The Emperor's New Groove (2000)

Directed by Mark Dindal
Written by David Reynolds
Premiered December 15, 2000
77 minutes
Rated G

Synopsis
Incan Emperor Kuzco (David Spade) is a spoiled and unfeeling ruler who plans to build his summer home on the land of kind-hearted peasant Pacha (John Goodman). Pacha begs for Kuzco to reconsider, but he is too selfish. Meanwhile, Kuzco's advisor Yzma (Eartha Kitt) has been fired and in retaliation, she attempts to poison him. However, her brawny and dim-witted assistant Kronk (Patrick Warburton) spikes Kuzco's drink with the wrong potion and he is turned into a llama. Kuzco has no choice but to ask for Pacha's help to restore his humanity and remove Yzma from his usurped throne.

Before We Begin
Troubled productions abound in the Disney canon. Most people would vote for The Black Cauldron as taking the cake as The Most Troubled, but my vote goes to The Emperor's New Groove due to the major story and tone changes between pre-production and the final execution. The Black Cauldron started as a dark and violent sword & sorcery epic with a shameless dose of Star Wars and ended up much the same, with a couple of the more violent portions axed by Jeffrey Katzenberg. (You could maybe make a similar argument for Frozen considering how many story changes it endured, but it was always going to be a fairy tale musical.)

The Emperor's New Groove began life as Kingdom of the Sun, a pre-Columbus South American version of Mark Twain's The Prince and the Pauper. It was going to be one of the more Serious Disney musicals, by way of The Lion King or The Hunchback of Notre Dame. However, some shit went down* and by the time the film was released to theaters in late 2000, it was a wacky buddy comedy starring David Spade and John Goodman with one musical number and an (Oscar nominated) end credits song by Sting.

Although no one will ever now what exactly happened, I'm going to point the finger at Renaissance burnout, at least partly. The animation department was simply growing weary of the classic story/character/premise, big music, big villain, big love story formula. Something wasn't working so to salvage the product, they overhauled it completely. All things considered, The Emperor's New Groove is a success, a strange outlier in the New Millennium era of Disney because of the fact that most people like it. You have your Lilo & Stitch fangirls and Treasure Planet cult followers, sure, but The Emperor's New Groove is the only DAF from 2000-2004 to get a resounding thumbs up.

*If you want to know more about the shit that went down, try to locate The Sweatbox, a documentary filmed by Sting's wife about this film's tortured production.

Mötley Müsings
• All right...FINALLY gettin' to it. Go me.

• This movie is such an outlier. It doesn't really feel Disney, not in the way Chicken Little doesn't feel Disney, but it's so different coming after the Renaissance that it feels like it belongs to someone else.

• Oh, David Spade...where you at now?

• The baby version of a Disney hero is always cute.

• All the kids love Tom Jones.

• Selfish narcissist royal learns a lesson. It's been done before and a LOT worse than here.

• "Let me guess, you have a great personality."

• Kuzco is pretty insufferable and if we didn't have Yzma and Kronk stuff, it would be difficult to get through.

• I'm watching this on an admittedly poor quality VHS, but this looks CHEAP.

• "GROOOOVE."

• How in the hell did Yzma get to be an advisor? A woman! What!?

• Kronk. The reason everyone likes this movie. Without Kronk this thing would be forgotten. Meet the Robinsons forgotten.

• So...Pacha doesn't really have an arc. He's a good person and a victim of Kuzco's selfishness. I'm just saying it would be nice if he learned SOMETHING from his experience helping Kuzco, like if his character happened to be a doormat and he needed to learn to be a little selfish. #splittinghairs

• "It's my birthday gift to me!"

• INSUFFERABLE. Thank God for Kronk. THANK GOD FOR KRONK.

• "I practically raised him."
"Yeah, you'd think he would've turned out better."

• If you're going to use a celebrity to voice your villain, make sure that celebrity has a distinct voice like Eartha Kitt. Nice choice.

• "Oh right, the poison. The poison for Kuzco, the poison chosen especially to kill Kuzco. Kuzco's poison."

• Why would Kuzco be eating dinner with his FIRED political advisor?

• Are we really supposed to believe Kronk and Yzma are a thing?

