Alice in Wonderland (1951)

Directed by Clyde Geronimi, Wilfred Jackson and Hamilton Luske
Written by Milt Banta, Del Connell, William Cottrell, Joe Grant, Winston Hibler, Dick Huemer, Dick Kelsey, Tom Oreb, Bill Peet, Erdman Penner, Joe Rinaldi, Ted Sears, and John Walbridge. Based on Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking-Glass by Lewis Carroll.
Premiered July 26, 1951
75 minutes
Rated G

Synopsis
A proper Victorian English girl named Alice (Kathryn Beaumont) is distracted from her sister's history lesson by a White Rabbit (Bill Thompson) in waistcoat and decides to follow him down a rabbit hole. This leads Alice to a strange world where animals talk and nothing makes sense. While wandering around Alice meets a wide cast of characters including the twins Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum (J. Pat O'Malley), a pompous hookah smoking caterpillar (Richard Haydn), the mischievous Cheshire Cat (Sterling Holloway), and has a tea party with the Mad Hatter (Ed Wynn) and March Hare (Jack Colonna). Finally Alice is introduced to the Queen of Hearts (Verna Felton) who challenges her to a game of croquet.

Before We Begin
Perhaps there is no other Disney Animated Feature that my opinion has waxed and waned the most about. As a very young child, I loved the basic fantasy elements of Alice in Wonderland (as well as Peter Pan and The Wizard of Oz) but as I grew older, the nonsense, the randomness of the story, the lack of character development and the lack of stakes (it was all a dream!) became very unfulfilling, especially when compared to Peter Pan and The Wizard of Oz. From my teens to my mid-twenties I had a lowish opinion of Alice in Wonderland; it was well-executed artistically, the songs were pleasant enough, and there were a few laughable moments, but what was the point of it all?

My opinion is decidedly higher now. Let's see why.

Mötley Müsings

• Alice in Wonderland has more songs in it than any other DAF. #themoreyouknow

• Also, this movie did very poorly at the time of its release but gained popularity in the late 1960s because…you know…LSD.

• Alice’s sister is reading to her about William the Conqueror’s ascension to the throne in 1066 following the Battle of Hastings. :-)

• Kathryn Beaumont is a better Alice than Wendy.

• Oh, Dinah.

• “In my world, you wouldn’t say ‘meow’. You’d say ‘Yes, Miss Alice.’”

• “In a World of My Own” < “Over the Rainbow”

• “It must be something awfully important. Like a party or something.”

• This Doorknob fellow was not in either of the Alice books.

• Myth: Crying solves nothing. Fact: Crying can be a necessary way to process emotions.

• That green parrot looks an awful lot like Jose Carioca. Hmmm…

• Have I mentioned to you how much I love bunnies? I totally don’t blame Alice for running after one.

• “That’s logic.”

• One day, I will watch this after eating a great big pot brownie.

• “THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!”

• “The Walrus and the Carpenter” shows that curiosity can be your death. Which is true. Like if you get curious about what goes down on Venice Beach after dark…

• Mmmmm…vinegar.

• I’ve eaten raw oysters. Probably never will again.

• “That was a very sad story.”
“And there’s a moral to it.”
“Yes, a very good moral, if you happen to be an oyster.”

• Who is Mary? Why is there no live action spinoff about her??????

• “Goodness! I suppose I’ll be taking orders from Dinah next.”

• Stop eating things, Alice!

• “Poor Bill.”

• I love how everything in the White Rabbit’s house has rabbit ears.

• “You mean bread-and-butterflies.”

• “Of course we can talk, my dear.”
“If there’s anyone around worth talking to.”
“Or about!”

• This flower drummer! So heavy metal head banger! This movie is from 1951!!!! Is no one else impressed by this?

• “I think she’s pretty.”
“Quiet, Bud.”

• Caterpillar with human hands and feet. Ew.

• I smoked hookah once. Because I was dumb and in college.

• “Keep your temper.”

• “One pill makes you larger and one pill makes you small…” LOVE that song.

• “But I don’t want to go among mad people.”
“Oh, you can’t help that. Most everyone is mad here.”

• Today is my unbirthday!

• I love all these tea pot visual gags.

• Remember what the Dormouse said.

• What the hell is a dormouse? It’s a type of mouse.

• “Why yes, I’m very fond of tea.”

• “B-b-butter?”

• “Mustard? Don’t let’s be silly! Lemon, that’s different…”

• The true moral of this version of Alice in Wonderland is “be careful what you wish for.”

• “When I get home, I shall write a book about this place.”

• “I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it.”

• Finally, Alice wants to go home. She has a motivation other than finding out what the White Rabbit is late for. Also, we hear about the Queen of Hearts.

• “Not pink.”
“Not green.”
“Not aquamarine.”

• Whoa. These cards. Kinda makes me want to play Solitaire.

• “…and the king.”
“Hooray!”

• “YES! Your majesty.”

• “Curtsy while you’re thinking. It saves time.”

• Why is the Cheshire Cat such a dick?

• “NOTHING WHATEVER!”

• “Twinkle, twinkle. What next?”

• I wonder how many candles that is…

• Don’t eat them both!

• It was all a dream! Which is true in the text, unlike in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy actually goes to Oz.

Final Thoughts

Around age 26 I listened to an audiobook of Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and realized that the book itself is just as nonsensical. There is a lot of wandering around and talking to strange folk with no ultimate end game. Alice has no mission, not even to find her way home unlike Dorothy Gale. There is no real adversary like Captain Hook or threat of adulthood. There is no "journey to finding oneself". And you know what? I don't care. If the story of Lewis Carroll pulling ideas out of his ass to entertain three young sisters on boat ride is true then of course Alice isn't going to be a well-thought out piece of literature with themes and symbols and foreshadowing. I doubt very much Lewis Carroll thought his writings would ever be closely dissected. In my opinion, you have to dig very deep to superimpose a literary theme to this story and where dots can be connected, it's more coincidence than anything. (Alice's changing sizes represent her anxiety about puberty, my ass.)

So while I used to be annoyed at Alice in Wonderland's lack of reason, I now celebrate it. It is a very basic adaptation (of course it cuts and pastes a few things, but oh well.) It's true to the tone without being boring. And I suppose in this post-modern world where everything must have a deeper meaning, it's nice to just let the story be.

Favorite Character

The King of Hearts

Favorite Moment -- Alice with the flowers.
Favorite Song -- "Golden Afternoon"

The Jungle Book (1967)

Directed by Wolfgang Reitherman
Written by Larry Clemmons, Ralph Wright, Ken Anderson, Vance Gerry, Floyd Norman and Bill Peet. Based on The Jungle Book by Rudyard Kipling.
Premiered October 18, 1967
78 minutes
Rated G

Synopsis
Ten years after a baby human boy is adopted by a she-wolf in the Indian jungle, the wolf pack is dismayed by the return of the vicious tiger Shere Khan (George Sanders) who hates all human. They decide the "man cub", Mowgli (Bruce Reitherman), must return to the "man village" for his own safety (and their's as well). Mowgli is tricked into going on the journey with the pragmatic panther Bagheera (Sebastian Cabot), but he would rather stay in the jungle, insisting he is savvy enough to do so. On his own, Mowgli bonds with a care-free bear named Baloo (Phil Harris), evades the hypnotic python Kaa (Sterling Holloway) and is kidnapped by the orangutan King Louie (Louis Prima) who is interested in learning Mowgli's knowledge of fire. 

Before We Begin
This was the last DAF ever touched by Walt Disney himself before he died in 1966,  nearly a year before the theatrical release. But he had his hands in the production and saw a lot of it. And it did really well at the box office. Like really, really well. Like the highest grossing movie of 1967 well, which means it made more money than The Graduate and Bonnie & Clyde. Yup.

As for me, I was given a VHS of The Jungle Book soon after its 1991 release. You might recall from my Fantasia review that I did not play favorites with my Disney videos; I watched them equally. Even though there were only three female characters (a wolf, an elephant, and a singing girl), let alone no princesses, I rather enjoyed The Jungle Book and to this day, I rank it surprisingly high.

