Fantasia (1940)

Directed by Samuel Armstrong, James Algar, Bill Roberts, Paul Shatterfield, Ben Sharpsteen, David D. Hand, Hamilton Luske, Jim Handley, Ford Beebe, T. Hee, Norman Ferguson and Wilfred Jackson
Written by Joe Grant and Dick Huemer
Premiered November 13, 1940
126 minutes
Rated G

Synopsis
Composer and music critic Deems Taylor narrates and Leopold Stokowski conducts the Philadelphia Orchestra as they play classical music over a collection of animated shorts.

Note: With the segmented films, I will be going further into plot points in my motley musings.

Before We Begin
There are two types of people in this world: those who love Fantasia and those who have to defend themselves for not loving Fantasia. I belong to this second group.

Fantasia was one of the first Disney movies I ever owned. My dad bought it because, well, he liked to turn down the sound and watch it while listening to the Grateful Dead, possibly under some sort of herbal influence. ("Possibly"). It was on a lot. I also owned very few movies and for some reason, I felt it was only fair to watch them equally. So even though I never really cared for Fantasia, I watched it. Well, until the last segment. Then I shut that shit off.

When I finally learned about Fantasia's rich and complex history and about its rabid fanbase, my opinions cooled even more. "Really? People consider that one to be one of the best? But it's so boring."

Will I feel the same this time around? I'm betting yes.

Mötley Müsings
• Old ass VHS in the black clamshell case. That's how you knew it was special.

• Color by TECHNICOLOR.

• Damn. We even have to wait for the orchestra to warm up. Strap in. We have two hours to go.

• New form of entertainment. "What you’re going to see are the designs and pictures and stories that music inspired in the minds and imaginations of a group of artists." Music videos. Totally.

• Segment #1 -- "Toccata and Fugue in D Minor" written by Johann Sebastian Bach (c. 1740)

• This is, like Deems Taylor said, "music for music's sake". Here are a series of abstract images--rolling hills, lines, horizons, starbursts...abstract stuff. But first, here is the orchestra playing.

• I've probably just seen this too much. I'm taking it for granted. I'm sure this was mind blowing to a 1940s audience.

• Segment #2 -- "Nutcracker Suite" written by Pyotr Ilyich Tchaicovsky (c. 1740)

• Tchaicovsky hated the Nutcracker. Hmmm.

• This one I like because it has FAIRIES and I'm a GIRL.

• That dandelion is beautiful.

• Culturally insensitive mushrooms!

• So, no bullshit, my dad just called me and when I told him I was watching Fantasia he told me "it's better with weed."

• Sexy fish. Why not.

• Bitchy statement: it would be way cooler if they did a whole cycle of the seasons. More structure. If I had some weed, I wouldn't care.

• But it is lovely. Easily the most beautiful of all the segments.

• Segment #3 -- "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" written by Paul Dukas (1896-97)

• Mickey Mouse! In case you forgot this was a Disney movie (and you might've.)

• The sorcerer's name is Yen Sid. Which is "Disney" spelled backwards. Not that anyone ever says it.  #themoreyouknow

• It's a shame things get so saturated. I'm actually liking this.

• Segment #4 -- "The Rite of Spring" written by Igor Stravinsky (1913)

• Stravinsky was the only composer who was still alive to see what Disney did with his music. He hated it. So do I. This is why I immediately associate dinosaurs with boredom.

• "It's a coldly accurate reproduction of what science thinks went on during the first few billion years of this planet's existence."

• Bored.

• Bubbling lava is nice, but I get it. There's no life yet. Just volcanoes.

• Did you know Igor Stravinsky had an affair with Coco Chanel? #themoreyouknow

• Amoebas. Anemones. Gross crustacean looking things. Jellyfish. Fish. Fish with legs. Dinosaurs. BORED.

• Oh my Christ, I swear the real evolution of the Earth took less time than this segment.

• Out of all the music featured in Fantasia, this piece is my least favorite. It's very harsh and manic and just fucking unpleasant.

• Yes. Dinosaurs ate food. I GET IT.

• And I am supposed to be excited for this dinosaur fight. However, in 1940, it's not like they had the technology to put a scene like this in a live action movie. Jurassic Park was fifty years away.

• UUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

• Truly, my disdain for "The Rite of Spring" comes down to: "I don't like dinosaurs. They're icky." I thought it when I was five and I'll think it when I'm 95.   

• Segment #4 -- Intermission. Since everyone in the theater now needs a drink, we get a short little interlude where each musical instrument is introduced as well as visual representation of its specific sound.

• This is pandering, but I am grateful to it for lightening the mood after "The Rite of Spring".

• Like the bassoon.

• Segment #5 -- "The Pastoral Symphony" written by Ludwig van Beethoven (1808)

• My favorite!!!! Unicorns! Centaurs! Pegasi! Cherubs! Girly stuff to decorate many 1980s girls' bedrooms!

• Are they women? Are they mermaids? Centaurs. Centaurs with bare breasts. It doesn't count unless you see a nipple.

• 1930s skinny brow. 1930s lashes and eyelids.

• Let's parade ourselves to get the menfolk! I don't care. I still enjoy the shit out of it.

• Oh no! Someone's not paired up! FIX IT NOW.

• PARTY! Damn, that is a lot of wine.

• So....the dark skinned centaurs has zebra bodies.

• Ho, ho, it's all just an ordinary day in mythological Greece!

• Rainbows!

• But seriously, this movie is just too long.

• Segment #6 -- "Dance of the Hours" written by Amilcare Ponchielli (1876)

• It's fun. Fatties doing ballet. Hilarious.

• But I am antsy. And we're only to the elephants.

• Fantasia...come on, man.

• Segment #7 -- "Night on Bald Mountain" written by Modest Mussorgsky (1867)/"Ave Maria" written by Franz Schubert (1825)

• For real, when I was a kid I only got a few moments into this sequence before shutting off the tape. I wasn't a "scaredy cat" kid either, but there was only so much I could take and scary music paired with dancing demons was too much for me. It wasn't until years later that I finally watched through to the "Ave Maria" portion.

• Let's get something straight about Chernabog. He is not a villain. We don't see him do anything villainous. He summons some bats and evil spirits. He makes them dance. He torments them. But who cares about the feelings of evil demons? He enjoys being in control. But he doesn't cast any evil spells, he doesn't serve a poison apple, he doesn't steal puppies with the intention of making a fur coat, he doesn't usurp the throne by murdering his brother. He doesn't even leave a bunch of cats on the outskirts of town so he can inherit money. Chernabog is scary. No one can deny that. But can we stop calling him a villain, please?

• Harpies with red nipples! Harpies with red nipples! Alert! Alert!

This is a screenshot from a G rated

Disney animated feature.

• Also, Chernobog is "defeated" by church bells. Weak.

• It'll all be over soon. Town folk with lanterns.

• UUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Final Thoughts

Fantasia is overrated. Yes, it is an original concept. Yes, it is the precursor to the music video. Yes, it has good animation and probably good sound mixing. But all that doesn't make up for the fact that it's overlong, pretentious, and survives off its own sense of superiority. The first few DAF's, (Snow White, Pinocchio, Dumbo, and Bambi) all have a certain humility to them. They know they are family films and they know that's okay. But Fantasia, oh boy, Fantasia is for sophisticated adults. Fantasia is a concert feature. Fantasia WOULD CHANGE THE FACE OF CINEMA FOREVER!!!

But, at least at the time of its initial release, it didn't. It was actually a pretty big bomb. And after FIVE rereleases, the damn thing still managed to stay under the radar of the viewing populace. Nobody gave two shits about dancing mushrooms. That is, until 1969. I don't know who exactly was in charge of the Disney corporation at the time (with Walt having died three years earlier), but someone knew that there was counter culture of hippie youth who would take drugs and see "head movies". And that same someone realized that Fantasia was pretty damn psychedelic and there was a pretty good chance that it would usher LSD raddled minds into the theaters. If you think it happened by accident, take a look at this poster.

Look at that thing! It's an acid nightmare waiting to happen. (I wonder how many "bad trips" are owed to "Night on Bald Mountain"). It's because of this drug association that the Disney company finally made money off of Fantasia and from then on, it was heralded as a masterpiece of American animation.