• The shoulder angel and devil is such a cliché but it works wonderfully here.

• "I'm going to lead you down the path that ROCKS."

• "No, no, he's got a point."

• Kuzco is basically a mean high school girl. But he's a guy, so it's refreshing.

• Pacha's wife is the first visibly pregnant Disney character. We've come a long way from the stork bringing Dumbo...

• "I gotta go wash something." Yeah, I clean when I'm upset too.

• "Demon llama! Where?"

• Seriously, how many DAFs have one character guiding another on a journey? Like 12?

• Are there squirrels in South America?

• You know what's refreshing? I don't think there's any monologue from Kuzco about how his parents spoiled him and he can't help being a entitled dickhead. This movie never gets deep. Once again, refreshing.

• Pacha. Unfailingly optimistic and patient and kind.

• So Yzma is the Empress cause there's no other living family members.

• Pacha's kids are annoying. But what kids aren't annoying? #buhdumtish

• I wouldn't trust him. To be fair, I wouldn't trust any seventeen year olds.

• Llama on a crappy rope bridge. Disney's done this before in Saludos Amigos. But I doubt anyone who worked on this film new that.

• K, I'm getting really tired of dickhead Kuzco. Time for some redemption to begin.

• The fat jokes and old hag Yzma jokes....man, this movie is almost 20 years old, isn't it?

• "She's not the easiest person to get close to. There's a wall there."

• Farce. Farce, farce. You gotta just lean back and watch it.

• Llama Kuzco sitting alone in the rain. Here's the evening of introspection. 

• Yeah, Kronk and Yzma aren't even sharing a tent. They are not a thing.

• "The peasant at the diner!...He didn't pay his check."

• "Tell us where the talking llama is and we'll burn your house to ground."
"Er, don't you mean or?"
"Tell us where the talking llama is or we'll burn your house to ground."
"Well, which is it? That sounds like a pretty crucial conjunction."

• "Just think of it as you're being let go, that your life's going in a different direction, that your body's part of a permanent outplacement."
"Hey, that's kinda like what he said to you when you got fired."
"I know. It's called a "cruel irony", like my dependence on you."

• "Hey, I've been turned into a cow. Can I go home?"

• Ending chase scene finale action stuff...you know I never comment on the action.

• Sooooo...I think Kuzco turned nice a little too fast, right?

Final Thoughts

So, I think I know why I put this one off for so long. Obviously, there's always life and the holidays and some big stuff happened at the end of 2017 aka WE BOUGHT A HOUSE!

Ahem.

But I had a lot of time well before that  (like June through most of November!) and I just kept procrastinating. Until today. The Emperor's New Groove came out when I was twelve going on thirteen, a time in my life when I was not into Disney movies. And even if I was at that age where I was motivated to see Disney movies, it lacked the princesses and romance and big Broadway songs I had become so accustomed to, so it was never going to be my favorite anyway. Therefore, I didn't see today's movie until I marathoned ALL the DAFs in high school.

The Emperor's New Groove is a comedy, perhaps the purest straight up comedy in the whole Disney canon. There are no tragic back stories, no sad moments, nothing deep. It has very low stakes and it just doesn't make me feel anything beyond amusement. It's very slight. The characters are all pretty cliché (with the shining exception of Kronk) and it feels like an extra long Saturday morning cartoon.

This isn't a bad thing, and yes it's nice that this movie doesn't shove in some bullshit about Kuzco's neglectful parents, but it's never going to put The Emperor's New Groove at the top of my list. I am still fond of it, yes, but I don't think it deserves any explanation beyond that.

Yay...now I get to move on!

Favorite Character

Kronk

Favorite Moment -- Anything with Kronk's shoulder angel and devil.
Favorite Song -- "My Funny Friend and Me" performed by Sting...cause why not? He should get something out of this experience.