Mötley Müsings

• Just putting this out there: The Jungle Book is a really shitty title for a movie. And kind of a shitty title for a book too.

• Mowgli, yet another Disney orphan. Parents died in a canoe accident? And like Tarzan’s parents, I wonder why the beast who ate the parents didn’t eat the most helpless thing!

• I think there are actual cases where she-wolfs have raised humans.

• “I knew there’d be no problem with the mother, thanks to maternal instinct.” BOO!

• Tarzan vibes.

• So, Mowgli is ten years old.

• Sher Khan killed his parents, right? Right? Like who else? (I bet he did in the 2016 live action remake. Still haven't seen it.) Note: I started watching the live action version on Netflix and that's totally what happened.

• I just realized that Mowgli doesn’t give a shit about leaving his wolf parents. What a dick!

• I haven’t watched this in so long!

• Bagheera is my favorite.

• “Oh, my ssssssinussssss.”

• That baby elephant has a Beatles haircut.

• “I’m putting in for a transfer to another herd.”

• This British colonel schtick is great.

• “Here it comes. The Victoria Cross bit again.”

• Real elephants apparently have great memories.

• Yeah…Mowgli’s a little shit.

• Bagheera and Tigger have similar designs. Bummer.

• Here comes Baloo.

• Well, I’ll give you this, Mowgli isn’t a coward.

• “Oh no! It’s Baloo. That shifty, stupid jungle bum.”

• “Right on the button!”

• “The Bare Necessities” is the best song in the movie, but not my favorite. Also, it was nominated for Best Original Song but lost to one the worst winners ever from Doctor Doolittle.

• The monkeys kidnap Mowgli and take him to King Louie who wants to learn how to act human and “make fire”. K.

• I am entertained.

• “While you create a disturbance, I’ll rescue Mowgli.” And that’s exactly what happens.

• I like Baloo and Bagheera doing this “two gay dads” thing.

• “Well you don’t exactly look like a basket of fruit yourself.”

• Moral of the story: Parenting is hard.

• Again, I’m bugged that Mowgli doesn’t want to go back to his wolf parents. This would work much better if he was just sort of feral…raised by ALL the jungle but no one in particular.

• I love how Bagheera is both feline and masculine.

• You’ve been calling him a bear, of course he has an identity crisis.

• Sher Khan ain’t no Tigger.

• Hey look, it’s Bambi’s mom.

• George Sanders…such a villainy voice.

• The characters are so delightfully British (except Baloo who is an ugly American for sure).

• Kaa is a tricky dick.

• This film was released in 1967 and yet no sitars!

• Sher Khan is a sophisticated bully.

• These vultures were supposed to be voiced by the Beatles, which would have been AMAZING. But they had better things to do. Like writing Sgt. Pepper and being bigger than Jesus.

• “LET’S DO SOMETHING!”

• Holy Bass!

• Mowgli is super brave and super stupid.

• “Now I’m going to close my eyes and count to ten. It makes the chase more interesting. For me.”

• Baloo to the rescue.

• Fire via the Hand of God deus ex machina lightning.

• And then what happens? Does he burn to death or what?

• What a lovely eulogy.

• Since Mowgli kicked Sher Khan’s ass—his biggest adversary—he should be able to stay in the jungle now. I mean, if the biggest issue was Sher Khan and Sher Khan is gone now...am I wrong?

• I. Love. This. Song.

• I thought only married Indian women wore the red dot.

• “She did that on purpose.”
“Obviously.”

• Her “come hither” glance is not age appropriate.

• And Mowgli just entered puberty.

Final Thoughts

Okey dokey. What brilliant thoughts and analysis do I have to share on The Jungle Book?

None. Sorry about that.

All I can say is it's a movie I enjoy. Yes, the main character is a bit of an annoying little shit, but thanks to nostalgia, I hardly notice. Bagheera rocks. "My Own Home" is hauntingly beautiful.

Peace.

Favorite Character

Bagheera

Favorite Moment -- The end
Favorite Song -- "My Own Home" performed by Darleen Carr

The Black Cauldron (1985)

Directed by Ted Berman and Richard Rich
Written by  Ted Berman, Vance Gerry, Joe Hale, David Jonas, Roy Morita, Richard Rich, Art Steven, Al Wilson and Peter Young. Based on The Book of Three and The Black Cauldron by Lloyd Alexander.
Premiered July 24, 1985
80 minutes
Rated PG

Synopsis
In the ancient land of Prydain, a young farm boy named Taran (Grant Bardsley) dreams of being a courageous warrior instead of the lowly assistant pig-keeper of Hen Wen, who is the pet of master Dallben (Freddie Jones). However, Hen Wen is no ordinary pig and she is captured by the minions of the evil Horned King (John Hurt) who wishes to use the pig's clairvoyant powers to locate the Black Cauldron, an object capable of creating a deathless army. Taran sets out to recapture Hen Wen and meets annoying, cowardly, gluttonous Gurgi (John Byner), brave Princess Eilonwy (Susan Sheridan), and bumbling minstrel Fflewddur Fflam (Nigel Hawthorne) who aid him on his mission to find the Black Cauldron before the Horned King uses it to rule Prydain.

Before We Begin
It's quite likely that you've never heard of The Black Cauldron. The story of its troubled production and box office failure is one of legend. More detailed accounts can be found elsewhere on the internet and in the 2009 documentary Waking Sleeping Beauty, which I highly recommend.

But if you ain't got time for that, here's the quick and dirty version: In the 80s, Disney's animation department was having an identity crisis. Instead of adapting a fairy tale (which they hadn't done since 1959) or doing another talking animal movie (which they had been doing since 1967) they decided to go darker and make a Sword & Sorcery animated feature out of The Chronicles of Prydain series, (which they happened to own the rights to) to appeal to the preteen boy movie goer. It did not go well. The film lost money mostly due to its violence induced PG rating and was quickly swept under the rug, only to be quietly released on VHS in 1998.

I don't remember that video release. Do you? It wasn't until my independent study Disney course that I even realized The Black Cauldron existed. I was fascinated by its production especially since I loved another 1985 dark fantasy Disney box office bomb: Return to Oz. That movie is sadly underrated, but The Black Cauldron? Um....

You know we are in the Fondness portion of this journey through the canon so you know my feelings are mostly positive. But why?

Mötley Müsings

• Fun fact: I attempted to read The Book of Three after college. Attempted.

• Whoa, this VHS is not in good shape. Given that this is one of the widescreeniest of the widescreen DAFs, it should probably be viewed in its proper format in HD. Oh well.

• Let me just mention that I totally dig the early 80s Sword & Sorcery aesthetic which is what this movie is.

• Mythic prologue recitation by Hollywood legend John Huston.

• A cat with eyebrows! So fat!

• The Black Cauldron is a prime example of the classic “Hero’s Journey”. It's friggin' textbook.

• “But I was going into Tosche Station to pick up some power converters!”

• Look, if Lord of the Rings went back in time and knocked the boots with Star Wars, The Black Cauldron would their love child.

• Taran is not terribly likable. Rather bland and whiny. And not as sympathetic as Luke Skywalker. Or Frodo. Or Harry Potter.

• Hen Wen is cool though, especially for a character who doesn’t talk. And she’s a girl.

• The Horned King is grotesque in appearance but generically evil. All powerful, yadda, yadda, yadda…What’s his deal? We never find out. And it doesn’t really matter in the context of this film.

• Oh no. It’s Gurgi, the most grating part of this movie. Stupid, useless, cowardly “comic relief” character who brings nothing but frustration to the table. Until later.

• NAZGUL!

• Blood! Blood in a Disney Animated Feature!

• Taran, you done fucked up.

• Big breasted gypsy dancers. That’s one way to go about getting the teen boys into the theater.

• So violent with Hen Wen! BLOODY CHOPPING BLOCK!!!