Look, there is nothing else like Fantasia. It was an original idea. Even though Disney only had two other animated features at the time, I appreciate the fact that he was already thinking outside the box. He was trying to do something different, much like the guys in the early 2000s. Why limit yourself to one genre? To one type of movie when animation allows you to do anything?

So I "get" Fantasia and I can respect it for its uniqueness. That's why I can't put it at the Bottom of the Barrel.

Favorite Character

Hop Low

Favorite Moment/Song -- "The Pastoral Symphony"

Atlantis: The Lost Empire (2001)

Directed by Gary Trousdale and Kirk Wise
Written by Tab Murphy
Premiered June 3, 2001
96 minutes
Rated PG

Synopsis
In 1914 Washington D.C., a nerdy cartographer and linguistics specialist named Milo J. Thatch (Michael J. Fox) is on a mission to find the lost continent of Atlantis which he learned about from his now deceased grandfather. Despite his lack of support from the Smithsonian bigwigs, Milo's grandfather's old friend, eccentric millionaire Preston B. Whitmore (John Mahoney), decides to fund an expedition to find Atlantis with Milo as the language specialist. The expedition crew is headed by Commander Lyle Rourke (James Garner) and includes femme fatale by way of Lara Croft Helga Sinclair (Claudia Christian), creepy French geologist Mole Moliere (Corey Burton), sardonic demolitions expert Vinnie Santorini (Don Novello), upbeat doctor Joshua Sweet (Phil Morris), tough girl mechanic Audrey Ramirez (Jacqueline Obradors), cynical radio operator Wilhelmina Packard (Florence Stanley), and chuck wagon cook Cookie Farnsworth (Jim Varney). Once the crew arrives in the lost continent, King of Atlantis Kashekim Nedakh (Leonard Nimoy) is suspicious of the travelers while his daughter Kida (Cree Summer) believes that Milo can help her revive their fading culture.

Before We Begin
In 2001, I was thirteen and about as far away from caring about Disney Animated Features as I ever was. Yes, I still loved my old favorites, but I, along with nearly everyone else, recognized that the Disney Renaissance was over. The sun had set on the glorious empire and who knew if it would ever rise again? At that point, I think I had maybe seen Tarzan, probably on TV and probably because nothing better was on.

Coming off of the Disney Renaissance, I guess the company wanted something new and different. To hell with fairy tales, big Broadway songs, and and romance! We want action, action, ACTION! Explosions! Sci-fi! Fart jokes! And those oh-so-precious teenage boys who never liked their movies to begin with would certainly pay to see a movie with all that! Thus, in 2001, Atlantis: The Lost Empire was released.

Mötley Müsings
• Subtitles and flying pods! A big wave! The queen is being taken to the light! Atlantis is covered in a dome and sucked underwater. (I'm putting this here so I remember.)

• And now it's 1914 and we're in Washington D.C.

• Michael J. Fox! Yes, yes, yes! I adore Milo Thatch, all his enthusiasm and he is casted perfectly.

• Child Milo is cute.

• And he has a cat!

• "Who are you? How did you get in here?" "I came down the chimney. Ho, ho, ho."

• Femme fatale c. 1914 is anachronistic. Actually, I'm not even sure why this movie is set in 1914. Pre internet makes sense, but why that particular year?

• Old man yoga in a bathrobe.

• Whitmore is like a fairy godmother.

• Oh, vomiting jokes. "Carrots? Why is it always carrots? I didn't even eat carrots."

• "To whoever took the L from the motorpool sign, ha ha ha, we are all amused."

• "Lettuce! LETTUCE!"

• "I got your four food groups right here: beans, bacons, whiskey and lard."

• Steampunk is a thing.

• "Attention. Tonight's supper will be baked beans. Musical program to follow. Who wrote this?" Enough with the bodily function jokes!

• Yeah...I really don't like Audrey. The rest of the supporting characters are fine, but Audrey is a word-that-rhymes-with-punt.

• Action sequence. They're getting the submarine thing into the under water parts where Atlantis is. (Can't you tell how much I care?)

• Giant lobsters! Like a boss. On an adventure! Like a boss.

• You'd think if everyone is the Best of the Best on this crew, they would have gotten an actual good cook.

• Back stories galore around the campfire. I want to hear Mrs. Packard's story! What's her deal?

• "Forget your jammies, Mrs. Packard?" "I sleep in the nude."

• "All right, who's not dead? Sound off."

• You know...it's quotable.

• Mrs. Packard = Lunch Lady Doris

• Here's Forgotten Disney Princess Kida. She has cured Milo's wound with her Atlantean crystal magic. While Kida's design is interesting (white hair, choppy bangs, dark skin, face tattoo), her personality isn't. She's admirable in wanting to do the best for her people, but there's just not enough time to get to know her. The artists also tried to make her sexy for all those horny teenage boys roaring to see Disney movies with more T&A. Jessica Rabbit she is not. Nor is she Kim Basinger in Cool World. (Remember Cool World!?) Yeah, she shows a lot of skin, but fellas, animated skin is just paint.

I can't help but feel if Kida wasn't of a mythical race--say, if she were Latina or Japanese--she would totally be lined up with the other Disney princesses, you know, so they had all their bases covered.

• But Cree Summer...you will always be Susie Carmichael from Rugrats to me.

• This going through the languages is neat.

• Uh oh. Rourke's up to no good.

• Leonard Nimoy. Nice.

• "Go get 'em, tiger." REALLY?

• "You are a scholar, are you not? Judging from your diminished physique and large forehead, you are suited for nothing else!" Oh right. This movie came out when it was still "uncool" to be a nerd.

• She remembers the flood, but she can't remember how to read...

• I'm pretty sure there were more than 38 states in 1914. In fact, I think there were 48.

• There weren't bikinis in 1914. And Kida looks like one of the lost Kardashian sisters. Which, you know, I'm not complaining about. They shouldn't all be willowy like Aurora.

• And now Rourke has reveals his true nature. He was evil all along! Who knew! (Everyone.)

• Countries wanting the heart of Atlantis could take place anytime. Why c. World War I?

• The "Force" takes Kida and now she is the vessel for heart of Atlantis.

• Oh, of course the crew is going to side with Milo. "We're all gonna die."

• "We done a lot of things we're not proud of. Robbing graves, eh, plundering tombs, double parking. But, nobody got hurt. Well, maybe somebody got hurt, but nobody we knew."

• Here's the deal -- the crystal chooses a royal host to protect Atlantis. I don't think being of royal blood has ever been so important to the plot of a DAF before.

• Did you know this was Jim Varney's last film? #themoreyouknow

• BOOM.

• "Congratulations. You just won the solid gold kewpie doll." WHAT?

• Rourke gets stabbed with a piece of crystal, turns into a blue crystal monster and then explodes. k.

• BOOM. BOOM. BOOM.

• Milo gets to live in Atlantis forever! Yay for him!

• Oh, but he doesn't have his cat!

• Whoa...this end credits song is painfully early 2000s. Mya. Man.

• But really, what was that solid gold Kewpie doll thing about?

Final Thoughts
Atlantis: The Lost Empire is a movie I want to like. I even ranked it much higher in previous years, but if I'm honest with myself, it just has too much damn action. And it's too long. And the character development (excepting Milo Thatch) leaves something to be desired.

So if I don't really like it, what's my deal? Why not put it on the Bottom of the Barrel list? Well, they just tried so damn hard. They--being the directors, producers, creators--were into it. They were giving it their all on the design and the making up of the mythology and the language. They wanted to try something new! And I commend them for it. Yes Atlantis flopped, spectacularly. (Shrek was released a few weeks prior.) But nothing ventured, nothing gained. At least they ventured.

However, Disney perhaps...what am I saying perhaps? However, Disney definitely should have put a little more thought into the characters. Maybe chop a few so they could give the good ones the screen time they deserve. Or at least give the characters a chance to engage us. And there is something there. The Ulysses crew is a different bunch. There is some leaning on stereotypes but not as grossly as Fagin's pack in Oliver & Company. This movie's Latino/Latina character is female! Creepy digger guy! Sardonic bomber guy! Lunch lady Doris! And then you know, it would be nice if Kida had a personality too. Sorry, Cree Summer, I know you're a professional voice actor and all, but maybe if there was someone with the star power equal to Michael J. Fox, we could have had something. And the script did you no favors.