Alice in Wonderland (1951)

Directed by Clyde Geronimi, Wilfred Jackson and Hamilton Luske
Written by Milt Banta, Del Connell, William Cottrell, Joe Grant, Winston Hibler, Dick Huemer, Dick Kelsey, Tom Oreb, Bill Peet, Erdman Penner, Joe Rinaldi, Ted Sears, and John Walbridge. Based on Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking-Glass by Lewis Carroll.
Premiered July 26, 1951
75 minutes
Rated G

Synopsis
A proper Victorian English girl named Alice (Kathryn Beaumont) is distracted from her sister's history lesson by a White Rabbit (Bill Thompson) in waistcoat and decides to follow him down a rabbit hole. This leads Alice to a strange world where animals talk and nothing makes sense. While wandering around Alice meets a wide cast of characters including the twins Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum (J. Pat O'Malley), a pompous hookah smoking caterpillar (Richard Haydn), the mischievous Cheshire Cat (Sterling Holloway), and has a tea party with the Mad Hatter (Ed Wynn) and March Hare (Jack Colonna). Finally Alice is introduced to the Queen of Hearts (Verna Felton) who challenges her to a game of croquet.

Before We Begin
Perhaps there is no other Disney Animated Feature that my opinion has waxed and waned the most about. As a very young child, I loved the basic fantasy elements of Alice in Wonderland (as well as Peter Pan and The Wizard of Oz) but as I grew older, the nonsense, the randomness of the story, the lack of character development and the lack of stakes (it was all a dream!) became very unfulfilling, especially when compared to Peter Pan and The Wizard of Oz. From my teens to my mid-twenties I had a lowish opinion of Alice in Wonderland; it was well-executed artistically, the songs were pleasant enough, and there were a few laughable moments, but what was the point of it all?

My opinion is decidedly higher now. Let's see why.

Mötley Müsings

• Alice in Wonderland has more songs in it than any other DAF. #themoreyouknow

• Also, this movie did very poorly at the time of its release but gained popularity in the late 1960s because…you know…LSD.

• Alice’s sister is reading to her about William the Conqueror’s ascension to the throne in 1066 following the Battle of Hastings. :-)

• Kathryn Beaumont is a better Alice than Wendy.

• Oh, Dinah.

• “In my world, you wouldn’t say ‘meow’. You’d say ‘Yes, Miss Alice.’”

• “In a World of My Own” < “Over the Rainbow”

• “It must be something awfully important. Like a party or something.”

• This Doorknob fellow was not in either of the Alice books.

• Myth: Crying solves nothing. Fact: Crying can be a necessary way to process emotions.

• That green parrot looks an awful lot like Jose Carioca. Hmmm…

• Have I mentioned to you how much I love bunnies? I totally don’t blame Alice for running after one.

• “That’s logic.”

• One day, I will watch this after eating a great big pot brownie.

• “THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!”

• “The Walrus and the Carpenter” shows that curiosity can be your death. Which is true. Like if you get curious about what goes down on Venice Beach after dark…

• Mmmmm…vinegar.

• I’ve eaten raw oysters. Probably never will again.

• “That was a very sad story.”
“And there’s a moral to it.”
“Yes, a very good moral, if you happen to be an oyster.”

• Who is Mary? Why is there no live action spinoff about her??????

• “Goodness! I suppose I’ll be taking orders from Dinah next.”

• Stop eating things, Alice!

• “Poor Bill.”

• I love how everything in the White Rabbit’s house has rabbit ears.

• “You mean bread-and-butterflies.”

• “Of course we can talk, my dear.”
“If there’s anyone around worth talking to.”
“Or about!”

• This flower drummer! So heavy metal head banger! This movie is from 1951!!!! Is no one else impressed by this?

• “I think she’s pretty.”
“Quiet, Bud.”

• Caterpillar with human hands and feet. Ew.

• I smoked hookah once. Because I was dumb and in college.

• “Keep your temper.”

• “One pill makes you larger and one pill makes you small…” LOVE that song.

• “But I don’t want to go among mad people.”
“Oh, you can’t help that. Most everyone is mad here.”

• Today is my unbirthday!

• I love all these tea pot visual gags.

• Remember what the Dormouse said.

• What the hell is a dormouse? It’s a type of mouse.

• “Why yes, I’m very fond of tea.”

• “B-b-butter?”

• “Mustard? Don’t let’s be silly! Lemon, that’s different…”

• The true moral of this version of Alice in Wonderland is “be careful what you wish for.”

