Once Upon a Time, so if I inadvertently referenced actual Tragic Back Stories it was purely coincidental.)

So...Snow White. Good movie, underrated Disney princess. I think we're done here.

Favorite Character

Snow White

Favorite Moment -- The Queen's transformation
Favorite Song -- "Someday My Prince Will Come" performed by Adriana Caselotti