Look, the makers of Atlantis were more concerned with world building than character. It shows. It is a hardy effort. We shouldn't poo-poo it.

Favorite Character

Milo J. Thatch

Favorite Moment -- Meet the crew
Favorite Song -- There's a remix of Donovan's "Atlantis" on the German release with forgotten girl group No Angels. It's called "Atlantis 2002"and it wins by DEFAULT.

Leveling Up

We are moving away from the Bottom of the Barrel and into Level 2: Something Amiss. These movies--which constitute the smallest group in my ranking--are films I don't really enjoy for one reason or another, but I don't feel right about putting them in the Bottom of the Barrel. And that's it. These are not bad movies. These are good movies that I don't like. That's that.

But let's take a quick look at our previous category, Bottom of the Barrel!

Those films, in best to worst order are:

1. Oliver & Company
2. Chicken Little
3. Brother Bear
4. The Three Caballeros
5. Dinosaur
6. Lilo & Stitch

Of those six...
4 are from the 2000s
1 is from the 1980s
1 is from the 1940s

Oliver & Company (1988)

Directed by George Scribner
Written by Jim Cox, Tim Disney and James Mangold. Based on Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens
Premiered November 18, 1988
73 minutes
Rated G

Synopsis
In New York City an orphaned kitten (Joey Lawrence) is mesmerized by the streetwise Jack Russell terrier Dodger (Billy Joel) and falls in with his gang of pickpocketing canines--fast talking Chihuahua Tito (Cheech Marin), sophisticated English bulldog Francis (Roscoe Lee Brown), sassy Afghan Hound Rita (Sheryl Lee Ralph), and a Great Dane ironically named Einstein (Richard Mulligan). The group of dogs is lead by bumbling thief Fagin (Dom Deluise). Eventually the impressionable kitten is adopted by poor little rich girl Jenny Foxworth (Natalie Gregory) and named Oliver, much to the dismay of her spoiled poodle Georgette (Bette Midler). After the gang discovers Oliver's pampered new life, Fagin decides to kidnap the kitten and hold him for ransom to pay off his various debts to cruel loan shark Sykes (Robert Loggia).

Before We Begin
My only exposure to Oliver & Company as a child was through the many previews on my many Disney VHS tapes. It looked...okay, I suppose, but not entertaining enough for me to beg my mom to rent for me. I liked the princess movies, truth be told, and Oliver & Company lacked princesses. In fact, I'm not sure if any of the previews featured Jenny--a character I could relate to, you know, with her being a little girl and all. Even my childhood obsession with kitty cats didn't spark my interest. Something about Disney's 27th animated feature just didn't interest me.

I can't recall when exactly I finally sat down and watched Oliver & Company. High school, I imagine. And by then I was a lost cause. If you don't first watch this movie in the deep throes of childhood and create warm fuzzy feelings in the process, then you're never going to like it. It is a kid's movie, through and through.

Two years ago, I had a job which allowed me to listen to audiobooks while working. I began burning through the classics and among them was Oliver Twist. Knowing the source material all the better, I kept thinking..."Wow...Oliver & Company sucks more than I even knew." Don't worry, I'm not going to do a play by play of how Disney mangles Dickens. 'Twould be a exercise in futility.

Mötley Müsings
• New York City. Something about Disney in a "contemporary" setting is just...questionable.

• Huey Lewis #80s

• Those clothes on the humans! Dated!

• Gah, this doesn't look so good. We are still in the "scratchy" Xerox era.

• Look, Disney straight up needs to make more cat movies. Look at all the internet cat videos! People love cats!

• I mean, of course we're going to feel sorry for this poor little kitty. No one wants him. It's raining. He escaped those vicious dogs. Points for Unnamed Orange Kitten.

• Yankees hat #2. We get it. The movie is set in New York City. The opening song said that about twenty times.

• Rap! Rap makes its first (and last?) appearance in a DAF. And also the first appearance of a black character? I'll check back in with you after The Rescuers, because I think there might be some African dignitaries at the UN.

• Hot dog vendor is grotesque.

• Here comes Dodger. Ew. Kissy faces at the Pekinese bitch (proper term). I am not keen on street harassment.

• Dude, I could have sworn Joey Lawrence was my age...nope, I'm mistaking him for his younger brother.

• Dogs from previous DAFs making a cameo. I choose to think of it as homage instead of plain ass laziness.

• Francis watching a production of Macbeth. Props to Disney for not just doing the "to be or not to be" scene from Hamlet.

• Tito is obnoxious.

• Here comes Fagin, voiced by Don Bluth favorite Dom Deluise. He is also grotesque looking. And unlikable. Dickens's Fagin is deplorable for using little children to steal for him. Disney's Fagin is just pathetic relying on dogs to do his dirty work.

• Sykes. In Oliver Twist, Bill Sikes is a thief. Here, he's a loan shark. So like, what did Sykes lend money to Fagin for? Since he live in a shitty boat in a sketchy harbor, I'm going to say drugs.

• Roscoe and Desoto are pretty good toadies. And by good, I mean evil and threatening.

• And Unnamed Orange Kitten scratches one of them! Go, kitty, go! Oh, and he's found a family.

• Oh no. "Streets of Gold". Sassy 80s R&B by way of the Pointer Sisters. Does this add anything? The opening sequence showed how dangerous New York can be.

• "Don't worry. I'm sure they'll be home for your birthday." "No." DAMN. Jenny is bland like Unnamed Orange Kitten, but we sympathize.

• Yes, Jenny, it seems your parents don't give a shit about you. If they're on a work trip and can't leave, they can easily afford to fly you and Winston the butler anywhere, but they choose to be selfish assholes. (And their poodle has a nicer room than you do!)

• "Perfect Isn't Easy" is pretty entertaining and absurd.

• Georgette doesn't have an equivalent in Oliver Twist.

• Unnamed Orange Kitty is finally named Oliver.

• Georgette fears Dodger will, erm, have his way with her and then is disappointed when he tells her she's "barking up the wrong tree". Ugh...

• And Tito kisses Georgette and gets smacked.

• Seeing Oliver's fancy cat collar, Fagin hatches a plan to hold the kitten for ransom until his rich owner pays up. This feels darker than it should because all that JonBenét Ramsey stuff has been on lately. :-/

• All right, the shot of Georgette eating a box of "chocolates" while watching an aerobics video is pretty funny.

• Well, obviously Oliver's "rich owner" is just a little girl with a piggy bank. Poor Jenny. But Fagin tries to do the right thing, but Sykes is having none of it and kidnaps Jenny to ransom her parents. Who are in Europe. And don't give a fuck about her.

• Oliver and company to the rescue!

• "Heigh-ho" from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs makes an appearance. uhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

• And Sykes gets hit with a train and everyone lives happily ever after!

• Except Jenny's parents STILL don't return home for her birthday. It's Disney! You'd think they'd pop in to surprise her! But Winston gets a call saying they're returning tomorrow. Tomorrow doesn't matter when you're turning [rewinds tape to count Jenny's birthday candles] eight. Fuck's sake, why not just animate them walking through the door? It's not like the actors were on another project! What is this shit!?

• And they better show up soon, because if I found out my butler allowed a bum to my kid's birthday party, I'd be pissed.

• Ew. And this romance between Tito and Georgette is awkward.

Final Thoughts
Eh...what can I really say? Oliver & Company is just...unpleasant. Not unpleasant like a golf shoe to the face, but unpleasant like waiting in line at the DMV. Slightly frustrating. And for someone like me, who forces herself to watch these movies, it's necessary like standing in line at the DMV. Look, it's just trying so hard to be hip and that's never hip. In fact, it dates the movie horribly. It might even be the most dated of all the DAFs. I'll get back to you on that.