• “When I get home, I shall write a book about this place.”

• “I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it.”

• Finally, Alice wants to go home. She has a motivation other than finding out what the White Rabbit is late for. Also, we hear about the Queen of Hearts.

• “Not pink.”
“Not green.”
“Not aquamarine.”

• Whoa. These cards. Kinda makes me want to play Solitaire.

• “…and the king.”
“Hooray!”

• “YES! Your majesty.”

• “Curtsy while you’re thinking. It saves time.”

• Why is the Cheshire Cat such a dick?

• “NOTHING WHATEVER!”

• “Twinkle, twinkle. What next?”

• I wonder how many candles that is…

• Don’t eat them both!

• It was all a dream! Which is true in the text, unlike in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy actually goes to Oz.

Final Thoughts

Around age 26 I listened to an audiobook of Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and realized that the book itself is just as nonsensical. There is a lot of wandering around and talking to strange folk with no ultimate end game. Alice has no mission, not even to find her way home unlike Dorothy Gale. There is no real adversary like Captain Hook or threat of adulthood. There is no "journey to finding oneself". And you know what? I don't care. If the story of Lewis Carroll pulling ideas out of his ass to entertain three young sisters on boat ride is true then of course Alice isn't going to be a well-thought out piece of literature with themes and symbols and foreshadowing. I doubt very much Lewis Carroll thought his writings would ever be closely dissected. In my opinion, you have to dig very deep to superimpose a literary theme to this story and where dots can be connected, it's more coincidence than anything. (Alice's changing sizes represent her anxiety about puberty, my ass.)

So while I used to be annoyed at Alice in Wonderland's lack of reason, I now celebrate it. It is a very basic adaptation (of course it cuts and pastes a few things, but oh well.) It's true to the tone without being boring. And I suppose in this post-modern world where everything must have a deeper meaning, it's nice to just let the story be.

Favorite Character

The King of Hearts

Favorite Moment -- Alice with the flowers.
Favorite Song -- "Golden Afternoon"

The Jungle Book (1967)

Directed by Wolfgang Reitherman
Written by Larry Clemmons, Ralph Wright, Ken Anderson, Vance Gerry, Floyd Norman and Bill Peet. Based on The Jungle Book by Rudyard Kipling.
Premiered October 18, 1967
78 minutes
Rated G

Synopsis
Ten years after a baby human boy is adopted by a she-wolf in the Indian jungle, the wolf pack is dismayed by the return of the vicious tiger Shere Khan (George Sanders) who hates all human. They decide the "man cub", Mowgli (Bruce Reitherman), must return to the "man village" for his own safety (and their's as well). Mowgli is tricked into going on the journey with the pragmatic panther Bagheera (Sebastian Cabot), but he would rather stay in the jungle, insisting he is savvy enough to do so. On his own, Mowgli bonds with a care-free bear named Baloo (Phil Harris), evades the hypnotic python Kaa (Sterling Holloway) and is kidnapped by the orangutan King Louie (Louis Prima) who is interested in learning Mowgli's knowledge of fire. 

Before We Begin
This was the last DAF ever touched by Walt Disney himself before he died in 1966,  nearly a year before the theatrical release. But he had his hands in the production and saw a lot of it. And it did really well at the box office. Like really, really well. Like the highest grossing movie of 1967 well, which means it made more money than The Graduate and Bonnie & Clyde. Yup.

As for me, I was given a VHS of The Jungle Book soon after its 1991 release. You might recall from my Fantasia review that I did not play favorites with my Disney videos; I watched them equally. Even though there were only three female characters (a wolf, an elephant, and a singing girl), let alone no princesses, I rather enjoyed The Jungle Book and to this day, I rank it surprisingly high.

Mötley Müsings

• Just putting this out there: The Jungle Book is a really shitty title for a movie. And kind of a shitty title for a book too.

• Mowgli, yet another Disney orphan. Parents died in a canoe accident? And like Tarzan’s parents, I wonder why the beast who ate the parents didn’t eat the most helpless thing!

• I think there are actual cases where she-wolfs have raised humans.

• “I knew there’d be no problem with the mother, thanks to maternal instinct.” BOO!