• Admittedly, I’d like to watch Lord of the Rings now.

• Princess Eilonwy! And her computer animated bauble! I love her dress and hair.

• How are we supposed to like Taran when he is a grave robber?

• Flewddur Fflam…he talks too much. 

• I say, the constant violence keep this thing alive.

• Magic glowing phallic symbol.

• Horned King Force choking his minion. I don’t know if George Lucas was ripping off Lloyd Alexander or if Disney was ripping off George Lucas.

• “You? I’d say it was the sword’s magic.”

• Childish fight reminds me of Ron and Hermione. Taran is wrong, but Eilonwy overreacts.

• But they make up. Sha na na na.

• Gurgi. Has. Come. Back.

• Plot update: So our group gets sucked into a whirlpool which takes them down to Fairyville where Hen Wen is chilling out. The fairy king reveals the Black Cauldron is hidden in Morva. So they go to Morva to destroy the Black Cauldron before the Horned King gets to it. And just how are they going to do that?

• Three witches, one of whom is very big buxom and fond of Fflewddur Fflam. “You don’t mind if I pluck your harm, do you, handsome?” 

• This is very rapey.

• Taran trades the sword for the Cauldron. But it cannot be destroyed. However, to stop its power, a living being must willingly climb inside. But they will never come out alive. DUN DUN DUN!

• Budding romance…kinda?

• NAZGUL!

• Everyone is captured, except Gurgi who runs away. The Horned King has the Cauldron. Wickedness ensues. Blood. Skeletons. 

• Gurgi frees everyone and Taran decides to sacrifice himself because he’s a moody teen, but Gurgi jumps in instead. I’m okay with that.

• The Horned King gets sucked in. Flesh first, then bones. It's pretty gross.

• “Hero? Gurgi was the hero.” Sigh…it sure looks that way, doesn’t?

• “Oh, I adore forceful men.” Eep.

• The witches want the Cauldron back, so they give them Gurgi back in return. 

• And then he makes Taran and Eilonwy kiss. Eh? 

Final Thoughts

If you consult the history books, they will tell you The Black Cauldron was a box office failure because of its violence and dark tone, that teenagers were never going to be interested in Disney Animated Features no matter how much blood and tits you threw at them. That very well may have been true in 1985. But 32 years later, The Black Cauldron has still failed to become appreciated for "daring to be different" or being "ahead of its time".

It's not the story. You could call it "predictable" but I would call it "tried and true". It's the Hero's Journey. It will never, ever get old. No, it's what was done with the characters--the hero, the sage, the maiden, the villain, etc. Nearly all of them either fail to leave an impression or annoy the ever loving shit out of you. During production, I think the creators were far more focused on developing a gruesome high fantasy environment, fiddling about with Eilonwy's CGI bauble, and making sure they weren't being too twee. (They failed with the fairies, btw.)

Now, how much Lloyd Alexander is to blame for the characterization, I don't know. (That's probably why I tried to read the book in the first place.) So maybe Disney was working with already weak characters. Or maybe they weren't. I couldn't tell you.

But for a hero, Taran isn't very heroic. He wants to be a hero, talks about being a hero, but basically bumbles about making a real ass of himself in the process. He does not prove or redeem himself. The glory falls on Gurgi, whom everyone universally loathes, so the victory feels very hollow. We're happy to see him go and don't want him to come back. Fflewdurr is...eh, as is Dallben. The Horned King is EVILLLLLLL, but so what? So fucking what?

And then there's Eilonwy. She used to be my favorite character in this movie, but this viewing...something was off. She shines sometimes. She speaks her mind, acts bravely--which was pretty progressive for a Disney princess given that her predecessors were Snow White, Cinderella, and Aurora--and she's realistic. She isn't perfectly poised all the time. She, like many a preteen girl, is emotional. And that's fine. Oh, but she likes Taran, which, unfortunately, is perfectly believable given that preteen girls seem to have a predilection for liking boys who are unworthy of them. But I don't have to like it.

Everything I've said about The Black Cauldron can pretty much also be applied to the previously reviewed also action driven, also PG rated Atlantis: The Lost Empire. Too much world-building, not enough character development. And these movies suffered similar fates at the box office. To this day, both of them (and another we have yet to get to) are viewed as mutant children, sentenced to be locked away in the moldy rat infested corner of the Disney Vault.

My comments have not been positive and yet The Black Cauldron is in my Fondness category. A lot of it is sheer pity, to be honest. I don't blame the Disney animators for wanting to do something different. The Fox and the Hound was artistically unsatisfying (more on that later) and things were pretty bleak, so why not go balls to the wall in another direction? Also, I don't like everyone shitting on The Black Cauldron. I feel oddly protective for some reason. It's not that bad, people. It's just weak.

Fine, The Black Cauldron is not a "good movie". But I am fond of it.

Favorite Character

Hen Wen

Favorite Moment -- Hen Wen being a pig.
Favorite Song -- N/A

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937)

Directed by David Hand, William Cottrell, Wilfred Jackson, Larry Morey, Perce Pearce, and Ben Sharpsteen
Written by  Ted Sears, Richard Creedon, Otto Englander, Dick Rickard, Earl Hurd, Merrill De Maris, Dorothy Ann Blank, and Webb Smith. Based on the fairy tale by the Brothers Grimm.
Premiered December 21, 1937
83 minutes
Rated G

Synopsis
In a bucolic European kingdom, a vain Queen (Lucille La Verne) daily consults her Magic Mirror (Moroni Olsen) to learn who the "fairest one of all" is. When the mirror names the Queen's beautiful stepdaughter Snow White (Adriana Caselotti) as the fairest, she sends her loyal huntsman (Stuart Buchanan) to do away with her. However, the huntsman cannot bring himself to do the deed and sends Snow White running for her life. Deep in the forest, Snow White stumbles upon the cottage of seven little men--Doc (Roy Atwell), Happy (Otis Harlan), Sneezy (Billy Gilbert), Sleepy (Pinto Colvig), Bashful (Scotty Mattraw), Grumpy (Pinto Colvig), and Dopey--who work as diamond miners. She offers her services as housekeeper and cook until her Prince (Harry Stockwell) somehow manages to find her. However, once the Queen learns of Snow White's whereabouts, she sets in a motion a plan to take down the princess herself.

Before We Begin
I've always held the belief that just because something is the first, doesn't mean it's the best. Cars, anyone? Computers? Is the first of anything ever the best? Many people, such as the hacks at the American Film Institute, would have you believe Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs is the best Disney Animated Feature and the best animated feature of all time.

No. Just no. Tis only the first. It is a technical achievement and the beginning to one of the most successful film franchises of all time. (Yes, if you ask me, Disney Animated Features is a franchise.) And that fact should not be overlooked. If Snow White had been mediocre and failed to turn a profit or leave an impression, then we wouldn't have Pinocchio, Bambi, Cinderella, The Little Mermaid, right on up to Moana. And then there are the hundreds of other non-Disney full length animated features as well. No Pixar. No DreamWorks. No Don Bluth. No Hayao Miyazaki. And also no TV animation! No Simpsons! Not a world I want to live in.

But I am not really concerned with historical context here. I want to look at Snow White like I've been looking at all the others--what do I think about it? What are my opinions, thoughts, and feelings? I first saw Snow White after its first home video release in 1994. I was six. I didn't care about context then, but I did compare it to the other princess movies.

To be fair, even if I was "on the fence" about Snow White (which I'm not obviously), I would probably be a little kinder to it given that there was no precedent. But that's not necessary.

Mötley Müsings

• Look, when Disney Princesses became a “thing” in the late 2000s, Snow White was generally the least popular because…she wasn’t blonde like Cinderella or Aurora? I’m not sure, because they’re all kinda bland compared to the 80s/90s princesses and beyond. I feel sort of protective over Snow White. She can’t help that she’s a product of her time, so I am here to make a case for her.

• This VHS is over 20 years old. This VHS can legally vote. And drink.

• The book! Bring back the book!