It's just so 80s. Not awesome Back to the Future, The Empire Strikes Back 80s. Not fun, campy He-Man 80's. Just embarassingly "We Are the World", shoulder pads, Small Wonder, New Coke 80's. I mean, just look at the voice cast. This is some of Disney's most shameless celebrity casting. Dodger is streetwise! Let's get Billy Joel. He has a New York accent! And Georgette, she should be flashy...ah ha! Bette Midler! And Tito the Chihuahua, he should be Mexican, of course. Who is the most famous Mexican circa 1987? Cheech Marin! No one does a bad job, per se, but...it's pandering. And not so very different from the slough of animated features in the 2000s. (I'm looking at you Shark Tale.)

Even though we have Oliver and Jenny who are circumstantially sympathetic, they don't have much else to them. Dodger and Fagin are unlikable. Sykes is intimidating, but we don't spend enough time with him to get invested. And the supporting characters are broad stereotypes which is never ideal.

So...yeah. It's not a movie one hates, but what's to like?

Favorite Character

Francis

Favorite Moment -- I suppose I was most entertained during "Perfect Isn't Easy".
Favorite Song -- "Why Should I Worry" performed by Billy Joel

Lilo & Stitch (2002)

Directed by Dean DeBlois and Chris Sanders
Written by Chris Sanders and Dean DeBlois
Premiered June 21, 2002
85 minutes
Rated PG

Synopsis
In a far off galaxy, Dr. Jumba Jookiba (David Ogden Stiers) is on trial for creating destructive alien Experiment 626 (Chris Sanders). Jumba is found guilty and 626 is sentenced to life on an asteroid. However, he commandeers a spaceship and crash lands on the island of Kaua'i and is eventually taken to an animal shelter. Meanwhile a troubled young girl named Lilo (Daveigh Chase) convinces her financially struggling sister and sole guardian Nani (Tia Carrere) to adopt a puppy. Nani acquiesces but Lilo chooses 626 who she renames Stitch. With social worker Cobra Bubbles (Ving Rhames) watching Nani's every move and Jumba and Earth expert Pleakley (Kevin McDonald) after Stitch, the fragile family tries to stick together in spite of Stitch's destructive nature.

Before We Begin
You should know right now that Lilo & Stitch is my least favorite Disney Animated Feature. Yes, I dislike it more than Dinosaur, more than Chicken Little, and far more than all other purported "worst" DAFs.

But, but, but...it's the one that made money! It was the one bright spot in the post-Renaissance! How can you not like it, Disney Doxy?

Let me tell you a little story. I was a school field trip. It was actually a "Reward Day" for those students who got good enough grades and didn't get detention. Our reward was to see a movie. (I'm pretty sure it was Snow Dogs starring Academy Award winner Cuba Gooding, Jr.) During the previews, there was a scene from Beauty and the Beast, a movie I am quite fond of (understatement). So there was Belle and the Beast dancing to their theme song. Then the camera panned to this giant, hideous blue bug crawling on the ceiling. It climbed onto the chandelier causing it to crash to floor, effectively ruining one of the most romantic scenes in cinema history. Belle stormed off angrily (and uncharacteristically). Then we jumped into a regular trailer with AC/DC's "Back in Black" under scoring.

Well, fuck you, too, Lilo & Stitch. You just made an enemy for life.

I put off watching the movie until the inaugural DAF marathon in 2006. I did not like it.

Mötley Müsings
• Oh right. I'm supposed to be positive. Uh huh. I'll try oh-so-hard. Let's just get this fucking over with.

• You know...I'm not a beach chick. I would much rather tour castles in Europe than hang out on a Hawaiian beach. That's the kind of person I am.

• Like with Pocahontas and Brother Bear sharing the "Native American" angle, I'm glad Moana is coming out to share the "south Pacific" setting with this movie.

• Space! Enough with space already, Disney!

• Stitch is evil. He was created to be evil. Will he turn good by movie's end? Can he?

• Stitch is also just gross.

• The aliens resemble animals with random antennae. #lazy

• Heh. Movie is pro-evolution.

• Lilo is annoying. She is disturbed. She is violent. I don't like children to begin with. But evil children...evil fictional children are on a whole other level.

• About her doll: “I made her, but her head is too big. So I pretend a bug laid eggs in her ears, and she’s upset because she only has a few more days to…”

• I appreciate that Nani is drawn like a real woman.

• I feel bad for Nani having to take on the responsibility of raising her little sister. That fucking sucks. Especially a monster like Lilo.

• Lilo is voiced by Daveigh Chase who played Samara in The Ring. Yeah. Coincidence? I think not.

• Lilo is a liar.

• "My friends need to be punished." Why!? Why do people like this movie? How can they possibly think Lilo is a good character, someone worth rooting for? HATE, HATE, HATE.

• "I need someone to be my friend." Well, stop being a little shit! It's not because you're weird, it's because you're violent!

• Okay, I'm pretty sure the people at the animal shelter could recognize that Stitch is clearly not an animal. Why didn't they call the feds? What the fuck?

• All right, Nani, you've lost me. You have three days to get your shit together and impress the social worker and you are taking on more responsibility by adopting a dog. You are fucking stupid.

• Stitch is gross. And Lilo is a poor judge of character. I hate these characters.

• Theft! They just stole that little girl's Big Wheel. This is not okay!

• Oh yeah. Elvis provides the soundtrack. Could be worse.

• Why is Lilo walking around unsupervised?

• David's okay for a bland Disney hero.

• "Don't worry. She likes your butt and fancy hair. I know. I read her diary." "She thinks it's fancy?" And yet another reason to dislike Lilo!

• Yes! Yes! Take him back! CALL THE FEDS!

• The concept of 'ohana: 'ohana means family and family means no one gets left behind or forgotten. #moralofthestory

• I mean, we know by the end that Cobra Bubbles worked with alien invasions before he must recognize that Stitch is a fucking alien! Why doesn't he do something about it!?

• There are elements of Frankenstein here...

• "Elvis Presley was a model citizen." WHAT THE FUCK? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

• "I'm sure Elvis had his bad days, too."

• Like, Nani is not that bad...I want to like her. If only she had listened to me and not adopted stupid fucking Stitch.

• Yeah, Stitch. You suck.

• The hammock scene. Nice. Truly like that. Truly touching.

• "You abuse me because you miss your family" Lilo basically says. Great message, Disney.

• This emotional portion is good. Too bad I hate Stitch. He better fucking redeem himself and quick.

• Lilo & Stitch goes to dark places. PG dark places. But the unlikable characters make it hard for me to feel sympathetic.

• "So she's gone?" "Look at the bright side: you won't have to yell at anyone any more."

• Here comes the big action sequence at the end. Space. Explosions. Blah, blah, blah. I am checking out now...

• Too little too late. Just end already!

Final Thoughts
Look, I never said Lilo & Stitch was the worst movie in the Disney canon. I said it was my least favorite and that is quite a different thing. Frankly I am too biased to ever do a proper "movie critic" ranking of these movies. Emotions get in the way.

Lilo & Stitch has good moments. It has some good themes. It's not banal. But it is ridiculously overrated. Part of the reason why it made so much money (and I am thankful to it for keeping traditional Disney animation afloat for a little while longer) is because it cost relatively nothing (compared to Treasure Planet, at least) to make. And the characters appealed to kids and teenage girls.

I've come to the conclusion that if Lilo & Stitch were one of the less popular DAFs, one that only a handful of people liked, I would feel differently towards it. I understand there may be a cult following to any movie, after all. But lots of people, lots of women my age, love this movie and it bugs the shit out of me. Why is there celebration of these awful characters? How can some people think Lilo and Stich are cute? What is cute about destruction, abuse, voo doo, and snot jokes? What!? WHAT!? WHAT!? TELL ME, PLEASE.

I can't be the only one who doesn't like this movie. So I urge you, fellow haters, to speak out! It's okay! You are not alone!

Favorite Character

This frog that watches Stitch get run

over by a semi and does

nothing...heh, heh, heh.