• Tarzan vibes.

• So, Mowgli is ten years old.

• Sher Khan killed his parents, right? Right? Like who else? (I bet he did in the 2016 live action remake. Still haven't seen it.) Note: I started watching the live action version on Netflix and that's totally what happened.

• I just realized that Mowgli doesn’t give a shit about leaving his wolf parents. What a dick!

• I haven’t watched this in so long!

• Bagheera is my favorite.

• “Oh, my ssssssinussssss.”

• That baby elephant has a Beatles haircut.

• “I’m putting in for a transfer to another herd.”

• This British colonel schtick is great.

• “Here it comes. The Victoria Cross bit again.”

• Real elephants apparently have great memories.

• Yeah…Mowgli’s a little shit.

• Bagheera and Tigger have similar designs. Bummer.

• Here comes Baloo.

• Well, I’ll give you this, Mowgli isn’t a coward.

• “Oh no! It’s Baloo. That shifty, stupid jungle bum.”

• “Right on the button!”

• “The Bare Necessities” is the best song in the movie, but not my favorite. Also, it was nominated for Best Original Song but lost to one the worst winners ever from Doctor Doolittle.

• The monkeys kidnap Mowgli and take him to King Louie who wants to learn how to act human and “make fire”. K.

• I am entertained.

• “While you create a disturbance, I’ll rescue Mowgli.” And that’s exactly what happens.

• I like Baloo and Bagheera doing this “two gay dads” thing.

• “Well you don’t exactly look like a basket of fruit yourself.”

• Moral of the story: Parenting is hard.

• Again, I’m bugged that Mowgli doesn’t want to go back to his wolf parents. This would work much better if he was just sort of feral…raised by ALL the jungle but no one in particular.

• I love how Bagheera is both feline and masculine.

• You’ve been calling him a bear, of course he has an identity crisis.

• Sher Khan ain’t no Tigger.

• Hey look, it’s Bambi’s mom.

• George Sanders…such a villainy voice.

• The characters are so delightfully British (except Baloo who is an ugly American for sure).

• Kaa is a tricky dick.

• This film was released in 1967 and yet no sitars!

• Sher Khan is a sophisticated bully.

• These vultures were supposed to be voiced by the Beatles, which would have been AMAZING. But they had better things to do. Like writing Sgt. Pepper and being bigger than Jesus.

• “LET’S DO SOMETHING!”

• Holy Bass!

• Mowgli is super brave and super stupid.

• “Now I’m going to close my eyes and count to ten. It makes the chase more interesting. For me.”

• Baloo to the rescue.

• Fire via the Hand of God deus ex machina lightning.

• And then what happens? Does he burn to death or what?

• What a lovely eulogy.

• Since Mowgli kicked Sher Khan’s ass—his biggest adversary—he should be able to stay in the jungle now. I mean, if the biggest issue was Sher Khan and Sher Khan is gone now...am I wrong?

• I. Love. This. Song.

• I thought only married Indian women wore the red dot.

• “She did that on purpose.”
“Obviously.”

• Her “come hither” glance is not age appropriate.

• And Mowgli just entered puberty.

Final Thoughts

Okey dokey. What brilliant thoughts and analysis do I have to share on The Jungle Book?

None. Sorry about that.

All I can say is it's a movie I enjoy. Yes, the main character is a bit of an annoying little shit, but thanks to nostalgia, I hardly notice. Bagheera rocks. "My Own Home" is hauntingly beautiful.

Peace.

Favorite Character

Bagheera

Favorite Moment -- The end
Favorite Song -- "My Own Home" performed by Darleen Carr

The Black Cauldron (1985)

Directed by Ted Berman and Richard Rich
Written by  Ted Berman, Vance Gerry, Joe Hale, David Jonas, Roy Morita, Richard Rich, Art Steven, Al Wilson and Peter Young. Based on The Book of Three and The Black Cauldron by Lloyd Alexander.
Premiered July 24, 1985
80 minutes
Rated PG