• DAMN. 1930s makeup. Check out those skinny brows and the deep set eyeshadow.

• So, like no one else in the kingdom is concerned with Snow White working as a drudge?

• Speaking of the 1930s…chin length hair. The only princess with short hair and it’s bound to remain that way. (Rapunzel's Dido hair is not her fault.)

• People hate Snow White’s voice but I’m not one of them.

• Oh. The Prince knows her song.

• Yes, do run away. He’s a stranger. A serenading stranger. You have no idea what his intentions are.

• By the way, Snow White is supposed to be fourteen or so. According to Disney. And this prince is at least seventeen. Also, his name is Ferdinand. #themoreyouknow

• Why does Snow White get to change out of her rags to go flower picking? And isn’t she concerned that she is allowed to do something so frivolous? But she’s so sweet and trusting. She probably thought her stepmother had come around because she sees the good in everyone.

• The huntsman’s name is Humbert. #themoreyouknow

• And she’s so kind to little baby birds.

• This forest sequence is scary as fuck.

• How can you blame her!!!!

• BUNNIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

• Positive outlook, all things considered. At least she’s not wallowing. Good for Snow White. We could all learn a thing or two from her.

• “Oh, it’s adorable. Just like a doll’s house!”

• True story: I went to Disneyland and met Snow White. She told me I had “perfect princess hands”.

• Breaking and entering.

• “A pick axe? A stocking too!”

• “We’ll clean the house and surprise them. Then maybe they’ll let me stay.” Now, Snow White gets a lot of flack for cleaning the dwarfs’ house. But 1) Women of this era (meaning pre-WWII) had very few career choices and one of the most frequent while still being respectable was domestic work. 2) Snow White has done this kind of work for most of her life (as far as I can tell) so it seems natural she would use her specific set of skills to secure a roof over her head. Stop the judgement, everyone.

• Dwarfs or dwarves? Apparently “dwarfs” is correct. J.R.R. Tolkein popularized “dwarves”. #themoreyouknow

• We spend a lot of time with them, but to be fair, they’re in the title unlike some certain rodents I might mention in Cinderella. Ahem.

• “What funny names for children!” And Snow White is perfectly sensible.

• Can you blame her for sleeping after all that cleaning?

• So…are the dwarfs brothers or what? What’s their deal?

• “My cup’s been washed. Sugar’s gone.”

• I have a sudden urge to mop my floor…

• Now that I think of it, that’s a huge cottage. It has two floors!

• To be fair, I’d be pissed if I found some stranger sleeping in my bed after I got home from work.

• “Angel, huh. She’s a female. And all female’s is poison. They’re full of wicked wiles.” Grumpy…what’s your story?

• Bashful is probably the only animated male with visible eyelashes.

• The dwarfs have heard of Princess Snow White.

• Although Grumpy is kind of a misogynist prick, he correctly identifies the Queen as a witch. Is this a lucky guess or does he really know something? Do I detect a possible origin story? A live action spinoff? (Oh God, shut up! Shut up! Disney is rebooting everything! But never mind, a Snow White spinoff is coming already. It’s about her sister “Red Rose”. Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.)

• Lessons learned from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs: Without a woman’s care, men practice poor hygiene, keep messy houses, and can’t cook for themselves.

• Forcing someone to bathe is…torture? This gang-wash is a little disturbing.

• “Supper! Food! Hooray!”

• The Queen’s name is Grimhilde. #themoreyouknow

• And she’s just found out that she has the heart of a pig instead of Snow White’s.

• If you want something done right, you’ve got to do it yourself.

• I am surprised a woman this vain actually changes her appearance so drastically. But there were no prosthetics or makeup then, so magic was the next best thing. And damn, is it a drastic change. But what if the spell doesn’t wear off? Eep.

• All right…Snow White has said nothing about that rando prince who sang to her earlier in the week. And now she’s in love. But that’s fourteen year old girls for you. It was a meet-cute, I’ll give you that, but we didn’t see anything else significant.

• “And please make Grumpy like me.” Because working for someone who hates you sux.

• Maybe you should have checked if there was an antidote before you made the poison apple. “Love’s First Kiss? No fear of that. The dwarfs will think she’s dead. She’ll be buried alive!” You would think…

• The Queen is very hands on in this, rowing a boat, walking through the forest. She learned her lesson with the huntsman.

• They all warn her to look out for the Queen, but her kind heart gets the best of her. (Plus, I think she would never suspect the Queen to mar her good looks for any reason.)

• “Why Grumpy, you do care.” Kisses are powerful.

• My pies never look that good. And I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried to do cursive with pie crust.

• She’s not acting suspicious AT ALL. The forest animals sense danger.

• Magic Wishing Apple. Oh boy. She’s a goner.

• “Maybe the old Queen’s got Snow White.”

• “Don’t let the wish grow cold!”

• Maybe ONE of the dwarfs could check on Snow White while the other six chase down the Queen. Am I wrong?

• Crushed by a boulder. Gnarly way to go.

• Okay someone must have noticed that she wasn’t decomposing and that’s why they didn’t bury her.

• WE know Love’s First Kiss breaks the spell, but no one else does so what business does the Prince have in kissing her? Or even touching her? In the original story, the prince tells his men to carry her coffin back to his castle. The oafs drop it and she coughs up the apple and wakes up. #themoreyouknow

• They’re gonna have a hella big kingdom. That is, if someone didn’t swoop in and overtake hers after the Queen “went missing”.

Final Thoughts

Just what I thought. I like Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. It is a good film. It held my attention. I didn't hate any of the characters. While many of the songs served as padding (as was the case in the 30s) they were all pleasantly earwormy. 

However, the millennial in me is longing for a bit more character stuff and less visual gags. Unfortunately, that's just the way fiction is these days. Everyone is expected to have a tragic back story. (The Queen's vanity comes from her abusive stage mother. Snow White befriends everyone so easily because she is starved for socialization. The huntsman can't kill the princess because he has PTSD from fighting in the Crusades. Grumpy once crafted a beautiful diamond necklace for the Queen, which he did for free because he was so enchanted by her beauty and "wicked wiles" and now he hates women.) You see what I mean? We expect this sort of thing nowadays and it's hard not to get frustrated when everything is kept on the surface level and when there are questions left unanswered.

(By the way, I've never watched Once Upon a Time, so if I inadvertently referenced actual Tragic Back Stories it was purely coincidental.)

So...Snow White. Good movie, underrated Disney princess. I think we're done here.

Favorite Character

Snow White

Favorite Moment -- The Queen's transformation
Favorite Song -- "Someday My Prince Will Come" performed by Adriana Caselotti

Leveling Up Once More

WHEW! That just kept on going, didn't it?

Well, I have good news. We are finally off that damn fence. Here are the rankings:

On the Fence
The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh (1977)

Robin Hood (1973)

Frozen (2013)

Big Hero 6 (2014)

Winnie the Pooh (2011)

The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad (1949)

One Hundred and One Dalmatians (1961)

Tarzan (1999)

The Sword in the Stone (1963)

Peter Pan (1953) was demoted to Something Amiss, while The Rescuers, Zootopia, The Princess and the Frog, The Rescuers Down Under and The Aristocats were promoted to Fondness.

From here on out, I am confident in my fondness of the upcoming films. If someone were to ask me "Do you like ______?" I would say "Yes." However, Fondness isn't love. These are the movies I like, but for one reason or another, I am not in love with. Why? We shall see.

A bit of housekeeping: Firstly, I have "reviewed" 28 of the 56 Disney Animated Features, or exactly half! Woo-hoo! Secondly, but far more importantly, I am getting married in about a month which means I will be focusing on my upcoming nuptials rather than this blog.  

Fear not....The Disney Doxy will return with....