Favorite Moment -- Lilo and Nani stay goodbye on the hammock.
Favorite Song -- "(You're the) Devil in Disguise" performed by Elvis Presley

Brother Bear (2003)

Directed by Aaron Blaise and Robert Walker
Written by Tab Murphy, Lorne Cameron, David Hoselton, Steve Bencich, and Ron J. Friedman
Premiered November 1, 2003
85 minutes
Rated G

Synopsis
In post ice age North America, a young Inuit man named Kenai (Joaquin Phoenix) is about to be given his totem--an animal spirit with a virtue that will guide his life. Kenai is very dismayed when he receives the Bear of Love, a very unmanly totem in his opinion. Shortly after, Kenai's eldest brother Sitka (D.B. Sweeney) is killed fighting with a bear and Kenai vows revenge. He succeeds but as punishment for disrespecting the Earth, he is turned into a bear by the Great Spirits, which now includes Sitka. Elder of the tribe Tanana (Joan Copeland) urges Kenai to return to the mountain tops where the Great Spirits reside and convince Sitka to turn him back into a human. On the way, Kenai meets precocious bear cub Koda (Jeremy Suarez) who has been separated from his mother. Koda, who happens to know where these mythic mountain tops are, acts as Kenai's guide while attempting to bond with him. Meanwhile, Kenai's other brother Denahi (Jason Raize) is hungry to take revenge on the bear who he believed killed both his brothers.

Before We Begin
I first saw Brother Bear in the summer of 2006 which was the first time I ever marathoned the DAFs. I rented it from the library on DVD. I didn't like it.

I really have nothing else to add. That is how bland Brother Bear is.

Mötley Müsings
• I don't know about you all, but I appreciate that there two DAFs that feature Native American characters. (No, we are not counting Peter Pan!) It would be perfectly understandable if Disney decided that Pocahontas covered everything they thought necessary. ("We already did Indians!") Plus, Inuits have an entirely separate culture from the Powhatans.

• Isn't it crazy the Brother Bear font is the American Horror Story font?

• Here's the first song written by Phil Collins--"Great Spirits" performed by Tina Turner. If ain't "We Don't Need Another Hero", I don't want to hear it. I didn't really like Phil Collins' stuff in Tarzan, and I really don't like it here.

• I mean, it looks fucking gorgeous.

• So did mammoths and humans live at the same time? Yes?

• Patience. Motherhood. I don't have the energy to pick that one apart...

• Why does a bear represent love? The protectiveness of the mothers? Because we like to hug teddy bears? I question this.

• "You should have gotten the totem of pinheads!" #anachronistic And isn't "pinhead" a politically incorrect term?

• Have I mentioned that this movie is fucking gorgeous?

• This first part has stakes! Drama! The makings of a great movie!

• "I don't blame the bear, Kenai!"

• "Do you really think love has anything to do with being a man?" Biologically no, emotionally yes.

• Tanana is basically the only female character in this movie. It's cool that she's not a love interest or mother, but an important elder in her tribe. That's cool. #feministdisney

• Fucking. Gorgeous.

• But now Kenai is a bear and the movie changes tone and goes in a direction I don't, personally, care for.

• Okay. I should mention that at this point in the film--Kenai waking up as a bear--the aspect ratio changes from 1.75:1 to 2.35:1, which my VHS doesn't show. The DVD does. Also the colors are WAY brighter in this part.

• Here's Dave Thomas and Rick Moranis as moose brothers Tuke and Rutt, the animal version of the McKenzie brothers from SCTV, which I have never watched. But they don't bug me.

• "I'm not a bear. I hate bears." "Well, gee, eh, you're one big beaver."

• But you know who does bug me? Fucking Koda. Annoying child character. Fuck him. FUCK HIM.

• Shut up, Koda! Shut up! Nobody likes you!

• Curmudgeonly adult's heart melted by plucky child is one of my least favorite plot threads.

• Why does Koda even want to be friends with this guy who doesn't like him?

• All right. Now is when I'm going to make my argument for how Brother Bear could have been better.

You have this overly masculine main character who thinks bravery and strength are the only makings of a man. Then he gets the totem of love and instead of the movie going the romantic route (like many Disney movies before) they go the family route. But does Kenai really need to learn about family love? Never for a second did I think Kenai, Denahi, and Sitka didn't love each other. They bicker and tease, but isn't that normal? Maybe Kenai needs to learn to be less of a douche and to not hate bears, but love his brothers? No. I think he's good there. I mean, he sets out to avenge one of them for christssakes!

Brother Bear (obviously with a different title) would work better as a romance. Picture it: Kenai has turned into a bear. On his search for Sitka's spirit, he runs into a she-bear whom acts as a guide. Kenai learns she isn't the monster all bears appear to be. Maybe she has a cub. Maybe he's as irritating as Koda. Kenai learns tolerance and patience. He learns to love. And then he finds out she was the bear who "killed Sitka".

Isn't that good? Far more dramatic. Higher stakes.

Of course, they'd have to change the set-up. Maybe have Kenai thumbing his nose at one of his brothers' romances. Oh well...that isn't the way it went. I think having a romance told through the male perspective would have been new and also, perhaps successful. I mean, Aladdin sort of did that and look how big it was. (I am aware the romance had nothing to do with the movie's success.)

Brother Bear could have been great. That's all I'm sayin'.

• Oh man. They're bonding. And Denahi is getting pissed. I enjoy his story arc. And he has facial hair. Interesting design choice.

• Lessons about prejudice.

• "Hey. You're stirring up the water, dude."

• Another song.

• Newlywed bears. The gag is ruined by someone saying "Get a cave!"

• Kenai realizes what we all know: the bear he killed was Koda's mother!

• Dramatic song moment.

• "What about when your hooves froze in the pond? Who sat with you all winter, eh?"

• Koda is far less irritating when he only makes bear noises.

• And so Kenai chooses to remain a bear so he can take care Koda because he finally understands what love is. (But he already knew!) Also, he is responsible for his mother's death.

• End credits jokes.

Final Thoughts
So that was Brother Bear. It looks great. But it is not as good as I think it could have been. Therefore, it is ranked very low on my list. I can't just let the movie be what it is. I am tripping over its potential.

Damn. I just don't have enough to say. It's Brother Bear. It's pretty blah. (Other than the visuals). Oh, and I fucking hate Koda. Normally the most irritating character is just a sidekick, but when it's one of the protagonists, it's just too fucking much. It causes resentment towards the film. It makes it a chore.

Favorite Character

Denahi

Favorite Moment -- Kenai's transformation
Favorite Song -- "I'm On My Way" performed by Jeremy Suarez and Phil Collins. (DEFAULT.)

The Three Caballeros (1944)

Directed by Norman Ferguson, Clyde Geronimi, Jack Kinney, Bill Roberts and Harold Young
Written by Homer Brightmen, Ernest Terrazas, Ted Sears, Bill Peet, Ralph Wright, Elmer Plummer, Roy Williams, William Cottrell, Del Connell, and James Bodrero
Premiered December 21, 1944
72 minutes
Rated G

Synopsis
American Hollywood star Donald Duck (Clarence Nash) celebrates his birthday with Brazilian parrot José "Joe" Carioca (José Oliveira) and Mexican rooster Panchito Pistoles (Joaquin Garay) by opening a collection of gifts which take them on wild south-of-the-border adventures.

Note: With the segmented films, I will be going further into plot points in my mötley müsings.

Before We Begin
I am aware in writing these reviews in My Chosen Order, we miss out on a lot of context, history, and natural evolution. The Three Caballeros needs explanation.

After the United States entered World War II, the Disney animation unit was left in a pickle. Animators and the like were drafted, money was tight, and the floors of the studio were strewn with half finished story lines and ideas. Those who stayed behind were recruited by the U.S. government to make propaganda films OR put to work on stitching together those half finished story lines into cohesive films. Today, the movies released between 1943-1949 are known as "The Package Films", because they are basically shorts packaged together.

The first of these, released in 1943, was Saludos Amigos, which is The Three Caballeros' older brother. Both of these films have South American settings and themes and were produced to keep "good will" with countries south of the border during war time.

This is my least favorite of the package films. (Spoiler: none of the others in the Bottom of the Barrel.) Let's see why.

Mötley Müsings
• Oh right! I bought a new tape because my Black Diamond edition was looking more and more like shit each time I watched it. FYI, The Three Caballeros was one of the first DAFs to be released on home video in 1982. It was then rereleased in 1987, 1994, and 2000, more than any other package film. By the way, 20 year old VHS + HD TV = shitty picture.

• Hey, what's a "caballero"? According to dictionary.com: "A Spanish gentleman". You will soon see, dear reader, than none of the three main characters are Spanish, nor gentlemen.