Synopsis
In the ancient land of Prydain, a young farm boy named Taran (Grant Bardsley) dreams of being a courageous warrior instead of the lowly assistant pig-keeper of Hen Wen, who is the pet of master Dallben (Freddie Jones). However, Hen Wen is no ordinary pig and she is captured by the minions of the evil Horned King (John Hurt) who wishes to use the pig's clairvoyant powers to locate the Black Cauldron, an object capable of creating a deathless army. Taran sets out to recapture Hen Wen and meets annoying, cowardly, gluttonous Gurgi (John Byner), brave Princess Eilonwy (Susan Sheridan), and bumbling minstrel Fflewddur Fflam (Nigel Hawthorne) who aid him on his mission to find the Black Cauldron before the Horned King uses it to rule Prydain.

Before We Begin
It's quite likely that you've never heard of The Black Cauldron. The story of its troubled production and box office failure is one of legend. More detailed accounts can be found elsewhere on the internet and in the 2009 documentary Waking Sleeping Beauty, which I highly recommend.

But if you ain't got time for that, here's the quick and dirty version: In the 80s, Disney's animation department was having an identity crisis. Instead of adapting a fairy tale (which they hadn't done since 1959) or doing another talking animal movie (which they had been doing since 1967) they decided to go darker and make a Sword & Sorcery animated feature out of The Chronicles of Prydain series, (which they happened to own the rights to) to appeal to the preteen boy movie goer. It did not go well. The film lost money mostly due to its violence induced PG rating and was quickly swept under the rug, only to be quietly released on VHS in 1998.

I don't remember that video release. Do you? It wasn't until my independent study Disney course that I even realized The Black Cauldron existed. I was fascinated by its production especially since I loved another 1985 dark fantasy Disney box office bomb: Return to Oz. That movie is sadly underrated, but The Black Cauldron? Um....

You know we are in the Fondness portion of this journey through the canon so you know my feelings are mostly positive. But why?

Mötley Müsings

• Fun fact: I attempted to read The Book of Three after college. Attempted.

• Whoa, this VHS is not in good shape. Given that this is one of the widescreeniest of the widescreen DAFs, it should probably be viewed in its proper format in HD. Oh well.

• Let me just mention that I totally dig the early 80s Sword & Sorcery aesthetic which is what this movie is.

• Mythic prologue recitation by Hollywood legend John Huston.

• A cat with eyebrows! So fat!

• The Black Cauldron is a prime example of the classic “Hero’s Journey”. It's friggin' textbook.

• “But I was going into Tosche Station to pick up some power converters!”

• Look, if Lord of the Rings went back in time and knocked the boots with Star Wars, The Black Cauldron would their love child.

• Taran is not terribly likable. Rather bland and whiny. And not as sympathetic as Luke Skywalker. Or Frodo. Or Harry Potter.

• Hen Wen is cool though, especially for a character who doesn’t talk. And she’s a girl.

• The Horned King is grotesque in appearance but generically evil. All powerful, yadda, yadda, yadda…What’s his deal? We never find out. And it doesn’t really matter in the context of this film.

• Oh no. It’s Gurgi, the most grating part of this movie. Stupid, useless, cowardly “comic relief” character who brings nothing but frustration to the table. Until later.

• NAZGUL!

• Blood! Blood in a Disney Animated Feature!

• Taran, you done fucked up.

• Big breasted gypsy dancers. That’s one way to go about getting the teen boys into the theater.

• So violent with Hen Wen! BLOODY CHOPPING BLOCK!!!

• Admittedly, I’d like to watch Lord of the Rings now.

• Princess Eilonwy! And her computer animated bauble! I love her dress and hair.

• How are we supposed to like Taran when he is a grave robber?

• Flewddur Fflam…he talks too much. 

• I say, the constant violence keep this thing alive.

• Magic glowing phallic symbol.

• Horned King Force choking his minion. I don’t know if George Lucas was ripping off Lloyd Alexander or if Disney was ripping off George Lucas.

• “You? I’d say it was the sword’s magic.”

• Childish fight reminds me of Ron and Hermione. Taran is wrong, but Eilonwy overreacts.

• But they make up. Sha na na na.

• Gurgi. Has. Come. Back.