Frozen (2013)

Directed by Chris Buck and Jennifer Lee
Written by Jennifer Lee. Based on The Snow Queen by Hans Christian Andersen.
Premiered November 19, 2013
102 minutes
Rated PG

Synopsis
Once upon a time in the Scandinavian kingdom of Arendelle, there was a princess named Elsa (Idina Menzel) who was born with magical powers--specifically the ability to make and manipulate snow and ice. She used these powers to entertain and bond with her younger sister Anna (Kristen Bell), until an accident freaked out her parents enough to demand Elsa conceal her powers from everyone, including Anna. The children are eventually orphaned (because Disney) and Elsa deals with this by isolating herself. On the day Elsa is to be crowned queen, starved-for-affection-and-companionship Anna meets, falls instantly in love with and becomes engaged to Prince Hans (Santino Fontana). Elsa's disapproval of the events leads to her ice powers being revealed. Rather than be persecuted, Elsa abandons Arendelle for a life of solitude in an ice palace. Anna, with the aid of a rustic ice-cutted named Kristoff (Jonathan Goff) and a naïve talking snow man named Olaf (Josh Gad), sets out to return her sister to the throne and lift the eternal winter she has left plaguing Arendelle.

Before We Begin
Gather round, children, and let me tell you a story...

Once upon a time, there was a Danish writer named Hans Christian Andersen. He wrote fairy tales. Some of his best known works include "The Little Mermaid", "Thumbelina", and "The Princess and the Pea". He also wrote a story called "The Snow Queen". It was about a nice little boy named Kay who turned wicked when a shard from an evil mirror got stuck in his eye. After he is taken by a mysterious and powerful woman—the titular Snow Queen—his best friend Gerda sets out to find him. This story—one of Andersen's longest and most imaginative—was adapted to screens both silver and small several times. In 2002, the Hallmark channel adapted the story into a three hour TV movie which Kay Kai and Gerda were turned to star-crossed teenage lovers and the Snow Queen was a power hungry seductress played by Bridget Fonda. A young Disney Doxy watched this TV movie when she was an impressionable and hormonal fourteen. It struck a chord with her.

In the early 2000s, as you may recall, Disney Animation was having a bit of an identity crisis. They were making action-packed adventures aimed for tween boys. They were struggling financially. When the Disney Doxy searched the corners of the internet for all she could find on Andersen's "The Snow Queen", she discovered this...

Concept art. For a Disney animated musical adaptation of "The Snow Queen". The Disney Doxy was thrilled. It was an amazing story. One of friendship, love, sacrifice and most impressively, a fairy tale in which the girl saves the boy. But 2D animation was eventually sent to the guillotine in favor of Dreamworks/Pixar copycats. All traditionally animation projects were canned. Indefinitely.

Enter John Lasseter and his creative overhaul. The Princess and the Frog came to be. Then Rapunzel Tangled. Suddenly, fairy tales were back. They were making money, picking up Oscar nominations. A second Disney Renaissance? Maybe. And the next fairy tale to be adapted? Hans Christian Andersen's "The Snow Queen".

I carefully avoided all promotional material. When commercials came on, I looked the other way and hit mute. Still, I saw a talking snowman and heard the “Gerda” character (who had been renamed "Anna" because "Gerda" is a fat chick's name) was the Snow Queen's sister. Okay. Beauty and the Beast and Rapunzel Tangled had major changes to their fairy tales and that turned out okay. Fine. FINE. Stay positive.

Folks, the only thing Frozen has in common with "The Snow Queen" is a woman with wintery powers, someone gets their heart frozen and its vaguely set in in Scandinavia. There's also a reindeer.

Sigh.

I have issues with Frozen. Lots and lots of issues. And here is my platform to complain about Every. Single. ONE.

Mötley Müsings
• It's been at least 2 years since I've watched Frozen and I believe I've only seen it twice. Yeesh. My opinions could have changed. Let's be positive.

• Oh right. This is rated PG. For no fucking reason.

• I also am going to be drinking some pinot grigio during this. You've been warned.

• Is this what "ethnic music" in Scandinavia sounds like? It's a little too...Polynesian sounding?

• I think I neglected to mention that I saw this in theaters. With a bunch of fucking talking children with no respect for cinema. Which is why I'll probably never see a kids movie in a movie theater ever again.

• Ice diggers sing about the power of ice. Days before refrigerators.

• Young Kristoff and Sven. Okay.

• Look...I don't have a sister...so...

• ALL RIGHT. GRIEVANCE NUMBER ONE. WHY DOES ELSA HAVE THESE POWERS? Where did she get them? Why does no one else in her family possess them? Why am I the only one who asks this question?

• How is it when she called "Mama! Papa!" that no servants came first! They live in palace! AND WHY ARE THE PARENTS NOT IN THEIR FUCKING PAJAMAS!?

• The princess has ice powers, let's consult the rock trolls.

• Why bother reducing the staff? THEY SEE NOTHING AS IT IS!

• "Do You Wanna Build a Snowman?" is a fine Disney tune.

• "Hang in there, Joan."

• “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

• Dead parents. And so no on rules the kingdom for three years? The plot holes in this are killing me.

• Wow, even my hair doesn't look that bad in the morning. But she fixed up nicely. But that dress shows too much skin for daytime.

• "Why have a ballroom with no balls?"

• Also like "For the First Time in Forever".

• "Wait...what?" Oh, 2010s.

• You know...I was totally fooled by Hans. I'm going to keep my eye on him.

• Like I said before, I don't have a sister so I can't begin to understand what it would feel like to be emotionally cut off from one.

• "Chocolate!" Cause girls like chocolate.

• "Love is an Open Door"...also a fine tune.

• To be fair, Anna and Hans do spend far more time talking than Snow White and Ferdinand, and Cinderella and Prince Charming, and Aurora and Phillip. And technically Ariel and Eric...seeing as how she can't speak at all.

• What do EITHER of you know about true love? And "true love" is a romantic concept. Familial love--which this movie is about--is a whole other ball of wax.

• "SORCERY."

• And no one's like "HEY ANNA, DO YOU HAVE POWERS, TOO?"

• All right, I guess the faux-villain asks. But...no one's asking HOW she has these powers? Why HER?

• Thirty minutes in. Anna sets off on a journey.

• Here comes the show stopper.

• The cold bothers ME.

• You know...CGI fabric never looks right.

• Side braid. #2010s Thank you, Elsa. Thank you, Katniss.

• So, Elsa abdicated. That makes Anna queen and she can now marry Hans.

• Anna, maybe you should have changed your clothes before you left on a journey through eternal winter. Just sayin'.

• Well, naturally the boots and dress fit her!

• I like Kristoff.

• "Reindeers are better than people..."

• For the third Disney fairy tale in a row, the heroine goes on a mission with the aid of the hero. THAT is getting a bit repetitive.

• "Didn't your parents ever warn you about strangers?"

• "What's his last name? What's his favorite food? Best friend's name? Eye color? Foot size?" Yep. I like Kristoff.

• Olaf. I like Olaf, too. Even though he's the dumb comic relief character. They've come a long ways since Gurgi.

• "I like warm hugs."

• "And who's the funky looking donkey over there?"
"That's Sven."
"Uh-huh. And who's the reindeer?"

• "Yeah. Why?"

• "I'm gonna tell him."

• So.....like what does Elsa do now that her palace is built?

• The "For the First Time in Forever Reprise" is...supposed to be dramatic and give you feels but it's just overblown. FEEL SOMETHING. THIS IS DRAMATIC. TALK-SINGING. (If you ask me, the only time talk-singing has ever worked was in Les Miserables.)

• Seriously, drink every time someone says "Wait...what?" in this movie.

• "Does it look bad?"
"No."
"You hesitated."

• So, the trolls adopted him, um, because Disney kids can't have parents.

• "Because I love you Anna, I insist you run."

• WHY IS IT THE TROLLS KNOW ABOUT MAGIC AND LOVE?

• WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?

• "Only an act of true love..."

• Look at Hans, trying to do some stuff.

• And, you know, I've never gotten a lesbian vibe from Elsa, but I have horrible gay-dar.

• Well, if you can't lift the winter, they're going to want to keep you prisoner as punishment. Duh.