• You know, I didn't "grow up" with the Disney shorts. I recognized Mickey, Minnie, Donald, Goofy and Pluto as classic characters, but I have no special, nostalgic connection to them.

• Segment #1 -- Donald gets a film projector for a birthday present. He begins watching a short film on "Aves Raras" (strange birds) which segways into the best part of the whole movie "Pablo the Cold-Blooded Penguin", which is perhaps my favorite segment in all of the package films. Ironic.

• Sterling Holloway (who is most famous for voicing Winnie the Pooh) narrates the story of Pablo, a penguin who can never get warm. He decides to finally leave Antarctica for a sunny beach. He has many mishaps before finding his way to paradise. Just adorable.

• We forget that the tip of South America is cold enough for penguins.

• I love his skeptical friends.

• Oh, sort of geography lesson along with this. Name checking South American cities, left and right.

• I want more Pablo!

• Segment #2 -- "Aves Rares" for real this time. I'm learning, though!

• Fuck, the Aracuan bird. He causes mischief.

• Segment #3 -- "The Flying Gauchito" narrated by Frank Graham (who I have never heard of before or since.) This is about a little Uruguayan boy who discovers a flying donkey and uses him to win (re: cheat) at a donkey race. This donkey looks very similar to the baby Pegasi in Fantasia. And the donkeys in Pinocchio.

• Ay caramba! This one is fine.

• Segment #4 -- "Baía" . A pop-up book introduces (or reintroduces José Carioca, who first appeared in Saludos Amigos) who takes Donald to the Brazilian state of Bahia and shows him how lovely it is. Pretty drawings and a not-that-bad song.

• After that, it starts getting surreal. José Carioca is in drag.

• Segment #5 -- "Os Quindens de Yaya". Donald and José hop aboard a train and end up in animated Baía which is populated with live action people, including sexy Aurora Miranda who sells "cookies" and men attempt to gain her affections.

• 40s over drawn lipstick!

• I do not know was "Os Quindens de Yaya" means. But I do like this song.

• What am I watching? What am I watching?

• Segment #5 -- "The Three Caballeros". Donald is opening his next present: a box from Mexico which contains Panchito. Our trio is complete and they sing the best song of the movie.

• Segment #5.5 -- "Las Posadas". Panchito describes a Mexican Christmas tradition where children go door to door asking for shelter like Mary and Joseph. And the kids get a piñata when they get to a friendly house. Now Donald is trying to break his own birthday piñata. I'm not sure if this is offensive or not.

• Segment #6 -- "Mexico" . A song about Mexico while we see Mexican drawings. "Mexico/with all your romance..." some guy croons. Donald, José, and Panchito fly on a magic sarape through live action Mexico. I am learning so much!!!! Lots of dancing in long skirts! Uh oh, Donald is checking out the ladies and trying to impress them with his dancing skills. I think he's jitterbugging. #40s

• "Take the telescope and take a look at what you might call hot stuff." Oh Christ. Donald catcalling and literally chasing bathing suit clad women on Acapulco Beach.

• Don't encourage him, ladies!

• This is lurid.

• Why are there only [attractive] women on this beach? Oh right. It's still a movie.

• Segment #7 -- "You Belong to My Heart". Dora Luz sings torch song, Donald ogles and hallucinates.

• Truly psychedelic before psychedelia was a thing.

• "Purty girls. Purty girls. Purty girls."

• I don't quite know when Segment #7 officially becomes Segment #8 -- "El Viaje Misterioso de Neustro Donald" but now there's a tap dancing chick in mariachi gear dancing with cacti. Donald is dressed as a bull. Fireworks.

• Fin. Fim. The End.

Final Thoughts
Man, I do not like The Three Caballeros. It's just so...piecy. You will see (soon enough) how I feel about most of the package films, but this one grates on me. It's just so annoying. It is a headache of a movie. If you have a roommate you don't like who's constantly hungover, just pop this on the TV and get ready to laugh with demonic glee. And what really grinds my gears is its "popularity". If I happen to bring up the package film at say, a dinner party, the only one the guests will have heard of is The Three Caballeros. (Aside from certain famous segments like"Mickey and the Beanstalk" and "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow" which have been released on their own.)

So why is this the one people remember? Well, Caballeros had four home video releases. Unsuspecting, ignorant parents saw the clamshell case and Donald Duck and assumed it was no different from the other Disney movies. It got purchased. It got watched. Some of the other package films had their first home video releases in bloody 2000.

But why so many releases in the first place?

The saga of Disney and Home Video is a long and involved one. You see, one of the many ways Disney made money before the 90s was to theatrically rerelease their classics every seven years. Parents who saw The Jungle Book in 1967 could take their own kids to see it in 1984. It was a system that worked. But then came the rise of home video. Disney realized they could make money by releasing some of the their movies on VHS (and Betamax), but the "good ones", the stone cold classics, they would jealously guard and reserve for theaters. So when they picked a few movies to put out on tape, The Three Caballeros seemed like a perfect candidate...because it wasn't that good and it wasn't like people were clamoring to see it on the big screen. (Although it did get a theatrical rerelease in 1958, 1966, 1973, and 1977. So I know nothing.)

I also have a theory about it being a "head movie". The psychedelic second half might have boosted home video sales. Or maybe it's because the kids like Donald Duck. I'm complicating it.

So there's a lack of story and character development. Most kids aren't going to care. Most parents aren't going to care. But I am floored, positively floored, The Three Caballeros wasn't boycotted by the parents who did paid attention. Check it out: you have José Carioca who smokes a cigar throughout the whole movie. You have Panchito who carelessly fires his pistols at the slightest provocation. And you have Donald who sexually harasses a beach full of women.

It's not kid friendly. Not by today's standards. Oh well. Not my problem.

Look, after "Pablo", The Three Caballeros goes down hill for me. Rapidly. I can't get into it. I didn't watch it as a kid, so I don't have nostalgia to lean on. It's just not my cup of tea.

Adios.


Favorite Character

Pablo

Favorite Moment -- All of "Pablo the Cold-Blooded Penguin"
Favorite Song -- "The Three Caballeros" performed by Joaquin Garay, Jose Oliviera, and Clarence Nash

Chicken Little (2005)

Directed by Mark Dindal
Written by Steve Bencich, Ron J. Friedman, and Ron Anderson. Based on the folk tale "Henny Penny."
Premiered November 4, 2005
81 minutes
Rated G

Synopsis
In the all animal town of Oakey Oaks, dorky, pre-pubescent Chicken Little (Zach Braff) causes chaos when he announces "The sky is falling!" After some investigation by the hysterical Oakey Oaks inhabitants, no evidence of the "hexagon piece of sky" is found and Chicken Little becomes the town's laughing stock which shames his father, former baseball star Buck Cluck (Garry Marshall). A year later, Chicken Little is still a social pariah. However, he finds solace with his group of misfit friends: "ugly duckling" Abby Mallard (Joan Cusack), emotional eater Runt of the Litter (Steve Zahn) and Fish Out of Water (Dan Molina) who wears a diver's helmet full of water at all times (it's a necessity). On Abby's advice, Chicken Little joins the baseball team to gain the respect and admiration of his peers and more importantly, his father. Surprisingly, Chicken Little succeeds at this endeavor and everything seems A-Okay until a mysterious hexagon shaped something falls from the sky...

Before We Begin
I remember hearing the news, way back in 2004, that Home on the Range would be the last traditionally animated feature to ever exit Walt Disney Feature Animation. It saddened me as a millennial (although we weren't called "millennials" just yet. We were still Generation Y) who grew up during the glorious Disney Renaissance. But times, they were a-changin' and Pixar and DreamWorks were dominating the box office with their fun-for-the-whole-family, pop culture laced, celebrity voiced animated features. Disney, on the other hand, had lost its way. For the new millennium, the company wanted to move away from the big, lush, fairy tale musicals that had put them on the map and go in an action/adventure direction. That direction lead them off a cliff. (Don't you worry, we'll get to those.)

Disney thought they had no choice but to jump on the CGI Bandwagon. I, along with many others, were disheartened and frustrated with this decision. Do a fairy tale! I thought. They've always brought you back before! (re: Cinderella and The Little Mermaid). Well, Disney was trying to be all things to all people. Sure, they were going to change the format, but I found comfort in them using a traditional European folk tale.