• Plot update: So our group gets sucked into a whirlpool which takes them down to Fairyville where Hen Wen is chilling out. The fairy king reveals the Black Cauldron is hidden in Morva. So they go to Morva to destroy the Black Cauldron before the Horned King gets to it. And just how are they going to do that?

• Three witches, one of whom is very big buxom and fond of Fflewddur Fflam. “You don’t mind if I pluck your harm, do you, handsome?” 

• This is very rapey.

• Taran trades the sword for the Cauldron. But it cannot be destroyed. However, to stop its power, a living being must willingly climb inside. But they will never come out alive. DUN DUN DUN!

• Budding romance…kinda?

• NAZGUL!

• Everyone is captured, except Gurgi who runs away. The Horned King has the Cauldron. Wickedness ensues. Blood. Skeletons. 

• Gurgi frees everyone and Taran decides to sacrifice himself because he’s a moody teen, but Gurgi jumps in instead. I’m okay with that.

• The Horned King gets sucked in. Flesh first, then bones. It's pretty gross.

• “Hero? Gurgi was the hero.” Sigh…it sure looks that way, doesn’t?

• “Oh, I adore forceful men.” Eep.

• The witches want the Cauldron back, so they give them Gurgi back in return. 

• And then he makes Taran and Eilonwy kiss. Eh? 

Final Thoughts

If you consult the history books, they will tell you The Black Cauldron was a box office failure because of its violence and dark tone, that teenagers were never going to be interested in Disney Animated Features no matter how much blood and tits you threw at them. That very well may have been true in 1985. But 32 years later, The Black Cauldron has still failed to become appreciated for "daring to be different" or being "ahead of its time".

It's not the story. You could call it "predictable" but I would call it "tried and true". It's the Hero's Journey. It will never, ever get old. No, it's what was done with the characters--the hero, the sage, the maiden, the villain, etc. Nearly all of them either fail to leave an impression or annoy the ever loving shit out of you. During production, I think the creators were far more focused on developing a gruesome high fantasy environment, fiddling about with Eilonwy's CGI bauble, and making sure they weren't being too twee. (They failed with the fairies, btw.)

Now, how much Lloyd Alexander is to blame for the characterization, I don't know. (That's probably why I tried to read the book in the first place.) So maybe Disney was working with already weak characters. Or maybe they weren't. I couldn't tell you.

But for a hero, Taran isn't very heroic. He wants to be a hero, talks about being a hero, but basically bumbles about making a real ass of himself in the process. He does not prove or redeem himself. The glory falls on Gurgi, whom everyone universally loathes, so the victory feels very hollow. We're happy to see him go and don't want him to come back. Fflewdurr is...eh, as is Dallben. The Horned King is EVILLLLLLL, but so what? So fucking what?

And then there's Eilonwy. She used to be my favorite character in this movie, but this viewing...something was off. She shines sometimes. She speaks her mind, acts bravely--which was pretty progressive for a Disney princess given that her predecessors were Snow White, Cinderella, and Aurora--and she's realistic. She isn't perfectly poised all the time. She, like many a preteen girl, is emotional. And that's fine. Oh, but she likes Taran, which, unfortunately, is perfectly believable given that preteen girls seem to have a predilection for liking boys who are unworthy of them. But I don't have to like it.

Everything I've said about The Black Cauldron can pretty much also be applied to the previously reviewed also action driven, also PG rated Atlantis: The Lost Empire. Too much world-building, not enough character development. And these movies suffered similar fates at the box office. To this day, both of them (and another we have yet to get to) are viewed as mutant children, sentenced to be locked away in the moldy rat infested corner of the Disney Vault.

My comments have not been positive and yet The Black Cauldron is in my Fondness category. A lot of it is sheer pity, to be honest. I don't blame the Disney animators for wanting to do something different. The Fox and the Hound was artistically unsatisfying (more on that later) and things were pretty bleak, so why not go balls to the wall in another direction? Also, I don't like everyone shitting on The Black Cauldron. I feel oddly protective for some reason. It's not that bad, people. It's just weak.

Fine, The Black Cauldron is not a "good movie". But I am fond of it.

Favorite Character

Hen Wen

Favorite Moment -- Hen Wen being a pig.
Favorite Song -- N/A