• Of all the villain reveals in recent DAFs, this one is the best. I did not see it coming and I totally should have since they played with this "love at first sight" nonsense in 2007's Enchanted.

• Hans, you really should have waited until she was actually dead, man.

• Technically, Anna and Kristoff have known each other only a little while longer than she and Hans. IF HE HAD BEEN HER CHILDHOOD FRIEND, THOUGH, MAYBE YOU COULD HAVE RIDDEN THAT HIGH HORSE, DISNEY.

• "Love is putting someone else's needs before yours; like, you know, how Kristoff brought you back here to Hans and left you forever."

• Anna, haven't you learned anything!? But I understand your confusion because, like I said earlier, the phrase "true love" has only ever been linked to romantic love.

• Can you actually ride a reindeer like a horse?

• Okay, how did they all get out on the frozen lake? What did I miss?

• I cried in the theater. And then some dumb kids started asking their dumb mommy about what happened. Fuck children.

• Ugh, this chanting really bugs me.

• A piss bucket on the head is a good punishment for Hans. But not good enough.

• I like Anna's last dress.

• NO. NO ONE WANTS TO ICE SKATE IN SUMMER. No one but Olympic hopefuls.

• But seriously, they would burn Elsa at the stake.

• And this was rated PG WHY?

Final Thoughts

I already talked about how Frozen is not an adaptation of "The Snow Queen", so there's no need to go into that again, although I will reiterate my severe disappointment in all the wasted potential. I have to look at Frozen simply as a Disney Animated Feature.

They threw a bunch of stuff that worked in previous films at the wall and used what stuck. I am reminded of Disney's previous sloppy offerings The Sword in the Stone and Robin Hood where they (they being the writers and producers) played it safe, hitting certain beats but never delving too deep. However, Frozen wants to say Something. All that stuff about Elsa hiding her true self to fit in, but relishing once she declares her independence, yadda, yadda, yadda...

Cool. Not every DAF needs to be a bucket of yuks.

But Frozen is so damn unfocused. It gets from point A to B to C, but it drags its feet. It seems to not have any idea where it's going, like the writers were playing a game of "what if?" and "now what?" and then saying, "Yeah! That works!" It feels like a first draft, which is a real laugh considering how long this thing spent in development hell.

There is so much going on--Elsa's powers, Elsa's feelings, Anna's feelings, Elsa and Anna's relationship, the coronation, the weasel guy and his trade stuff, Prince Hans, Kristoff, the trolls. Too much stuff and not enough time. It makes my head spin.

All right, characters. I find Elsa boring. Yup. And Anna is just doing Zooey Deschanel's "adorkable" shtick. Kristoff, Sven, and Olaf are all entertaining. Hans is the most interesting to watch once you know the twist. The songs are mostly good. Looks good and all. Mmmm-hmmmm.

But apparently, I'm wrong about Frozen, because the populace loved it, ate it up, and begged for seconds. Seconds are on their way, which I'm not happy about. (Sequels have no place in the Disney canon, if you ask me. It's lazy.) But maybe they will clear up the ridiculous number of unanswered questions and plot holes. What a drag.

Look, guys, Frozen is way overrated. Time will show that. Remember when people were going fucking crazy over Shrek? (I was one of those people :-|) And now everyone agrees it's just not that good? Same thing will happen here. Mark my words. Not a film that deserves to be destroyed or forgotten or anything, just one that everyone needs to calm the fuck down about.

Favorite Character

Kristoff

Favorite Moment -- Kristoff and Anna's first conversation.
Favorite Song -- "Let it Go" performed by Idina Menzel. Duh.

The Aristocats (1970)

Directed by Wolfgang Reitherman
Written by Ken Anderson, Larry Clemmon, Eric Cleworth, Vance Garry, Julius Svendsen, Frank Thomas and Ralph Wright. Based on The Aristocats by Tom McGowan and Tom Rowe.
Premiered December 11, 1970
78 minutes
Rated G

Synopsis
In Paris, France in 1910, rich widow Madam Adelaide Bonfamille (Hermione Baddeley) loves her cat Duchess (Eva Gabor) and her three kittens, artistic Toulouse (Gary Dubin), musical Berlioz (Dean Clark), and prissy Marie (Liz English) so much that she decides to leave all her worldly possessions and wealth to them after her passing. This does not go over well with her put upon butler Edgar (Roddy Maude-Roxby), so he decides to kidnap the feline family, dump them out in the country and make himself heir apparent. On the outskirts of Paris, Duchess and her kittens are fortunate enough to meet Thomas O'Malley (Phil Harris), a smooth-talking alley cat who offers to help return them to their beloved owner.

Before We Begin
I have always been a cat person. This is partially because my mom absolutely refused to allow my dad and I to get a dog because she was certain that she would have to be the one to take care of it. Which is definitely how it would have gone, by the way. But I, like most children, wanted a pet and a cat seemed like a good compromise given that once you show them the litter box, cats pretty much take care of themselves. So when I was six, I got my first cat, Tuffy. Then came Simba (Disney fan!), Susie Q., and Louis who I had for about fifteen years. Currently, I have Milly a.k.a. Millicent Andromache Moneypenny [MY LAST NAME]-[MY FIANCE'S LAST NAME] and I love, love, LOVE her! #fuzzyface

If I did not like cats, The Aristocats would surely rank lower. After all, it's a feline rehashing of One Hundred and One Dalmatians with a little bit of Lady and the Tramp thrown in--or vice-versa. It was released in 1970, remember, and was the last movie approved by Walt Disney before his death so it's a bit of a mess, but certainly not to the degree of Robin Hood. There was a lot of floundering going on. It shows.

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•  Okay...I normally don't comment on the VHS previews but remember CD-ROMs!? And Sega?

•  This French guy singing the opening number was in 1958's Best Picture winner Gigi.

•  Oh look, animation we'll see later on is used in the opening, just like in Robin Hood. The laziness has started already.

•  Why Paris 1910? I get why Paris, because London in Dalmatians. But this movie—given its ridiculous premise—could take place any time, any where.

•  Frou Frou! Disney horses are always awesome.

•  They do a great job of setting up Edgar as trustworthy.

•  “Could we take the elevator this time, sir?”
“Elevators are for old people!”

•  Madame Bonfamille has a nice figure given that she's 80some years old.

•  Edgar with his pants down! Edgar with his pants down!

•  Scratchy as fuck.

•  Adelaide and Georges were totally lovers once upon a time.

•  I like Madame. She's obviously lived a very full life and doesn't give two fucks about society.

•  Edgar...as a villain. Pretty weak sauce, but you can understand his frustration. And his room is pretty shitty given what a huge mansion he lives in.

•  Did cats really live 20 years at the turn of the century? I mean without the standard vet care of today?

•  Marie is annoying. She has two pink bows.

•  Um...where is their father? Why is there no mention of him? It's Disney, so Duchess is obviously a widow. So why no mention of "When your father was alive...?"

•  “Ladies do not start fights, but they can finish them.”

•  Oh, Eva Gabor. What a good casting choice.

•  Okay...that's a lot of sleeping pills! You don't want to kill them, Edgar...right?

•  “Mama, he did it again!”

•  That kitten plays the piano better than I ever will.

•  Edgar has roofied the cats and is taking them out to the country.

•  Napoleon and Lafayette. The southern hound dogs. They're pretty much useless and they don't fit because they're southern. They give Edgar some trouble to an otherwise super easy task. I mean, he puts them in their bassinet cat bed! If he wanted them to die, he would have put them in a sack or a box...like he does later in the movie.

•  “How come you always grab the tender part for yourself?”

•  Okay they're lucky they didn't die after being thrown out like that.

•  Tolouse remembers Edgar being the culprit.

•  Yeah! That poor old woman!

•  A mouse named Roquefort!

•  Here comes O'Malley! What a smoothie.

•  “It's pure O'Malley, baby.”

•  He's taking this single mom thing pretty well.