Thank God they chose "Chicken Little" a.k.a. "Henny Penny" a.k.a. "The Sky is Falling" and not something that still might make a great DAF one day (cough, Rumpelstiltskin, cough, cough!) I am truly grateful they didn't attempt a princess with 'tude movie. But Original Fable Chicken Little is on the brisk side and what they did to stretch it to a full length movie was...questionable.

Mötley Müsings on Chicken Little
• By the way, Chicken Little was the first DAF to not be released on VHS (at least in the United States). A new era had begun in many ways...

• All right. Positive thoughts. Here we go. I am even watching this on my fiancé's giant TV to make it look better.

• Oh, the CGI castle looks cute.

• Manic! Opening!

• Like, why Zach Braff? Scrubs or something? I never watched Scrubs.

• I like the string of baby bunnies coming out of the buggy.

• Animals watch human movies? Sure! Everyone loves Raiders of the Ark! I mean, what? I get it. A big round thing is going to crush the townspeople, but to see the actual Raiders instead of an animal version is sort of unnerving. Come on, Raiders of the Lost Park!

• Yeah, the bigger screen, the worse it looks.

• Harry Shearer! Doing a doggy Kent Brockman. Thank you, movie, for this at least.

• Heh. A bull owns a china shop. I like it. No joke.

• The Barenaked Ladies. They were popular in 2005, right? Wrong. I was there. I can assure you no one cared about the Barenaked Ladies in this millennium.

• Patrick Stewart. Nice to see you, but I'm sorry you're here.

• The ugly duckling is actually ugly and not just wearing glasses and a ponytail. Good for you, Disney.

• There is...there is so much to take in with this movie. MANIC.

• "Split into to two teams: Popular and Unpopular." "Coach?" "Yeah, Unpopular?"

• "Everybody Dance Now" by C + C Music Factory. Oh boy.

• The color on this looks funky. Dusty almost.

• Whoa. An "EVERYBODY HAS A CELL PHONE" joke in 2005 with flip phones. If they only knew what the future held.

• Joan Cusack is bringing her A game and I appreciate it. Yep. I'm gonna say it: less annoying than Jessie from the Toy Story movies. YEP.

• "What? I'm sorry. I'm very bad at reading facial cues."

• And a here's a King Kong reference. For no reason.

• "I guess only girls are good at honest communication and sensitivity." [gets hit with dodgeball thrown by girl] #feministdisney

• Very cartoony angles, no straight perpendicular lines.

• In the original fable, Chicken Little was a hen but I once read that they made the main character male because being small is a bigger deal when you're male. K.

• Buck Cluck doesn't believe in his kid. It seems like he doesn't even like Chicken Little. (Don't ask me why they have different last names.) Parents who love their children, but don't like them. Today, on Dr. Phil...

• Their house is a chicken coop! There are some great designs in this!

• "I bruise you/you bruise me/we both bruise so easily/too easily to let it show/I love you/and that's all I know." These are actual song lyrics from Five for Fighting who, to be fair, were popular in the 2000s. But this song is waaaaaaay over the top.

• This soundtrack! Patti LaBelle and Joss Stone. WHY NOT!?

• It's easy to hate on Chicken Little, but I'm not bored. I'll give it that. "I'm not bored" is definitely a compliment.

• Foxy Loxy (a female) is their best player. #feministdisney

• Chicken Little needs a younger sounding voice. Not that Zach Braff sounds like the pinnacle of grown-ass-manliness, but he still doesn't fit. Who would? And in the mid aughts? Hmmm...Frankie Muniz? I'd try to get Frankie Muniz.

• Oh no. The shit is about to hit the fan.

• Hexagon. Like chicken wire. I see. This isn't all bad! They thought about design!

• Spice Girls karaoke and then some piss jokes.

• Let me bring you up to speed: we're 38 minutes in. Fish Out of Water has been accidently abducted by an alien space ship made of camoflaging hexagonal pieces. Chicken Little, Abby, and Runt go aboard to rescue you him and see a big map of the solar system with all the planets crossed out and Earth circled. They believe aliens are out to take over the planet. Chaos ensues for like, twenty more minutes, I think. Knowing that (spoilers!) the aliens aren't there to take over Earth really makes this part tedious. (P.S. Pluto is one of the crossed off planets! #2005)

• "At least we can sell the video to Chickens Gone Wild." No, movie, just no.

• "Runt, that's enough! Don't make Mommy take away your Streisand collection!" "You leave Barbra out of this!" ....um

• Now's your chance, Buck! Fail.

• "You have hate mail!" I shouldn't find that funny.

• "Darth Vader's Luke's father!?" Thank you, Mr. Blow the Picture For Me!

• Aliens + Disney = me no likey.

• "It's the End of the World as We Know It" music cue. It works?

• "Now that's closure." Chicken Little and Abby kiss. It's pretty cute.

• Hey. I don't care for action sequences.

• Okay, Abby. Time to snap out of it!

• So. Many. Pop songs.

• IT WAS ALL JUST A BIG MISUNDERSTANDING. MY FAVORITE PLOT DEVICE!

• Patrick Warburton. Always welcome.

• Okay...Foxy Loxy may be a bully, but she deserves to have her brains unscrambled. Her being turned into a "Lollipop" singing Shirley Temple impersonator, and keeping her that way sends a bad message. If the writers wanted to redeem her character, they should have had the harrowing experience of the alien invasion make her more sensitive to the feelings of others. Or whatever. I'm over thinking this.

• On to the hands down BEST part of this movie! The movie within a movie! Hollywood made the most Michael Bay version of the Chicken Little story ever! Adam West is Chicken Little a.k.a. Ace! Abby is the sexy chick, more breast than brain! Runt is the brave tough guy with tusks! Fish is Captain Kirk! Mmmm...that's good satire.

• "This is amazingly accurate."

• And it ends with a dance party. Sigh.

Final Thoughts
You know...it's probably the positive attitude I'm trying to have while rewatching the DAFs, but I didn't hate Chicken Little. It still belongs in this bottom category, for sure, but I didn't hate it. It missed more than it hit. And it did hit. I did laugh. I was amused. But. But.

Chicken Little's faults are obvious. Weak story, dodgy character design, unnecessary celebrity casting, desperate grabs for laughs with song cues and burping. Just an air of desperation, over all. Disney wanted so badly to remain relevant  they sold their soul. All right, that's a little harsh. But traditional animation wasn't the issue. Pixar and DreamWorks were making a killing, but the chosen medium was the least of it. Sure, CGI animated films were still fresh in 2005 and only looking better with each passing year. Pixar had good stories and characters. DreamWorks pandered. Both are going to make money. Disney tried to pander with Chicken Little, while sacrificing some of their earnestness and heart, and they paid for it. Critically. As for box office, Chicken Little did well enough. It made its money back and let's not forget Disney is a corporation.

So it's bad. But it's the only DAF that is bad in this way. Chicken Little is distinctive. It was the only film made between the surrender of Disney's traditional cel films and the moment John Lasseter became Chief Creative Officer of Disney. He did not like Chicken Little, and he decided never again would a film of such low quality come out of the corporation, not on his watch, no siree Bob. Good for him. Thank you, Mr. Lasseter.

Favorite Character

Abby Mallard

Favorite Moment -- Chicken Little: The True Story
Favorite Song -- "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" by Diana Ross. (It's on the soundtrack. It counts.)

Dinosaur (2000)

Directed by Ralph Zondag and Eric Leighton
Written by John Harrison and Robert Nelson Jacobs
Premiered May 19, 2000
82 minutes
Rated PG

Synopsis
65 million years ago, a female lemur named Plio (Alfre Woodward) adopts an orphaned Iguanodon egg much to the misgivings of her father Yar (Ossie Davis). However, once the egg hatches, the youngling is named Aladar (D.B. Sweeney) and accepted into the family which includes Plio's young daughter Suri (Hayden Paniettiere) and Plio's romantically challenged brother Zini (Max Casella). All is blissful until a meteor shower destroys the lemurs' homeland, forcing them to migrate to the Nesting Grounds, a paradise allegedly untouched by the meteor. On their journey, they meet a large group of dinosaurs lead by the tyrannical Iguanodon Kron (Samuel E. Wright) and his toadie Bruton (Peter Siragusa). Aladar and his family fall in with a group of "misfit" elderly dinosaurs Baylene (Joan Plowright) and Eema (Della Reese) and their pet, Url. Aladar and Kron disagree over the way the group should be lead (as well as Aladar's interest in Kron's sister Neera (Julianna Margulies)) all while being pursued by a pair of hungry carnotaurs.