•  DISNEY NEEDS TO MAKE MORE CAT MOVIES.

•  “Sacred bleu!”

•  Edgar reveals his dastardly plan to the animals. To be fair, he thinks they're dumb.

•  Why are people down on this movie!?

•  Duchess is all pampered, O'Malley knows the truth.

•  Marie is always getting in trouble

•  “Marie's the caboose!”

•  Some people hate the Gabble sisters, but they're British geese! They're wearing bonnets!

•  “DEEPER!”

•  “Look, they got rubber feet.”

•  “Hiya, chicks.”

“We're not chickens, we're geese.”
“No. I thought you were swans.”

•  Some people don't like these geese. I am not one of those people.

•  “Abigail! Am-EL-ia!”

•  “Prime Country Goose a la Provencale, stuffed with chestnuts? And basted in white wine.”
“Basted? He's been marinated in it.”
“Dreadful. Being British, I would have preferred sherry.”

•  This is every drunk person everywhere.

•  “You know something? I like Uncle Waldo.”

•  All right, Edgar has confessed to Frou Frou that it was he who catnapped (#sorrynotsorry) Duchess and her kittens and now he's headed back to the scene of the crime to get his hat and umbrella back. WHY? How else are the police—if they happened to find the basket or something—going to know to look there? And so what if they find at hat and an umbrella? Unless they have Edgar's name on them—which is never stated, is it?--he has nothing to worry about. DNA wasn't a thing then! DNA was barely a thing when O.J. Simpson was on trial!

•  If Napoleon and Lafayette were cut from this movie, I might miss them. Might.

•  I'd be more worried about leaving his sidecar behind. That's far more traceable.

•  And what if Madame needs him in the middle of night?

•  This VHS looks surprisingly okay.

•  And here's Scat Cat and his band of casually racist stereotypes! But it's okay because they're cats.

•  Wow. I am liking this way more than I anticipated.

•  PsYcHeDeLiA!

•  “Groovy, mama! Groovy!” #70s

•  “If you want to turn me on...” whoa.

•  Dating life of a single mother...Disney gives it a go.

•  The tales intertwined! How can you not like that? So cute.

•  Madame obviously loves cats. She's probably take Thomas in, especially seeing how her other cats respond to him.

•  “Well, we almost had a father.” What about your REAL father? What's the story there!?

•  Back to the ritzy neighborhood. Thomas isn't as opposed to domestication as the Tramp is.

•  Here's Edgar's true villainy: he pretends to be sympathetic to Madame who he's known for decades and he turns on her because of moola. True, she's crazy, and he has to put up with her crazy friends. And his room is kind of shitty....but he's not in a Cinderella situation. He escalates, too. At first he just wants to abandon them. They might live, they might die. Out of sight, out of mind. But when they come back, he gets PISSED.

•  “Here, kitty, kitty, kitty...”

•  He doesn't give them any food or water!

•  All right. Scat Cat to the rescue. Action-packed ending. I'll be chilling over here.

•  Poetic justice.

•  See? I said Madame would welcome him with open arms.

•  “My home for all the alley cats of Paris...” You saw that coming.

•  Once Duchess "marries" Thomas, her name will be Duchess O'Malley, which is pretty fucking cool.

Final Thoughts

I misfired here. I totally like The Aristocats. Nothing On the Fence about it. I guess I thought it resembled One Hundred and One Dalmatians more than it actually does. My bad. Now, that being said, it's definitely one of Disney's weaker offerings. It's totally serviceable as an animated talking animal musical. Maybe I'm blinded by my fondness for cats. Fine. I like cats, therefore, I like this movie. Have the same exact story with dogs and it would rank much lower. Possibly lower than Dalmatians because at least Dalmatians would still have Sgt. Tibbs and Cruella de Vil to liven things up.

Duchess, the kittens, Roquefort, Frou Frou, Madame, Scat Cat and his band are all pleasantly charming characters. Thomas is my favorite because he is rough around the edges without the questionable past of say, the Tramp. Edgar as a villain is...weird. Weird because he is very different from all other Disney villains. Most of them ooze evil from every pore. Even the ones with Greed as their main ambition--Madame Medusa, Governor Radcliffe, Clayton--have some other underlying malice. Nearly all Disney villains are over the top in some way. Edgar fumbles and bumbles. He is the most human. Perhaps that's why he's everyone's least favorite; he, more than any other Disney villain, reminds Us of our mediocrity and our weakness.

The music is also serviceable, but not really necessary. Frankly, it serves as padding. "Ev'rybody Wants to Be a Cat" empirically wins Best in Show. And I appreciate the animation. The cats move like cats!

I think I've said everything I wanted to say. I get why The Aristocats is probably nobody's Desert Island Favorite Disney Animated Feature, but it doesn't deserve to be at the bottom of anyone's list, either.

Favorite Character

Thomas O'Malley

Favorite Moment -- Everything with the Gabble Sisters
Favorite Song -- "Thomas O'Malley" performed by Phil Harris

A quick word on Moana

When I started this blog, Disney's 56th animated feature Moana had not yet been released to theaters. As of this date (February 25, 2017) it has been released digitally, which means nothing to me since I will be purchasing a hard copy sometime in March. Even though Moana will soon be available for my viewing pleasure, I won't be blogging about it until I've watched it at least twice. That seems fair, right? My Zootopia post is a little frantic, I think. So while I'm sure you handful of readers out there are anxious for my take, you'll just have to wait.

Sincerely,
Disney Doxy

Tarzan (1999)

Directed by Kevin Lima and Chris Buck
Written by Tab Murphy, Bob Tzudiker, and Noni White. Based on the novel Tarzan of the Apes by Edgar Rice Burroughs.
Premiered June 12, 1999
88 minutes
Rated G

Synopsis
Deep in the African jungle, a human baby is adopted by a female gorilla Kala (Glenn Close) after his parents are brutally attacked by a vicious cheetah. Kala's mate and leader of the pack Kerchak (Lance Henriksen) disapproves of the human intrusion and refuses to accept the baby--now named Tarzan--as a part of the family. Many years later, Tarzan (Tony Goldwyn) is a grown man still struggling to find his place among his gorilla mates but  nonetheless has a gorilla friend, Terk (Rosie O'Donnell) and elephant friend, Tantor (Wayne Knight). Tarzan's world changes drastically with the arrival of biologist and researcher Archimedes Q. Porter (Nigel Hawthorne) and his beautiful, intelligent daughter Jane (Minnie Driver). As Tarzan and Jane connect, the Porters' guide Clayton (Brian Blessed) is eager to kidnap the gorillas to be sold.

Before We Begin -- Part Une (written c. December, 2016)
By the time I was eleven years old, I really didn't care about Disney movies anymore. I was one of those eleven year old girls that liked boys and embraced puberty rather than one of those eleven year old girls who desperately tried to cling to her childhood by keeping her Barbies around. I just didn't care when Tarzan came out, although, I was still watching the Disney channel and saw heaps of previews and promotional material. Yes, Deep Canvas and surfing Tarzan, sure, whatever, please show me more Britney Spears music videos, now.

I eventually did see Tarzan. On the Disney channel. Like, a year later. I was bored, because by then I was twelve, soon to be in the seventh grade, and it really wasn't happening. But since the Disney Independent Study Course of 2006, I have seen Tarzan a good many times. And...it's...okay part of the time...good some of the time. Just not my favorite.

Before We Begin -- Part Deux (written c. February, 2017)
Soooooooooo.....if you're paying attention to the timeliness in which these blogs are posted, you make have noticed a huge gap. True, Christmas was partly to blame. But the other part was Tarzan itself, a movie I just can't get excited about. A movie that feels like an absolute chore until I get into it. But, shit or get off the pot, right?

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• Looks good.

•  Ugh. Phil Collins. Why him? Obviously the producers/directors must have been fanboys.

•  Those are some HUGE sausage curls.

• The treehouse is badass, we can all agree.

• Tarzan's mom is pretty.