Before We Begin
• Let's start with the fact that I don't like dinosaurs. That is Dinosaur's first sin. Even if it were a cinema classic akin to Gone with the Wind or The Shawshank Redemption, it already has the cards stacked against it by being about giant, extinct reptiles. I think dinosaurs are boring. I have thought this since I was small child. The Land Before Time? Snooze! The "Rite of Spring" portion of Fantasia? Fast forward! Not. My. Thing. Jurassic Park also had the cards stack against it, but that film is genuinely good so #notalldinosaurs just most.

Here's a fun fact about Dinosaur: it wasn't always a part of the Disney Animated Features canon. Oh no. It was a mere eight years ago that it was discreetly wedged in between Fantasia 2000 and The Emperor's New Groove to be lucky #39. Why was such a thing done? If Dinosaur didn't matter during its initial release, why did it suddenly matter in 2008? Well, if Disney made Dinosaur DAF #39, that meant the upcoming, and oh-so-promising then titled Rapunzel could be Golden DAF #50 rather than the dinky little upcoming Winnie the Pooh. Yeah...I see their point, but now I have to watch Dinosaur every fucking year for the rest of my life.

And one last thing before we get started. (Can you tell I'm dragging my feet?) Dinosaur is made up of computer animated characters (obviously) in live action backgrounds. This was a BFD at the time. Such technology hadn't been done to this magnitude and Disney was counting on everyone to be knocked on their keisters. Indeed, Dinosaur made money (the 11th highest grossing movie of 2000, which put it ahead of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and Erin Brockovich, not to mention the year's other DAFs Fantasia 2000 and The Emperor's New Groove). And the film didn't even do too bad critically. Roger Ebert gave it 3 out of 4 stars. But the bland story (a poor remix of The Land Before Time) and forgettable characters did not leave a lasting impression on anyone, it seems. The film is barely talked about today outside of the Disney fandom.

But wait a minute. Is Dinosaur even an animated feature if there are live action backgrounds? Well, 50% of it is, I suppose. Long before Dinosaur, other "animated features" with significant chunks of live action were put on the canon. Look, canon is canon and rulz is rulz. I can question the Powers That Be and the decisions They make, but Dinosaur is here to stay.

• GRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNN. But I don't wanna watch Dinosaur [stamps her foot defiantly while putting video into the VCR.] Time to bite the bullet.

• For the record, most of these will be watched on VHS because that's what I've got and I ain't gonna go rentin' or buyin' movies I already have.

Random Ruminations on Dinosaur

• "Some things start out big, and some things start out small, very small. But sometimes the smallest thing can make the biggest changes of all." They totally stole this from a picture book. And what in the hell starts out big?

• All right, my first "nice" comment. I don't mind the character design on the iguanodons. They're interesting and I can appreciate their texture. Oh, but some of this movement...it's not right. I hope they weren't trying to fool us. I mean the animatronic dinosaurs in Jurassic Park looked more real.

• Sound effects are pretty good. This thing stealing Aladar the Egg totally reminds me of Joanna from The Rescuers Down Under.

• "There's always a bigger fish."

• Look, I can appreciate what they're trying to do here. Majestic score and all (thanks, James Newton Howard but your hands down best score was for 2003's Peter Pan.)

• The lemurs look bad though. But I'm not one who thinks real monkeys are cute anyway.

• Baby Aladar...fuck, he's actually kind of cute. I have to admit it.

• Oooh...possible infanticide! Followed by a piss joke.

• Aren't Iguanodons herbivores? Do I care enough to look it up? Nope.

• Reminds me of Simba being "adopted" by Timon and Pumbaa. You know, a far more powerful animal living amongst smaller ones.

• Ah. A hero who doesn't want to have children. Things are looking up. (Although it's probably a front since he is the only one of his species in the area and has no hopes of reproduction.)

• Movie is trying, but...

• ACTION SEQUENCE. The family is separated! Why am I not feeling anything for these characters? It's all set up like we should care. Their home and way of life is destroyed. The music is appropriate. What is it? What is wrong with this movie? Why am I not feeling real sympathy?

• Gah. Now that it's the end of the world, the colors are all bland and everything blends together.

• Velociraptors! Oh and the traveling herd!

• Aladar sees his first female iguanodon! They butt heads! It's a meet cute!

• So, I mean, this is a pretty big deal for Aladar, seeing similar species to himself for the first time ever.

• A British dinosaur! I am enjoying Joan Plowright as the long-neck. (She was Laurence Olivier's third wife. #trivia)

• Uh oh. Kron. The villain. He's prejudice against the weak and elderly and a control freak. Whoa and Bruton needs to ease up on the 'roids.

• Cat-calling. Has that ever worked on any woman ever?

• Fun fact! Samuel E. Wright who voices Kron also voices Sebastian from The Little Mermaid!

• "That's all I need. A monkey on my back." It's like the screenwriters had a big jar of clichés they drew jokes out of it. This script is lazy.

• But Aladar is helping those in need. There are far less honorable Disney heroes out there. (I'm looking at you, Peter Pan.)

• They should rename this movie 50 Shades of Tan. #badumtish

• Kron is all for survival of the fittest.

• "I always did like big girls!" Fuck. Really, movie?

• Oh, Neera sees he's good with children and is immediately attracted. #circleoflife

• And Kron don't like it. Whoa, he just threatened to kill Aladar for trying to command the herd!

• Good animation on Baylene's shaky knees.

• So a few weeks ago, a coworker of mine said she had a hankering to watch this movie and it took everything in me not to laugh at her. If you knew this girl, you would laugh at what perfect sense it makes that she likes Dinosaur.

• Bruton is injured and now a member of their weakling misfit group.

• Look, I am really trying to be nice, but I am BORED. Movie is trying to teach us about tolerance, acceptance, team work, etc., but couldn't be bothered to do it a more entertaining way.

• Bored, bored, bored. BORED.

• I think Bruton just died in a rock avalanche. Yep.

• I really wish I knew how much was left.

• Oh, Baylene is gonna get them out of the cave! Fuck yeah! They found the Nesting Grounds. Zip-a-dee-do-dah!

• All right, so there's this big rock wall now blocking the entrance to the Nesting Grounds. Kron wants them to go the dangerous way, but Aladar is trying to take control. Now they're fighting. I WONDER WHO IS GOING TO WIN. Ooh, Neera chose her boyfriend over her family.

• Is just screaming at the carnotaur going to make it leave them alone?

• More Aladar babies. Another piss joke.

• And they all lived happily ever after. Until more meteors came.

• Dinosaur. A generic title for a generic movie.

Final Thoughts
I tried. I really tried to be positive about this movie. But, like it always has been, it was a slog. After the opening sequence--which I'm sure was far more impressive 16 years ago on a big movie screen--the film pretty much has nothing to offer. Nothing new or different, nothing we haven't already heard or seen a thousand times before and in far more compelling ways. I mean, all I can do is shrug my shoulders. Dinosaur exists. It must be reckoned with if one takes on the Disney canon. It's like a really boring core class you have to take--an easy one, one that only requires your attendance. Still sucks you aren't entertained during that class, but hey, there isn't any homework. It's just a waste of time.

Look, my apologies to my coworker and all the others out there that have a special place in their hearts for Dinosaur. Good for you. Believe me, there will be some films on this blog that will be ranked much higher than the populace thinks they deserve to be. I get it. I am happy you have this movie and I would love to hear what it is you like so much. Drop me a comment, if you like. As for me, I am happy to let a year pass before I watch Dinosaur again.

Favorite Character

Baylene

Favorite Moment -- When Baylene takes no shit and pushes through the rocks.
Favorite Song -- N/A