• I mean, why didn't the cheetah eat the baby! It's not like he couldn't smell it.

•  And the cheetah has a name. Well, I suppose the gorillas could have named him.

•  We're only 7 ½ minutes in. Oh boy.

• Mama gorilla saves baby. Kala.

• How would Kala know what he is?

• Honestly, she should probably consult her life partner before adopting a child.

• “Tarzan? Okay, he's your baby.” My reaction to basically everyone's baby name choices.

• “You'll Be in My Heart”. Best Original Song winner at the 1999 Academy Awards and the best song in the film. EASILY.

•  So green! I like the green.

•  All right, the Baby Tarzan section was okay, but this Kid Tarzan section is downright...arg, arg, grumble, grumble.

• Oh yeah. The days when you would put Rosie O'Donell in your movie...

• “Terk, can I come?”
“Yeah, if you could keep up. But, you know, you can't really keep up.”
HE DOESN'T QUITE FIT IN.

•  So is Terk his friend or not? More like a frenemy, it seems. She's far too concerned with fitting in with the other gorilla children. Which, this sort of thing is accurate to childhood, but Terk is still a jerk.

• The elephant hair mission...it just goes on, doesn't it?

• Emo Tarzan. Ugh...I just don't care about this child's problems. Why do I not have sufficient sympathy for him? Adult Tarzan is just fine.

• Time for another song. Montage: Tarzan tries to learn what he is. And he becomes a vine swinging, tree surfing adult. I'm coming aboard.

• Ah, Newman from Seinfeld, because NINETIES.

• That damn cheetah! How come the cheetah can't speak? Or does he just let his teeth and claws do the talking?

• The backgrounds in this are seriously amazing. Such texture!

• Kerchak, how can you still have a problem with Tarzan?

• A fart joke. Never a good sign.

• A gunshot! Humans! YAY! The good part of the movie.

• Maybe now is the time to talk a little bit about the book... Tarzan of the Apes was written by Edgar Rice Burroughs and published in 1912. Tarzan was the son of a pair of shipwrecked nobles—Lord and Lady Greystoke. The mom dies of, I don't know, let's just say “womanly sickness” and the dad is killed by Kerchak, the wicked leader of the apes. Tarzan is adopted by Kala, eventually kills Kerchak and becomes leader of the apes himself. Then along come the Porters who are accompanied by Tarzan's cousin, William Cecil Clayton, who is current Lord of Greystoke, because, you know, the original Lord went missing in the African jungle and somebody needed to do the job.

• Jane! One of the most underrated Disney heroines! Partly, because there is no way she can be a princess. (Just a lowly Lady if they followed through with Tarzan reclaiming his birthright as an English noble.

• Jane is a little bit of a rehashing of Belle. And not just because of the brown hair and yellow dress. (Love the bustle! Don't like the color. But they were obviously going for contrast against the GREEN GREEN GREEN of the jungle. Plus, something like safari gear always being khaki, I'm assuming.) But anyway, Jane is obviously intellectual and has an adventurous spirit, but she's far more neurotic and excitable compared to Belle. That also fits with the tone of the movie.

• Oh, and she has a short, eccentric, elderly father. Archimedes is cool, tho.

• Yes, love the bustle! The shorter hemline is inaccurate but the most practical part of her clothing for traveling through the jungle.

• And Tarzan's all twitterpated because HUMAN WOMAN.

• “Oh, look, bananas!” Minnie Driver is charming. A very good casting choice. Did you know the original Jane was American? #themoreyouknow

• This rescue is great. Definitely one of my favorite action sequences in all the DAFs.

• She's probably never seen a man that unclothed before.

• At least she tried to hit him for invading her personal space.

• “Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!”

• This is a very romantic and intimate scene.

• But here's “Trashin' the Camp” to come and fart all over this movie's earlier attempt at maturity. A total waste of time. Terk, Tantor, and friends marvel at Victorian technology and then destroy it. Let's not the forget the kids watching! They need something to entertain themselves seeing as how the previous scene was totally not for them.

• “And, Daddy, they took my boot! And I was saved! I was saved by a flying wild man in a loincloth!”

• Kerchak = Chief Powhatan. Tarzan = Pocahontas. Jane = John Smith.

• Oh good, Jane is wearing something far more practical.

• Damn, she can draw as well as a Disney animator.

• “Oh, shall I leave you and the blackboard alone for a moment?”

• “If I can teach a parrot to sing "God Save the Queen", then I can certainly teach this savage a thing or two.”

• The music...just doesn't lure me in.

• Tarzan falls in love with Jane while he learns about humanity. Jane starts wearing a camisole because it's probably way too fucking hot and humid in the jungle to keep wearing that long sleeved bustle getup.

• “Jane must stay with Tarzan.”

• Clayton uses Tarzan's love for Jane to get him to reveal the gorillas. Right from the Captain Hook playbook. "Even if you hadn't grown up a savage, you'd be lost. There are no trails through a woman's heart."

• IT'S A TRAP.

• So....yeah...I stopped watching this because I got bored...and now I'm back. With twenty-six minutes to go.

• Tarzan protects Clayton from angry Kerchak.

• Not a man, not a gorilla. WHERE DOES HE BELONG!?

• Kala helps him decide when she shows Tarzan's parents' badass treehouse.

• Dapper.

• I don't like Terk.

• But, oh no! Clayton is going to kidnap all the gorillas!

• “I've had it with you and your emotional constipation!” Okay...that's pretty funny.

• You guys really weren't suspicious? Really?

•  Animal friends to the rescue! They've got to be good for something.

• How is it suddenly nighttime?

• Strangled by vines...and Tarzan tried to save him.

• Kerchak is all humbled and calls him son...this is so...lazy?

• And it's raining because SAD. (Wow, I'm getting bitchy.)

• Is he going to take his place on Pride Rock and roar? Nope, just a chest beat.

• Jane jumps ship. Nice kiss. Very nice. Yes, yes.

• Jane has a bikini now. Boy is she going to miss some things....some feminine hygiene type things.

Final Thoughts

Well...I think it's very telling that it took me three separate tries and several months to get through Tarzan, don't you think? I obviously don't like it that much. I like portions of it, certainly. Pretty much anytime Jane is on screen and speaking. I like Tarzan and Archimedes, too. If Clayton were given a deeper motivation beyond making paper, he would be a more compelling villain. I can't help but think of the Beast vs. Gaston in Beauty and the Beast as an example of hero/villain foils. Who is the real beast? (Which also applies to Quasimodo and Frollo in The Hunchback of Notre Dame too. We'll get there.) The movie tries to put this out there in a half-assed sort of way. ("Not a man like you!") But there's just not enough. Also the loving adoptive mother and the cold-shouldered father figure seem...overplayed? There is nothing really fresh here.

It's a common belief that Tarzan marked the end of the Disney Renaissance. It's a belief indeed held by me. Tarzan just feels tired, you know? Another big, epic musical. Another heteronormative love story. Another Academy Award nomination (and win) in the Best Original Song category. It's a little paint by numbers and the burn out is showing around the edges. No wonder Disney wanted to branch out with something new. And hey, fine. Dinosaur is a worthy experiment, at least visually. Fantasia 2000 finally got Roy Disney to shut up. I don't really have the time to get into The Emperor's New Groove, but the end result is zany, buddy picture fun. But not everything worked (Atlantis, cough! Brother Bear, cough, cough!) which is why we're now back to singing princesses. Fine by me.

The hallowed Renaissance had to come to end some time and it could have been worse. The stunning visuals and Jane Porter save Tarzan from the Meh pile and just barely at that.

(On a personal and rather selfish note,  my entire childhood was basically enveloped by the Disney Renaissance. The Little Mermaid was released when I was 1 ½ and Tarzan was released when I was eleven. #humblebrag.)

Favorite Character

Jane Porter

Favorite Moment -- Tarzan and Jane's first meeting.
Favorite Song -- "You'll Be in My Heart" performed by Glenn Close and Phil Collins